ESPN removes Robert Lee from calling UVA game

Historians agree that Robert E. Lee could not call a game to save his life.

ESPN is known for making terrible decisions, from apology tours for rapist athletes, to hyping a guy who is mediocre at two sports because he’s a Christian, to talking about ball inflation for a year because they don’t want to cover hockey. But like all great innovators, ESPN has found a way to top itself.

It was announced late last night, under the cover of darkness, that announcer Robert Lee would be removed from calling the University of Virginia football team’s home opener. The supposed reasoning behind it is that Lee’s name is too similar to Confederate General Robert E. Lee, whose statue white supremacists neo-Nazis the KKK a group of free speech enthusiasts (who happened to all be angry white dudes but are surely fine people) held a deadly rally for in Charlottesville earlier this month. Robert E. Lee, of course, fought a war over free speech.

Broadcaster Robert Lee, however, isn’t the same person. As far as we know, they are in no way related, either. Finally, both the white supremacists and the people they want murdered en masse can agree on an issue.

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.

Just another run of the mill dose of terrorism foiled

Normally, terrorism isn’t exactly something that should probably be joked around about. That said, when the accused culprit in question has created a mad scientist device, perhaps it should be brought up?

The device was intended to be a truck-mounted radiation particle weapon that could be remotely controlled and capable of silently aiming a lethal beam of radioactivity at its human targets.

If your initial plan to manipulate Jewish people into being arrested fails and your next thought is create a Dr. Mindbender level device, you’re no longer the FBI’s most wanted, you’re now Super Villain Numero Uno.

Today … in (almost but not quite) racism

Mmmm-mmmm. Sure, they may not be great for you, but sometimes, a big plate of chicken tenders can just hit the spot. And despite the health concerns, even kids can have them every now and then. But at four schools for children in Methuen, Massachusetts, only white people are allowed to eat them.

Okay, not really, but thanks to a typing error, that’s almost how it became. The person in charge of typing up the school menus mistakenly typed an extra ‘K’ for the item ‘KK Chicken Tenders’ (which stands for Krispy and Krunchy Chicken Tenders), resulting in approximately 6500 students being offered the ‘KKK Chicken Tenders’ for lunch. The menus were then republished after the mistake was pointed, thus making them valuable collectors items and worth a large amount of Confed-a-Bux.

For future menus, maybe they should just be called chicken tenders, no extra adjectives given. Just in case.

It’s the pure, unmixed taste of vanilla

“There’s a whole lotta honkies in this ice cream shop.”

But that’s just coincidental. You see, Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches, a locally owned ice cream shop in Ocala, Florida, recently unveiled a new mascot. Of course, as with all business involving mascots, controversy quickly ensued. When people drove by the parlor, they saw the dancing mascot holding a sign, and as such, they immediately thought that the business going on was racist.

As in, the mascot was a KKK member.

Except the owner of Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches is Lisa Diaz, who’s from Puerto Rico. Sometimes a vanilla ice cream cone is just a vanilla ice cream cone.

But then again, it’s Texas

A dorm named after a Klansman? Who would’ve thought that might create an issue?

“You know, from time to time, we’re reminded of ugly periods in our nation’s history regarding civil rights by situations like this,” said UT Board of Regents member Printice Gary. “The question, then, is, ‘What do you do?’ and ‘How does the community respond to these types of challenges?'”

Answer: most people tend to amend the situation so that we’re never again reminded of the ugly periods. That can include, but is not necessarily limited to, renaming the dorm a long time ago.

Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.

Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?

It’s me. Give me the show.

Well…? Fine, here’s my resume, rant-style. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

They might be ‘wizards,’ but not the best spellers

Several high profile members of the KKK (that’s the Ku Klux Klan for those of you wondering what the last “k” stands for) are being sued in Kentucky for assaulting Jordan Gruver. It’s not known if they attacked Gruver because he is of Panamanian descent or doesn’t have “relations” with his kin.

Of these defendants, one is “Imperial Wizard” Ron Edwards, who — in a display of his intellectual immensity — is defending himself.

This is the moron’s defense:

  1. “I’ll prove that I teach them not to go out and commit violence.”
  2. “I’ll prove I did not know they were there.”

After all, the KKK has always been known for it’s adherence to nonviolent tactics. Purification of white blood just means that it would be nice if non-Anglo-Saxon, -straight and -Protestant people would just stop having blood … in them.