We’re no fans of science, least of all the Large Hadron Collider, which we assume collides hadrons, and is rather large in size. On the other hand, we’re no fans of animals, either.
That is why we are torn over recent events in Switzerland. There, a bird dropped a piece of a baguette (damn you, Frenchies!) into the LHC. On the one hand the bird stopped science temporarily from destroying the world. On the other hand, it’s a bird.
Really, it’s as simple as this: if the world ends, there will be no more animals. Science wins this round.
Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.
I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.
Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.
It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)
From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!
We warned you months ago that end is nigh. Well, we were unheeded: scientists still hate humanity and you–yes, you–didn’t blow up the Large Hadron Collider.
So, now those Franco-Swisso maniacs are gonna blow us up. (Damn them, damn them all to hell!)
To join the Official SeriouslyGuys End of the World Orgy, we’ll need you to sell all your worldly possessions and mail the proceeds to:
SeriouslyGuys Lube and Sunscreen Collection “Plate”
812 Obviously Fake Address
Dontreallydothis, West Dakota 29156
Remember: this is the only time we’ll ever run this event (until the next major “we’re all gonna die” media event/ratings booster), so you don’t want to pussyfoot around. You won’t want to collapse into a molecular ball of untold density any other way!
Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.
A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:
- Showing us invisible matter.
- Revealing other dimensions.
- Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
- Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
- Dog and cat cohabitation.
Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.