It’s Super Bowl time, which means we clearly don’t need to worry about anything that happens west of New Orleans, right? Wrong. Roxanne Rubin, ever-vigilant patriot that’s not a journalist at all, decided to do some undercover journalism and crack the lid open on voting fraud by proving it exists.
“But Guys,” you may say, “the election was November. That’s two, three months ago.” And we’ll nod our heads and simply ask to turn on the Keurig, break out a cup and keep reading. That cup of schadenfreude will soon be yours.
Rubin, in her steadfast passion, managed to prove something: voter fraud can be committed. She also proved that she could be arrested for committing voter fraud and found guilty in a court of law after copping a plea bargain. Remember, she’s not a journalist, not that the line “It’s okay, I’m an undercover journalist” tends to fly that well in a court of law.
Mmmm-mmm, smell that schadenfreude. Drink deep and enjoy, faithful reader.
With over 1,700 Denny’s restaurants worldwide, you don’t have to travel far to get breakfast 24 hours a day, spaghetti or salmonella. But, there are only 50 locations with a full bar, and only one of those serves the ultimate 3 a.m. regret: marriage.
Denny’s newest location in Las Vegas will feature a wedding chapel and photo booth. And while you’re there, don’t forget to say “I do” to a Grand Slam breakfast so you can “round the bases” before you get back to your hotel room. (Denny’s is not responsible for pre-consumation bloat and food comas.)
Denny’s: what? At least you didn’t get hitched in a Waffle House.
As fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, reported a little over a week ago, Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong melted down at the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Armstrong objected to the final minute of his set, and whether Green Day’s set was cut short or not, he wanted the audience to know that it was “f%#king bulls*&t” as illustrated by the following:
He’s been around since f%#cking nineteen eighty-f$#king-eight.
He’s not f&@king Justin Bieber, you motherf#@kers.
The U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new First-Class postage stamp featuring that all-American staple: the Statue of Liberty. Unfortunately, they accidentally used a picture of the shorter, sluttier Vegas statue.
The USPS is going ahead with it, though, and now we’re stuck with the first stamp in U.S. history that can give you herpes when you lick it.
“The GOLD to go” machine spits out 24-karat gold bars from 1 to 250 grams. And it can vend gold coins and bars with the Golden Nugget logo. The cost is constantly updated to reflect the ever-changing gold market. A computer inside the ATM keeps up with current prices.
The current cost at the ATM is more than $1,000 per ounce. Easily accessible for everyone. Surely. Oh, and to sweeten the deal, gold can’t be exchanged for chips at the hotel.
Having watched far too much CNN Headlines News over the past decade, I can only hope that the voice of the machine is an unemotional British woman. Or Pete Rose.
People staying at the hotel have been complaining lately about being more tanned than usual. This isn’t necessarily because of a growing ozone layer hole above the neon city, but because a design flaw in the building. Said flaw has been magnifying the searing light of the sun into a highly potent laser beam of doom, much like you probably did to ants or beetles as a child with a magnifying glass.
The temperatures of the rays have gotten so hot that it’s managed to melt different layers of plastic, something that normally doesn’t begin melting until a minimum of 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Ladies and gentlemen, we are clearly looking at the first ever super villain death trap. I applaud the architects in charge.
The Southern Nevada Health District has discovered the key to getting teens to stop smoking, picking up where tobacco companies have failed. (Which is surprising because those guys are marketing geniuses!)
The District has employed Vegas-style ads, using sex, booze and possibly Siberian tigers to convince youth that smoking is not sexy and, if you can’t get laid, then there’s always vodka.
Of course, some less successful anti-smoking campaigners have a problem with this. Smoke-Free Gaming chairwoman Stephanie Steinberg believes the ads just create a new problem: sexy, easy teenagers with tasty breath.
Steinberg’s right: unless these ads teach teens and young adults to eat their vegetables, volunteer with the elderly, spend a year abroad, go to church and quit smoking, then they might as well stay out of the discussion.
Look, folks. Las Vegas isn’t just some other desert city formed by gangsters for legal gambling and prostitution. It’s a city with feelings. To imply that it’s expensive to stay in a hotel shaped like a giant pyramid, drink $10 cocktails all night, get married and divorced within 24 hours and lose your girlfriend in a high stakes poker match–as they advertise–is just plain mean.
Flying sucks, and Las Vegas knows that. Unfortunately, unless you live in the southwest (and really, who does?), you have to fly to get there and back to where you call home.
MacCarran International Airport in Las Vegas already has slot machines in it, but it’s time to up the ante once again. They are considering putting a liquor store in it. This isn’t the duty-free kind of shop thing, we’re talking full on liquor store.