Pew! Pew! You can shoot lasers from your eyes now

Science has finally given us the ability to shoot laser beams from our eyes. It’s a wonderful future, everyone.

It’s been the dream of mankind since the dawn of comic books, and now it’s a reality, thanks to Scottish researchers. They have created a flexible plastic membrane that can be put on a contact lens, and can shoot a laser beam when it’s hit with a laser beam itself.

OK, so it’s not quite X-Men level yet. But researchers say the technology could be used for identification and security purposes, kind of like a personal bar code. Which isn’t creepy at all.

N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.


OK, this the big moment-you’re a grade schooler, you live in DC and you’ve got the opportunity to talk to the newly elected President Barack Obama. Most probably, your life will never get as exciting as it is now. What can I say? Reality sucks. However, it gets even better-you get to call an astronaut at the same time.  What do you ask? WHAT DO YOU ASK?

“Can you play video games in space?”

That’s exactly what the first kid said. No questions about the majesty of space, or about the grueling selection process involved in becoming an astronaut, or about the wonders of being able to just pick up a telephone and speak to somebody in space. It was “Can you play video games in space?”, and to be honest, that’s pretty awesome. What was Mister Astronaut’s answer?

We can, in fact. And in fact a few years ago when I was up here for six months I had a video game that I used to play in my spare time. Unfortunately, we don’t have much spare time.

So we can, we have a lot of laptop computers. But for the most part we stay real busy doing real work.

Lame, space dude. As we all know thanks to wonderful documentaries, playing video games is the only way to find the chosen one to save us from an alien invasion. Add some lasers onto the space station and you’re set. Get on it NASA.

The latest from the field of medicine

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we care about our readers’ health, mostly because there are so few of them and we can’t afford to lose any. With that touching thought in mind, we have two important pieces of medical advice for you today:

Did you know that metal objects, while they may be tasty treats, can actually be bad for you? It’s true! While an excellent source of iron (HAR!), assorted metal objects can be harmful to one’s tummy. Doctors in Peru recently announced this medical breakthrough after removing knives, nails, screws, a watch, some barbed wire and other scrumptious shiny objects from a man’s stomach. Also bad for you: standing near a magnet after eating a meal like that.

Lasers are bad, too–not to eat, that’s perfectly fine. But it turns out lasers may not be good for your eyes, so stop staring at your optic mouse right now! Some ravers in Moscow are now partially blind because the laser show burned their retinas (retinae?), which, this blog understands, is not a good thing. However, listening to loud electronic music while on illicit substances is A-OK, kids!

For more expert advice, be sure to turn your head and cough for Dr. Snee.

Most powerful laser created, can totally beat up your dad

Scientists have created a laser that is the brightest light in the universe. Thanks to the temperatures that it generates, exploding stars and giant planet cores are now open for exploration. Unfortunately, with great power comes great responsibility. Is this laser such a good idea? Let’s go the pro/con route.

Pros: For about a ten-trillionth of a second, it’s 100 times brighter than a gamma ray burst. What does this mean for you? For about a ten-trillionth of a second, you can become 100 times stronger than the Incredible Hulk. Human smash puny hulk!
Con: We are totally going to get aliens called to our planet with this laser. They will be annoyed. They will also probably have brighter lasers.

Con: If stolen, the laser will next show up at a WWE pay per view.
Pro: We may successfully be able to rid the world of the mullet haircut in one weekend.

Pro: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.
Con: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.