Cry about it: Scientists can produce energy from tears

This week really isn’t off to a good start. Between Las Vegas and Tom Petty, there seems to be a lot to be sad about. But if there is any bright spot to be made, it’s that we have finally found a truly limitless source of energy.

Researchers in Ireland say they have found a way to harvest energy from human tears. Lysozyme crystals can be found in your tears and your saliva, and scientists have found that these crystals have an electric current if they are pressurized. That means that if we cry and drool enough, we can be our own sources of renewable energy.

Lysozyme crystals can also be found in the whites of birds’ eggs and in the milk of mammals. So if you’re sitting down to a mouthwatering breakfast that includes eggs and milk, and you’re crying about the mistakes you made the night before, we’re going to say your carbon footprint doesn’t exist.

Ohio halfway house takes pro-booze, stripper approach

If you’re newly out of jail, recovering from an addiction or are overcoming some kind of psychiatric illness, you’re going to have to readjust to society. It’s best to do that gradually, so you don’t fall back into the situation that got you there in the first place. That’s why we have halfway houses. But one Ohio halfway house is asking, “Why can’t the employees have a good time?”

The fun police in Ohio are going after the leaders of an Ohio halfway house for spending taxpayer money on booze, strippers and trips to cool places like Las Vegas. An audit found about $20,000 in unauthorized spending so that managers and a few employees could booze it up before and during conferences, bringing along family members and living large on the community center’s credit card. The director and deputy director are

The unorthodox approach to rehabilitating members of our community should be lauded, not scorned, for trying something new. What better way to help people than to better understand the vices they are trying to escape from?

Las Vegas now employs leprechauns in police force, because why not?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Over on the West Coast, in the vaunted city known as Las Vegas, the St. Patrick’s Day parade was already held on Friday. For non-residents, this might have been odd to witness. Couple that with the excessive amounts of drinks that can easily be consumed, multiplied by the unusually early amounts of green being displayed, then taken to an exponential power due to the extraordinary heat that can be found in Vegas, and people probably saw leprechauns.

Which they did. Right beside the police marching in the parade.

The police force employed individuals to dress up as the munchkin people in order to enforce driving laws. Drunk people, now seeing leprechauns, what were normally their friends, now teaming up with their enemies, the police, had to be massively confusing.

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

Breast cancer foundation too good for money raised via breasts

Perhaps the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation knows something we don’t know.

That’s the only reason that would honestly, morally, ethically and logically make sense for why they won’t accept the money raised by the Crazy Girls at the Riviera. The Crazy Girls recently celebrated the big 2-6. In response to such a grand birthday, they decided to donate a portion of the ticket sales from their anniversary show to Susan G. Komen.

This is probably where I should point out that the Crazy Girls is a topless dance show.

That said, some of their dancers have experienced breast cancer, and when breasts are what sell your job, you get concerned about them. Regardless, Susan G. Komen refuses to accept their donation under the grounds that:

Southern Nevada’s Executive Director Stephanie Kirby said it’s Susan G. Komen’s national policy to not partner with certain businesses, especially ones that may sexualize women.

Of course, it could also mean that they know that breast cancer research is almost all done. But that would be silly, apparently like the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers.”

Denny’s finally validating title of ‘destination wedding’

It took them just over four months, but last night, Denny’s finally closed the deal. That’s right, a wedding at their exclusive downtown Las Vegas restaurant happened. The lucky couple was treated to a “Pancake Puppies” cake and “Grand Slamosas.” Also, diabetes.

Remember, what felt like nearly a lifetime of planning can soon be over in just a few hours thanks to annulments and careful thinking.

It’s only a crime when you’re not demonstrating it, right?

It’s Super Bowl time, which means we clearly don’t need to worry about anything that happens west of New Orleans, right? Wrong. Roxanne Rubin, ever-vigilant patriot that’s not a journalist at all, decided to do some undercover journalism and crack the lid open on voting fraud by proving it exists.

“But Guys,” you may say, “the election was November. That’s two, three months ago.” And we’ll nod our heads and simply ask to turn on the Keurig, break out a cup and keep reading. That cup of schadenfreude will soon be yours.

Rubin, in her steadfast passion, managed to prove something: voter fraud can be committed. She also proved that she could be arrested for committing voter fraud and found guilty in a court of law after copping a plea bargain. Remember, she’s not a journalist, not that the line “It’s okay, I’m an undercover journalist” tends to fly that well in a court of law.

Mmmm-mmm, smell that schadenfreude. Drink deep and enjoy, faithful reader.

Honeymoons over my hammy

Denny’s strikes a blow for the sanctity of marriage as an institution between one man, one woman and one Elvis impersonator.

With over 1,700 Denny’s restaurants worldwide, you don’t have to travel far to get breakfast 24 hours a day, spaghetti or salmonella. But, there are only 50 locations with a full bar, and only one of those serves the ultimate 3 a.m. regret: marriage.

Denny’s newest location in Las Vegas will feature a wedding chapel and photo booth. And while you’re there, don’t forget to say “I do” to a Grand Slam breakfast so you can “round the bases” before you get back to your hotel room. (Denny’s is not responsible for pre-consumation bloat and food comas.)

Denny’s: what? At least you didn’t get hitched in a Waffle House.

Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day

As fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, reported a little over a week ago, Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong melted down at the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Armstrong objected to the final minute of his set, and whether Green Day’s set was cut short or not, he wanted the audience to know that it was “f%#king bulls*&t” as illustrated by the following:

  1. He’s been around since f%#cking nineteen eighty-f$#king-eight.
  2. He’s not f&@king Justin Bieber, you motherf#@kers.
  3. [You made him do this to his guitar.]
  4. God f%&king loves you all.
  5. He and the rest of Green Day will be back.

Music critics, and children who still give Green Day Kids’ Choice Awards, called it the most punk rock thing ever. But, I’m not so sure. Let’s look at his arguments, because they just cemented themselves in the Dad Rock Hall of Fame.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day