Moving to Maine is, in a lot of ways, like cutting your arm off. Sometimes, you do what you have to in order to survive, even if that means moving to the state that Stephen King made famous by immortalizing its killer alien spider clowns and demonically-possessed cars.
But, what if you got some chocolate in your lobsterbutter/lobsterbutter in your chocolate? Maine’s got your back, one-armed badass.
Maine’s legislature has approved a bill that would make it legal for amputees and other people with one arm to legally own a switchblade, enabling them to use a pocket knife without opening it with their teeth.
Governor LePage is expected to sign the bill into law, but has refused to comment on a follow-up amendment that would award lap dances to armless people who can twirl butterfly knives.
Hint: the act of robbery + alcohol + donuts + a knife does not equal a delicious breakfast pastry that’s good anytime of the day.
It does equal hilarity though.
A wonky Internet hookup is said to have triggered a Swedish Starcraft enthusiast’s random knife attack of a 15-year-old girl. Because, you know, that’s a logical conclusion to make.
Accordingly, the unnamed 18-year-old assailant “became angry when his internet connection wouldn’t work.” He then consulted a troubleshooting manual which apparently told him to grab a knife and go outside, as that will solve everything. There he attacked a 15-year-old girl “who was on her way home from a party and laughing with a friend.” Take that, you inconsiderate individual having fun times!
Her injuries were not life threatening. Mister Stabby was sentenced to psychiatric care.
We all know that zoos are prisons for the enemies we capture. Better yet, they give us a chance to look the enemy in the eye and know that they are defeated. But like any prison, someone’s going to get shanked behind bars.
The Calgary Zoo got a little tense recently, when a western lowland gorilla (the highland gorillas wear kilts) grabbed a knife and pointed it at another gorilla. Why? Because sometimes your cell mates need to know what’s up. No one’s sure how the knife got in there, but word is the gorilla is now in solitary for a few days until he talks.
HBO: You need to get on a new show, it’s like OZ with animals!
If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this.
Love can make you do some crazy things, it can make you lose track of logic, and in some cases, it can also make you a little impulsive.
A 25-year-old man in Egypt tried for two years to convince his parents to let him marry a girl from a lower-class family. For him, love did not conquer his parents, so he did something that may seem a little rash. To get back at his parents, he heated up a knife and cut off his own penis. Have fun trying to concentrate this morning after hearing that one.
In other knife related news, it’s absolutely, positively true that porn does cause violence—especially if you watch it when you should be paying attention to your girlfriend. And if your girlfriend is someone who likes to stab things when she’s angry? That’s a definite 10-4, good buddy. Why do you make porn hurt you like that?