Always check your beer for lizards before drinking

It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.

A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.

Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.

Authorities turn up heat on hot yoga founder

In hindsight, we’re not sure how anyone didn’t assume he’s a date rapist.

Authorities are on the hunt for Bikram Choudhury, the founder and namesake of Bikram or Hot Yoga. You may have heard of this from someone casually dropping into an unrelated conversation that they do yoga. Well, that fitness name drop is ruined forever, because Choudhury is now basically the Bill Cosby of stretching.

A judge in Los Angeles has issued an arrest warrant for Choudhury, who may have fled a $7 million dollar sexual harassment and wrongful termination suit by his former attorney by leaving the country. The lawyer, Minakshi “Miki” Jafa-Bodden, claims that Choudhury fired her after refusing to cover up allegations that Bikram raped and sexually assaulted a yoga student.

Police are now unleashing the dragnet, believing Choudhury fled to Mexico after hiding his assets. But, that was their first mistake: by turning up the heat, they’ve made it easier for Bikram to slip through any traps.

Women attacked by drone at wedding

We rely on machines for many things, and as they get smarter, they come closer to finally rising up and enslaving us. For now, they’re a nuisance. They disrupt otherwise joyful occasions, like weddings.

In New Hampshire, a drone managed to ruin a wedding. According to a lawsuit filed by two women, the groom flew a drone around to take pictures during his wedding reception. The drone ended up hitting the two women while they danced, giving them both concussions.

It’s obvious that this isn’t the groom’s fault. The drone went rogue as soon as it had an opportunity, and dive bombed the two women, probably hoping to take their lives. We’ll be the first to say it: flying robots are a bad idea.

The right to bear modified baby arms

When life (without parole) takes away all of your improvised weapons, make a billy club out of your penis.
When life (without parole) takes away all of your improvised weapons, make a billy club out of your penis.

In any election year, we all become a little more sensitive about our rights. Electing one person could lead to the government taking all of our guns away; another, locking all reporters up and forcing them to only publicly appear in caged fights with Bill O’Reilly. (Bill reserves the right to take their mics/makeshift broom handle clubs away if they start to win.)

But, does it really matter who wins the presidential election if unelected lower-level bureaucrats can already remove the implanted marbles from our penises?

Fortunately for all Real Americans, the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled unanimously that Adrian King, an inmate at the Huttonsville Correctional Center in West Virginia can sue prison officials for doing just that. They will now punish some poor judge and jury in the future as they decide whether prison officials violated King’s Fourth, Eight and Fourteenth Amendment rights when they illegally searched his penis and seized his marbles, cruelly and unusually punished him by forcing him to go through an elective surgical procedure and took away equal protection for something else to do with marbles in his penis.

Now, don’t your worries about whether boycotting amounts to censorship seem trivial?


The worst douche of all …

"I want you inside of me ... but I musn't. I daren't! I shan't."
“I want you inside of me … but I musn’t. I daren’t! I shan’t.

There are many kinds of douches in the world. There are young men who just finished reading Atlas Shrugged and can’t shut up about it. There are people who claim to be psychic, bilking money out of the grieving. There’s even actual douche, which is terrible for your vagina. But the worst douche of all, according to the results of a lawsuit against Johnson & Johnson, is their baby powder and any of their other products that contain talc.

The court found that the No More Tears company failed to inform consumers about the dangers of talc, including connection to cases of ovarian cancer. The court ordered them to pay $72 million to the surviving family of of an Alabama woman who died from ovarian cancer allegedly caused by using their products for feminine hygiene.

And no, this wasn’t just some isolated case of a woman thinking, “Huh, it spruces up my baby’s nethers … why not?” There are 1,200 pending cases against Johnson & Johnson with lawyers who are really hoping that the family company does not win any subsequent appeals to this verdict.

If only there were some substance that could reduce the legal friction that Johnson and Johnson is experiencing without making it wet or sticky … or giving it ovarian cancer. If only …

Tit-picketing, tit-picketing, tit-pick-er-roo!

