Enterprising drunk prototypes ‘Cops’ selfie

If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.
If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.

It feels like everything under the sun has been done when it comes to drinking. When human society exists because hunter-gatherers would rather live with cowsh*t to produce wheat for beer, there can’t be much left to discover, booze-wise, after 10,000 years of making it.

But then some gloriously inebriated genius does something so reckless, so dangerous, that even the top minds in law enforcement can’t keep up.

Lakeland, Florida police scrambled to learn what Periscope is, install it, set up an account and use it to track down a self-declared drunk driver who was live-streaming her confused journey on a flat tire. Other users reported her to the police department after finding her self-produced Cops video.

Sure, what she did was stupid and could have killed herself and others. But combining using the phone while driving, and drinking and driving, is exactly the kind of action that could get us closer to self-driving cars. And that should free up our hands for even better drunken carriage ride home videos.

We look forward to seeing what else Ms. Beall comes up with while not driving for some time.

Humanity shines in face of animal terrorism

We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.

Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.

What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.

Take that, nature.