Just before Thanksgiving last year, the animals tried to end the world. Perhaps you hadn’t heard about that.
On Nov. 20, 2016, the Large Hadron Collider was under attack. Authorities say that a weasel-like animal called a marten climbed over a fence protecting the enormous particle accelerator. It was a suicide mission, an attempt to sabotage the LHC and hopefully blow up the Earth. The marten touched a transformer and was instantly killed as 18,000 volts coursed through its body. Luckily, the LHC didn’t blow up.
Why is this news now? Because the marten’s charred remains are now on display in the Netherlands at the Museum of Natural History Rotterdam. Make sure to stop by if you’re in town.
Remember when the universe was the only thing that existed? Ah, those were simpler times.
In the coming days, researchers are going to conduct an experiment that could detect a parallel universe. Remember the Large Hadron Collider? You had a few friends post super geeky science news about how it collided hadrons and discovered something new–or something like that. Scientists are revving it up again soon, and this time they might end up creating a tiny black hole. This somehow relates to being able to detect parallel universes.
What if there is another universe out there? What if the other universe is one where the Nazis or the animals won the war and enslaved all of humanity? We’re looking at the possibility of opening the door for a bunch of bear-riding Nazis to invade our universe. And scientists don’t seem to care.
We’re no fans of science, least of all the Large Hadron Collider, which we assume collides hadrons, and is rather large in size. On the other hand, we’re no fans of animals, either.
That is why we are torn over recent events in Switzerland. There, a bird dropped a piece of a baguette (damn you, Frenchies!) into the LHC. On the one hand the bird stopped science temporarily from destroying the world. On the other hand, it’s a bird.
Really, it’s as simple as this: if the world ends, there will be no more animals. Science wins this round.
Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.
I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.
Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.
It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)
From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!
We warned you months ago that end is nigh. Well, we were unheeded: scientists still hate humanity and you–yes, you–didn’t blow up the Large Hadron Collider.
So, now those Franco-Swisso maniacs are gonna blow us up. (Damn them, damn them all to hell!)
To join the Official SeriouslyGuys End of the World Orgy, we’ll need you to sell all your worldly possessions and mail the proceeds to:
SeriouslyGuys Lube and Sunscreen Collection “Plate”
812 Obviously Fake Address
Dontreallydothis, West Dakota 29156
Remember: this is the only time we’ll ever run this event (until the next major “we’re all gonna die” media event/ratings booster), so you don’t want to pussyfoot around. You won’t want to collapse into a molecular ball of untold density any other way!
Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.
A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:
- Showing us invisible matter.
- Revealing other dimensions.
- Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
- Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
- Dog and cat cohabitation.
Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.