Tagged: Lance Armstrong

| Filed under Regular Post

It turns out DVDs are not a strong investment

Lance Armstrong has destroyed America. First, he let down the United States Postal Team, breaking the government. Then, he destroyed fans of competitive cycling all over the nation, both of them, by breaking the good name of the sport by taking drugs. Then he destroyed the hearts of kids around the nation by showing them that truly there are no heroes (except us).

And now? Now he’s managed to destroy the DVD industry of England. Or at least the DVD selling industry of one guy in England.

Thanks a lot, Obama.

| Filed under Facepalm

LIVESOMEONEELSE

In the wake of allegations by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, Lance Armstrong has stepped down from chairing his line of cheap men’s accessories, Livestrong. Minutes later, Nike announced that they will no longer use him as a spokesman (ha!).

The non-profit, non-governmental USADA put out a report last week accusing Armstrong and his Tour de France teams of using performance enhancing drugs to win the race seven consecutive times from 1999 to 2005. Since then, Armstrong has been on the ropes, debating whether he will submit to a polygraph.

Armstrong said he looks forward to spending more time at home with his testicle … provided that he hasn’t given it cancer, too, with all those  alleged hormone treatments he didn’t take.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Seriously business

If you work, then you’ve seen them: motivational posters. Like most propaganda, they use simple slogans and mind-searing images to raise your work level to Glorious Benefit for Behalf Father Company.

As a technical writer, I can’t help but notice that either:

A) Somebody didn’t realize what they were writing at the time.

B) Yes, they did.

C) Some combination of A and B where the powers that be noticed that an innocent slogan has a double-meaning, like eighth graders laughing at “penal code.”

So, let’s jump right in! Don’t forget to persevere through innovation outside the box on the way! Continue reading

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: The mighty have fallen edition

It’s Friday, and by now your NCAA tournament brackets are messed up. Well, that’s what you get for gambling. You do know that it’s illegal, right? At this point, you are probably looking to find some sort of diversion from thinking about the massive losses you have incurred. If you were busy getting stalked by a guy on the set of “Dancing with the Stars,” odds are you missed it.

Everyone get ready for another bracelet campaign
Lance Armstong fell in the first stage of some bike race in Spain, breaking his collar bone. Along with it, Armstrong shattered the hopes and dreams of young Americans everywhere who dream of growing up and pedaling really fast professionally. Luckily, he did not break his Twitter, as evidenced by the fact that he continued tweeting leading up to his surgery. Still being investigated: if tweeting and riding caused the accident in the first place.

Gun gun be gun, gun gun be gun gun
Things are not good for Rihanna. Even though she’s now 21, a year by rights she should not have to remember, she is got a boyfriend who allegedly hits her, she is catching heat for staying with him anyway, and um, Jay-Z probably has something to say about all of it, too. Clearly, it is time for some image recovery. Rihanna knows this, that is why she got a tattoo of a gun  near her right armpit. Perfect! Now we can no longer associate you with violence!

Nobody lies to Congress but Congress
Major League Baseball’s Miguel Tejada was sentenced to one year of probation, a $5,000 fine and 100 hours of community service for lying to Congress about his use of performance enhancing drugs. That’s right folks, let the word go our hence forth that if you want to do illegal drugs and then lie about it to federal lawmakers, all it takes is a fraction of your annual salary, some “Kids, don’t do drugs” public service announcements and a year of double-secret probation. Take THAT! Tejada will probably also have to buy his team, the Houston Astros, all lunch or something, too.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Not addicting, but got you by the balls

Medical researchers are experimenting with a new hypothesis that is sure to make Snoop Dogg sweat: does smoking marijuana increase the risk of testicular cancer?

So far, the answer is a very scientific “Idunno,” but they’re working on it.

But that’s not to say that every scientist is gung-ho about it. Some are calling the connection “a tenuous one,” especially considering the type of nut cancer they’re investigating has not increased over the past 35 years. We don’t have audio of this quote, so we can’t verify whether the source– Steve Shoptaw, “a professor in the department of family medicine and psychiatry at UCLA” — sounded anything like your freshman year roommate. (Think Tommy Chong.)

Should this hypothesis become fruitful, this is great news for Michael Phelps: testicular cancer improved the career of Lance Armstrong.

| Filed under Regular Post

‘Retirement’ redefined?

Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.

His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.

As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.

You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.

Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.

| Filed under Regular Post

Newsweek announces staff cuts in hair salon in six months

Remember how we told you that print journalism is doomed?  (Doooomed, I tell’s ya!)

Newsweek, which you probably read in waiting rooms when the Highlights is bogarded, has paid off 111 of its writers and staffers to go hit the showers … at some other magazine or home … permanently.

We’re not saying we were right, but Newsweek isn’t firing these staffers because they’re selling too many print issues.  Of course, this blog posits that Newsweek‘s woes began when they started selling back issues to the nation’s dental offices.  (This week’s big scoop: “Can Lance Armstrong win seventh Tour de France???”)