Crow has no fear of police, steals knife

Things may be had here, but a single crow is holding the entire Canadian legal system hostage–probably because it knows that law if the foundation of any society.

For years, the citizens of Vancouver, Canada have been leaving in fear of Canuck, a crow that doesn’t seem to fear people at all. He has a following online, and people seem to enjoy catching up on his antics, but this time he went too far by attempting to steal evidence from a crime scene. According to witnesses, Canuck swooped in as police were processing the scene, and took off with a friggin’ knife that police were collecting as evidence. Luckily he didn’t get far with it, and police were able to recover the knife. But there’s no telling what crime scene the bird will tamper with next.

What’s worse is that this demonstrates that the animals are arming themselves with knives in their quest to end humanity.

Brazil has a knife-wielding animal problem

Brazilians really need to secure their knives.
Brazilians really need to secure their knives.

There’s a hot new meme from Brazil that’s blazing its way across the internet. It’s either that or a growing worry that the animal uprising has taken a new form.

Brazil, the country hosting the Summer Olympics this year, is overrun with animals with knives. Authorities say a monkey helped himself to a glass of rum at a bar, then grabbed a knife and started chasing people around. Firefighters caught and disarmed the primate, because in Brazil, “fire” is a loose term. But sadly, the monkey was released, rather than being interrogated.

Elsewhere in Brazil, onlookers were threatened by a crab that also armed itself with a knife. When a crab has a knife in its claw, find yourself a gun.

Sometimes a drunk teacher just wants food, OK?

It’s been a while since we’ve warned you about the dangers of education, but here’s a solid an example of why education should be abolished.

In California, three 17-year-olds were out driving around on a Saturday night when they saw one of their teachers standing on the side of the road. The teacher, John Edward Maust, 34, appeared to the students to be a bit tipsy. He asked for a ride. And at some point during the trip, he pulled a knife on his students and demanded they take him to a Jack-in-the-Box, according to police. Authorities say he fled the vehicle after one of the students dialed 911 and the teacher saw a police helicopter overhead.

That means they get A’s on their finals, right?

Things are getting mean in the swamp

It’s March, and the southern climes maybe be getting nicer. But remember, stay away from the water.

Red Sox pitcher Jake Peavy managed to get himself on the injured reserve, he might be the first one to do so this MLB preseason. Peavy promised his son that they would go fishing since they are in Florida. He bought some fishing gear, and ended up cutting himself with a knife when he cut the packaging ties off. Of course, animals are suspected.

If that’s not enough of a reason to stay away from the water, snakes and crocodiles are fighting each other, and it’s best not to get in their way.

Cut your arm off, win a switchblade

Moving to Maine is, in a lot of ways, like cutting your arm off.  Sometimes, you do what you have to in order to survive, even if that means moving to the state that Stephen King made famous by immortalizing its killer alien spider clowns and demonically-possessed cars.

But, what if you got some chocolate in your lobsterbutter/lobsterbutter in your chocolate? Maine’s got your back, one-armed badass.

Maine’s legislature has approved a bill that would make it legal for amputees and other people with one arm to legally own a switchblade, enabling them to use a pocket knife without opening it with their teeth.

Governor LePage is expected to sign the bill into law, but has refused to comment on a follow-up amendment that would award lap dances to armless people who can twirl butterfly knives.

Starcraft continues to be serious business

A wonky Internet hookup is said to have triggered a Swedish Starcraft enthusiast’s random knife attack of a 15-year-old girl. Because, you know, that’s a logical conclusion to make.

Accordingly, the unnamed 18-year-old assailant “became angry when his internet connection wouldn’t work.” He then consulted a troubleshooting manual which apparently told him to grab a knife and go outside, as that will solve everything. There he attacked a 15-year-old girl “who was on her way home from a party and laughing with a friend.” Take that, you inconsiderate individual having fun times!

Her injuries were not life threatening. Mister Stabby was sentenced to psychiatric care.

Knife fight!

We all know that zoos are prisons for the enemies we capture. Better yet, they give us a chance to look the enemy in the eye and know that they are defeated. But like any prison, someone’s going to get shanked behind bars.

The Calgary Zoo got a little tense recently, when a western lowland gorilla (the highland gorillas wear kilts) grabbed a knife and pointed it at another gorilla. Why? Because sometimes your cell mates need to know what’s up. No one’s sure how the knife got in there, but word is the gorilla is now in solitary for a few days until he talks.

HBO: You need to get on a new show, it’s like OZ with animals!

That oughta show ’em

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this.

Love can make you do some crazy things, it can make you lose track of logic, and in some cases, it can also make you a little impulsive.

A 25-year-old man in Egypt tried for two years to convince his parents to let him marry a girl from a lower-class family. For him, love did not conquer his parents, so he did something that may seem a little rash. To get back at his parents, he heated up a knife and cut off his own penis. Have fun trying to concentrate this morning after hearing that one.