Animals, witchdoctors joining forces

There may be a crime problem in the U.S., but we really don’t have anything on the criminals of Nigeria, because they use trickery to outfox the local law enforcement–or at least they try.

A goat was arrested in Nigeria recently in connection with an attempted armed robbery. The police said the goat, was part of a gang that tried to steal a car. Wait, there’s more. Local vigilantes told police they were on patrol when they saw two people trying to steal a car, when they chased after the thugs, one used black magic to turn into a goat. We are glad to hear that animals are not escaping the long arm of the law in at least one country. To hell with libel laws, the goat clearly did it.

“‘We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,'” police said.

So far, the goat isn’t talking.

The barter system makes a comeback

Like every other major media outlet, SG has been bringing you the hard-hitting economy coverage you depend on. But much of our examination of the current economic crisis has been focused on its impact on Wall Street. Let’s head over to Main Street and see how things are there. (Stop after that: Sesame Street.)

In California, it’s getting so bad that stoners can’t even afford the triple bacon cheeseburgers they crave. Authorities arrested Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, after a McDonald’s employee complained that he tried to pay for his food with marijuana. Despite being a fast food worker, the employee declined the offer.

The re-emergence of the barter system, whether successfully implemented or not, is a sign of this nation’s struggling economy. It was commonplace during the Great Depression, and it even came back with Tears for Fears after the 1982 mini-crash.

Sudden Inmate Death Syndrome

For some reason, people who are brought in are dying shortly after they are arrested. We know, it sounds like a total mystery to us as well.

However, scientists are now looking into similarities between the sudden death of young, healthy men around the world, who suddenly die for no reason when they are in custody, and that of animals who suddenly die when they are captured. Some believe it is a syndrome.

This blog is totally stumped as to what could cause this syndrome. However, it does exonerate police throughout the ages. Yes, no longer will cops have to bear the burden of guilt every time some kid of another race dies in one of their jail cells. Also, just because a suspect swallows an eight-ball right before his arrest doesn’t mean he died of an overdose.

I believe you have my STAPLER!

Local law enforcement in Kentucky was not prepared for such shocking crime. They could only respond the best way they knew how after a robbery was reported.

According to witnesses, a man wearing a ski mask whom we can only assume was not skiing, got away with $175 from an ice cream store after threatening employees with a stapler.

Key quote: “Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn’t know if Rocchi planned to shoot staples at the shop’s employees or use it as a blunt instrument if he didn’t get the cash.”