No longer on her majesty’s secret service

MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.
MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.

Bond, James Bond — the only spy we’ve ever heard of to tell everyone he meets the same name — is apparently no longer welcome to apply to MI6, the British intelligence agency.

Alex Younger, the head of MI6, stated that Agent 007 (001 in our hearts) “wouldn’t get through our recruitment process.” That, while Bond meets the standard for “patriotism, energy and tenacity,” he lacks “emotional intelligence” and doesn’t value teamwork or always respect the law.

Is it just us, or does this sound like the second Bond girl in every movie? Not the easy one, the one he ends up in the life raft with at the end? You keep playing hard to get, Mr. Younger. You’ll get your Spy Who Loved You soon enough.

Idaho wants babies to own guns

Who could say no to this face -- when it's pointing a gun at you?
Who could say no to this face — when it’s pointing a gun at you?

Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.

The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.

The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.

Joanie openly loves married Chachi

We're reporting live from Joanie's pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.
We’re reporting live from inside Joanie’s pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.

A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.

Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.

So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.

Israel passes ‘Why don’t they eat something?’ modeling bill

Israel is the latest nation to join the “No Skinny Models” club.

Their legislature has passed a new law that requires all models — male and female — to pass a body mass index test that was administered by a licensed physician before they can be hired for modeling jobs. They have to have a BMI of 18.5 or above, otherwise, no catwalk, ad or billboard fame. Additionally, advertisers must state in a clear graphic if the model has been photoshopped into appearing thinner.

One of the lawmakers behind the bill, Rachel Adato, believes that this will help promote healthier body images for women and, by extension, help curb rising anorexia and other eating disorders statistics.

However, that’s not to say this bill doesn’t have it’s own victims, and by that, I mean all the people stuck in line behind models in Israel’s All-You-Can-Eat kosher buffets.

To B-cup, or not to B-cup

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!

Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.

The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:

  1. According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
  2. Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

Maybe he’ll end up being a model prisoner?

It seems a Japanese police officer in Fukuoka was recently arrested for violating national sword and gun control laws by modifying a model gun he had purchased to shoot metallic bullets and then posting about it on his blog. Always a smart move.

The guy was actually an assistant police inspector, theoretically, a step up from the typical beat cop, so we might be able to  assume his position would have required some understanding of the laws he was expected to enforce. So, what did he say when they arrested him? He claimed he didn’t even know he was breaking the law in question. I guess I can’t speak for everyone, but even I know that Japanese weapon laws are incredibly strict, to the point where even owning a swiss-army knife can get you in trouble. You might expect the police department to be a bit more on the up-and-up regarding laws.

Also, can I just point out that being able to write “national gun and sword laws” is one of the most awesome things to happen to me today?

Free Kang Wannian!

It’s a Christmas miracle-unless you’re the Chinese dude who was sentenced to twelve years in jail. It’s every warrior’s dream, but it there are very, very few who have actually had the chance to do so.

Kang Wannian, a Chinese man, killed and ate what just may be the very last Indochinese tiger. Apparently the incident happened in March, when the man came upon the tiger. Wannian said he killed the tiger in self defense (let’s face it, the killing of any animals is in self-defense), but apparently that did not fly with those liberal elites in the Chinese government.

It’s been a tough year for Asian tigers, as the Tamil Tigers were exterminated in May. Yes, we do geo-political gags, too.

Truly giving new meaning to the term triple double-cross

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -Henry VI, William Shakespeare.

Even Shakespeare knew in the 17th century that frivolous suits were the bane of civilization. Sadly, some near 400 years later, we’re still living in a litigious society that knows no bounds. Especially when it’s clearly a victim’s fault that a driver hits them in a head-on collision.

Intelligence likely to continue winning

WE’RE STILL DOING IT!

About a week or so ago, we at SeriouslyGuys told you about how an asinine proposed law in Utah was squashed right on the cusps of being created. It looks like we have nothing to fear.

Whoever would have thought the recession would aid  responsibility?

While the president of Utah’s state senate thinks he could probably get a two-thirds majority in his chamber, he’s not going to take the lead if the state house, which originated the bill, isn’t pushing for a veto. And that seems to be the case. The representative who sponsored the bill sent a letter to his colleagues sticking up for the bill, but not asking explicitly for their support of an override session or their vote in it.

Why so? Because on the back end, there’s a money issue. The legislature had canceled this month’s “interim study day” between sessions, saving about $25,000 in costs related to convening it. Like most states, Utah is pinching every penny where it can. So if the anti-game bill is worth the fight, and it isn’t, they’d have to spend the $25 grand just to take a vote. And then, if it succeeded, spend more taxpayer money in a constitutionally doomed defense of it.

May 11 is the deadline to call such a session. If money’s involved, the cheapest form of legislation will probably win.