We assume that the New Beginnings Ministry's attendance is boosted for the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are now actual odds of seeing titties at both.
We assume that the New Beginnings Ministries’ attendance is boosted by the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are actual odds of seeing titties at both.

If it seems to you that breasts and church would go hand-in-hand — both support nurturing babies, receive paper money and get inordinate attention when they wander too far into the public eye — you would be remiss in the city and county of Coshocton, Ohio: home of an ongoing feud between New Beginning Ministries and the Foxhole North strip club.

NBM has regularly picketed Foxhole North on Fridays. In response, the owner and dancers have occasionally attended Sunday services at NBM topless. Seems like a win-win, right?

Wrong. NBM is now using a federal law that establishes buffer zones between abortion clinics and protesters in a lawsuit that would bar the Foxhole North owner and employees from coming to their church topless. Yes, a church that frowns on abortion (and strippers, obvs) is using a law that protects abortion providers and patients, from what this very church does every week to a strip club, in order to prevent anyone else from doing the same to them.

So, are they for or against picketing? (Our guess: for when doing it, against when done to them.) And, without the very real threat of boobs in their church, now how will they compete with the NFL for attendance?

Lines unblurred in song theft case

The real victim in all of this is Emily Ratajkowski, who's been forced to run non-stop through everyone's heads since 2013.
The real victim in all of this is Emily Ratajkowski, who’s been running non-stop through everyone’s heads since 2013.

Jurors ruled in favor of Marvin Gaye’s estate, forcing Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams to pay the family for copiously lifting musical elements from Gaye’s “Got to Give it Up” to write 2013’s number one hit, “Blurred Lines.”

Despite roughly all music produced today sounding nearly identical (and, really, all songs with rhyming lyrics are just bad poetry), jurors could not dismiss evidence that all but two bars in “Blurred Lines” contained elements from “Got to Give it Up.”

Musicians are now worried about what this means for their business, as nearly all art comes from building on what has been done before and then rapping some new lyrics over it, even painting. This could mean an end to pop music as we know it.

… What’s the problem, again?

Wikipedia updates the NSA entry to make it more interesting

Had the NSA just used Wikipedia in the first place, they could have saved a lot of time and Pizza Rolls money on their group project.
Had the NSA just used Wikipedia in the first place, they could have saved a lot of time and Pizza Rolls money on their group project.

The Wikimedia Foundation, which is responsible for Wikipedia and 98 percent of the content in every high school essay, filed a lawsuit against the NSA.

In the suit, the foundation alleges that the NSA’s efforts to track communication with people not in the U.S. violates U.S. citizen’s rights to free speech. They argue that, by tapping into the backbone to collect data on Internet use, the NSA is “straining the backbone of democracy” and “inevitably scoops up data unrelated to any target and will also include domestic communications, violating the rules governing what the NSA can spy on.”

Besides, if NSA needs data on anything important, they can do what the rest of us do already: go to Wikipedia.

Lawsuit: Rick Springfield shouldn’t crowd surf

Ladies, stay away from Rick Springfield’s ass. It could be considered a dangerous weapon.

A woman is suing the 1980s pop singer, saying his ass injured her during a concert in 2004. Why has it taken more than a decade for this suit to make it to court? Imagine the trauma and shame of having to publicly admit you attended a Rick Springfield concert.

Rod Stewart’s fans are old

"If you want this body, and you think I'm sexy, let me know by bleeding all over your shirt."
“If you want this body, and you think I’m sexy, let me know by bleeding all over your shirt.”

Let’s say you’re a famous singer from the 1970s, and you’re fortunate enough to keep up a following today. What can we assume about your audience?

  1. Whereas life expectancy has risen over the proceeding decades, quality of that extended life has not.
  2. Your audience consists of people who get a thrill from raspy love ballads about sail boats.

Therefore, your audience is old, frail and presumably not amped up for sports. You should probably stop bludgeoning them in the face with kicked soccer balls, Rod.