There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.
Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.
City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.
Israel is the latest nation to join the “No Skinny Models” club.
Their legislature has passed a new law that requires all models — male and female — to pass a body mass index test that was administered by a licensed physician before they can be hired for modeling jobs. They have to have a BMI of 18.5 or above, otherwise, no catwalk, ad or billboard fame. Additionally, advertisers must state in a clear graphic if the model has been photoshopped into appearing thinner.
One of the lawmakers behind the bill, Rachel Adato, believes that this will help promote healthier body images for women and, by extension, help curb rising anorexia and other eating disorders statistics.
However, that’s not to say this bill doesn’t have it’s own victims, and by that, I mean all the people stuck in line behind models in Israel’s All-You-Can-Eat kosher buffets.
Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!
Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.
The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:
“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”
It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:
- According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
- Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?
In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.
That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.
We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:
- Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
- AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
- The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
- Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
- John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.
It seems a Japanese police officer in Fukuoka was recently arrested for violating national sword and gun control laws by modifying a model gun he had purchased to shoot metallic bullets and then posting about it on his blog. Always a smart move.
The guy was actually an assistant police inspector, theoretically, a step up from the typical beat cop, so we might be able to assume his position would have required some understanding of the laws he was expected to enforce. So, what did he say when they arrested him? He claimed he didn’t even know he was breaking the law in question. I guess I can’t speak for everyone, but even I know that Japanese weapon laws are incredibly strict, to the point where even owning a swiss-army knife can get you in trouble. You might expect the police department to be a bit more on the up-and-up regarding laws.
Also, can I just point out that being able to write “national gun and sword laws” is one of the most awesome things to happen to me today?
It’s a Christmas miracle-unless you’re the Chinese dude who was sentenced to twelve years in jail. It’s every warrior’s dream, but it there are very, very few who have actually had the chance to do so.
Kang Wannian, a Chinese man, killed and ate what just may be the very last Indochinese tiger. Apparently the incident happened in March, when the man came upon the tiger. Wannian said he killed the tiger in self defense (let’s face it, the killing of any animals is in self-defense), but apparently that did not fly with those liberal elites in the Chinese government.
It’s been a tough year for Asian tigers, as the Tamil Tigers were exterminated in May. Yes, we do geo-political gags, too.
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -Henry VI, William Shakespeare.
Even Shakespeare knew in the 17th century that frivolous suits were the bane of civilization. Sadly, some near 400 years later, we’re still living in a litigious society that knows no bounds. Especially when it’s clearly a victim’s fault that a driver hits them in a head-on collision.
WE’RE STILL DOING IT!
About a week or so ago, we at SeriouslyGuys told you about how an asinine proposed law in Utah was squashed right on the cusps of being created. It looks like we have nothing to fear.
Whoever would have thought the recession would aid responsibility?
While the president of Utah’s state senate thinks he could probably get a two-thirds majority in his chamber, he’s not going to take the lead if the state house, which originated the bill, isn’t pushing for a veto. And that seems to be the case. The representative who sponsored the bill sent a letter to his colleagues sticking up for the bill, but not asking explicitly for their support of an override session or their vote in it.
Why so? Because on the back end, there’s a money issue. The legislature had canceled this month’s “interim study day” between sessions, saving about $25,000 in costs related to convening it. Like most states, Utah is pinching every penny where it can. So if the anti-game bill is worth the fight, and it isn’t, they’d have to spend the $25 grand just to take a vote. And then, if it succeeded, spend more taxpayer money in a constitutionally doomed defense of it.
May 11 is the deadline to call such a session. If money’s involved, the cheapest form of legislation will probably win.
Let’s face it, folks, free soda is really, really important. Sure, the economy is in the outhouse, most of the world hates us and we’re still fighting two wars, but when it comes down to it, where the hell is my free soda?
Dr. Pepper promised it would give every American a free soda if Guns N’ Roses ever released its album “Chinese Democracy,” which was released this month. The release of the album was highly anticipated–a 17-year wait–because at times it looks as if democracy in China would happen before “Chinese Democracy.” The good doctor held firm to his promise, and for 24 hours, a coupon was available on the soda’s Web site. Which of course, crashed within a few hours because an overwhelming demand for something free.
Apparently, you really don’t want to make Dr. Pepper drinkers mad. GN’R is suing the soda because of all the negativity found online toward Axl Rose as a result of the promotion.
“When you go on the blogs and you read the responses from the fans, they associated Axl with this promotion … and blame him for the fact that they didn’t get their free soda,” said GN’R lawyer Laurie Soriano.
Really, lawyer dude? People are upset with Axl because they didn’t get a free 12 oz. can of sugar water? You don’t think it’s because your client not only made his fans wait until they were sending their kids off to college before releasing a new album? How about that the two singles released off of it are terrible, think that’s a reason?
More from HombresSeriamentes.com, while the Mexican Navy (who knew they had one?) is helping us fight the good fight, not all of Mexico is behind la guerra a los animales.
“Blacky” the burro has been released from jail serving just three days of its sentence, after being tried and convicted of assault in battery (on humans) and found guilty in a court of law. This blog is outraged at this miscarriage of justice. This sets a terrible example for animals, and suggests that they are above the law because they aren’t humans.
We say, if they are not humans, they can certainly be tried as enemy combatants.