Nutella, that hazelnut and chocolate spread from Australia, tends to be a fairly tasty food paste. Slap it on a sandwich with some peanut butter (fact: peanut butter makes everything better, so suck it people allergic to nuts) and you’ve got a tasty sammich. Slide some on a warm biscuit and you’ve got another tasty breakfast treat (or a treat that’s good anytime in the day, as I live in the south). But never should you, or would you, assume that it’s 100 percent the healthiest thing ever. I mean, it’s partially made from chocolate-you’re not gonna replace a grilled fish and pineapple salad with it.
Tag: lawsuit
Your tax dollars kinda at work
The United States have gotten a bit of an unwanted moniker as of late, thanks in part to ridiculous. And it’s true-we at SG are far too aware of the many stupid lawsuits that are brought up every single day.
We’re not talking about Judge Joe Brown or Judge Wapner telling you to pay 750 dollars in small claims court for scuffing up someone’s shoes at the club-we’re talking about someone suing their neighbor because the neighbor has a boa constrictor skeleton in their house and the person bringing the lawsuit is a necrophiliac. As such, it always makes the citizens of this nation, from the peasants to the lawmakers, a little happier when a crazy lawsuit is smacked down.
Unfortunately, it has the complete and opposite effect when it’s a congressman, a lawmaker himself, that is the person bringing about a ridiculous and stupid lawsuit. Really Dennis? You couldn’t be bothered to glance down at what you ate before shoving it into your mouth? I guess nothing says dangerous like an olive.
Taco Fight Night, presented by Comcast
As we reported on Tuesday, an Alabama law firm is suing Taco Bell over the actual beef content of their beef, all alleging that it is only 35 percent actual beef.
Things look grim for Bell. But then, two days later, they’ve announced they’re swinging back with a countersuit against the firm, claiming that their beef is 88 percent beefy.
Both sides are claiming to have studies and science on their side. Only a legal battle can settle this … and our bloodlust.
It’s a Taco Fight, ladies and gentlemen! We’ve got ourselves a Taco Fight.
‘Beefy’ is a state of mind, really
MacDonald’s maple syrup crisis may be over, but there’s a new fast food battle looming on the horizon.
A Montgomery, Alabama-based law firm is suing Taco Bell for their egregious use of the word “beef” to describe their brown-flavored meat filling. According to the firm’s test results, the mixture is only 35 percent beef, which is about 35 percent more beef than we ever suspected was inside of it.
Taco Bell is already gearing up their defense, and they’re opting for the “Miracle on 34th Street”: “We’re happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree.”
That’s right: if enough people say it’s beef, then what choice does the government have but to agree?
[via John Papageorgio]
The internet loves your mistakes but people love your money
So, remember how a woman was oblivious enough to not be aware about her surroundings while texting and walking? It would seem that someone needs to pay for her blunder! They will pay!
The woman, who up until now, has been unknown, has now been revealed to be 46 year old Cathy Cruz Marrero. That happens when lawsuits come about.
Oh, right, see, Marrero is suing the Berkshire Mall. The gall of anyone suggesting she take responsibility for her actions! When asked about the event:
“I’m just like dumbfounded. And all I kept saying was, ‘I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.”
Correction: You clumsily stumbled in the fountain. What you should be saying is “I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain. I clumsily stumbled in the fountain.” Fixed!
Just the outcome you’d expect
The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.
The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.
Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)
This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!
A Whopper of a loogie
To help sort out everything in this story that could or did go horribly awry, here’s how it went down by the numbers:
1. A Sheriff’s Deputy walks into a Burger King. (Classic!)
2. He orders a Whopper, presumably with cheese and no spit.
3. The cashier screws up his poker face, raising the deputy’s suspicions.
4. The deputy sifts through his burger, layer by layer until he discovers, under the meat on the bottom bun, “a loogie filled with milky phlegm.”
5. He then takes the remains of the burger (we assume he ate the top layers since he didn’t find any spit, and there are starving children in Korea) to the boys in the lab for a DNA analysis.
6. That DNA analysis returns results pinpointing one of the employees at the Burger King, which means he either swabbed everyone there or the culprit’s DNA is on file from a prior bodily fluids-related offense.
Yep, it’s just another day in Vancouver, Washington.
MORTAL LAWSUUU-IT!
Someone gimme my techno music.
A Hollywood production company has filed suit against Warner Bros., claiming the media giant has frozen it out of developing a Mortal Kombat movie after buying up the franchise in last year’s sell off of Midway.
It’s being reported that Threshold Entertainment filed the suit on Tuesday in Los Angeles. It was the original development partner with Midway of the 1995 film adaptation of Mortal Kombat, and in 2006 signed a contract with Midway to develop another film. While Midway went bankrupt and Warner successfully bid on its properties, Threshold says federal bankruptcy proceedings upheld the agreements it had signed with Midway, passing them on to Warner.
Last month word surfaced that Warner was interested in doing a reboot of the 1995 movie, having already hired a screenwriter to the project. Meantime, Threshold said Warner had avoided communications with them, and the screenwriter news? The last straw.
LEGALITY.
Judge rules First Amendment protects dooty-head
A federal magistrate has ruled that Katherine “Katie” Evans, who apparently doesn’t have clever enough friends to give her a cool nickname, can sue her principal for violation of her First Amendment rights.
The stinky-sounding Evans posted a critical Facebook page of her teacher in 2007, dubbing the educator “the worst teacher I’ve ever met.” Evans took the page down a couple of days later. We cannot confirm whether Evans is stupid or lazy, but her reliance on Facebook doesn’t help her case.
Two months later, the principal, Peter Bayer, found out about the page and suspended Evans for 3 days. He also reached our same conclusion and bumped her down from her Advanced Placement classes.
We agree, though: Evans’ speech against her teacher is Constitutionally-protected and her principal was wrong to punish her, even if she is a sniffly, desperate, drama queen with cloven feet, backbreaking halitosis and deficient iron in her blood. (That’s right, we said it: “Katie” Evans is anemic.)
Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be
Dear Dr. Snee,
What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?
–Johnny Laster, age 8
A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.
But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.
A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be