Tag: lawsuit

Gimme!

What monopolistic giant Microsoft wants, monopolistic giant Microsoft gets. And what does it want? It wants its remaining unsold stock of Xbox 360 related paraphernalia back. And it wants it back NOW.

Really. It wants the back stock so badly that the software mammoth is willing to sue Woolworths’, the British retailer that closed all of its doors today.

OK, in all actuality, Microsoft and entertainment company EMI are beginning to sue Deloitte, the administrators of Woolworths’ rotting corpse. To put it plainly, as an administrator, Deloitte would be expecting to make a quick buck selling off Woolworths remaining inventory at crazy prices. Including those 360 consoles.

To prevent this from happening, Microsoft and EMI are going to argue that, under Britain’s “retention of title” rules, because Woolworths are on their way out and either haven’t paid for the consoles or owe Microsoft money, they can seize back the consoles.

Somebody get the popcorn.

They might be ‘wizards,’ but not the best spellers

Several high profile members of the KKK (that’s the Ku Klux Klan for those of you wondering what the last “k” stands for) are being sued in Kentucky for assaulting Jordan Gruver. It’s not known if they attacked Gruver because he is of Panamanian descent or doesn’t have “relations” with his kin.

Of these defendants, one is “Imperial Wizard” Ron Edwards, who — in a display of his intellectual immensity — is defending himself.

This is the moron’s defense:

  1. “I’ll prove that I teach them not to go out and commit violence.”
  2. “I’ll prove I did not know they were there.”

After all, the KKK has always been known for it’s adherence to nonviolent tactics. Purification of white blood just means that it would be nice if non-Anglo-Saxon, -straight and -Protestant people would just stop having blood … in them.

Heavenly legal team off the hook

They say in America you can sue anyone for anything. But its seems that now has its limits, because you can only sue people whom you can find and serve.

God can’t be sued, because you don’t have his address, a court ruled last week. Nebraska state Senator Ernie Chambers filed the suit because he has too much free time on his hands in hopes of getting a permanent injunction against God and all bad things he does to the U.S. We can only assume this idea was hatched after Hurricane Katrina, which we hear devastated Nebraska.

Chambers argued that the defendant did not have to be served, because God knows everything, and therefor knew about the lawsuit. The court apparently thinks God is stupid, because it rejected the argument. We here at SG believe that the case, as every other, should have its day in court. But then again, we’ve already seen this movie. The tape recorder doesn’t pick up a voice.

Literary Match of the Century: Ender vs. Harry

Oh, god. Rowling's gonna sue us next.As J.K. Rowling and over-indulged fans of her books take turns crying in court, the rest of the world waits with baited breath to see who will win: the children’s author who lived or “scholarly” authors looking to validate their term papers on kids’ books.

The argument could rage on forever. Both sides are convinced that they have been wronged, that their very livelihoods are at stake and that literature could be hobbled for the foreseeable future. Who can stop this war that threatens the English-reading world and life as we know it?

Ender freakin’ Wiggin could.

Well, really his creator, celebrated science fiction author, Orson Scott Card. In a scathing editorial for The Rhinoceros Times, Card points to the similarities between Rowling’s “creative” seven-time repeat of the same book and the story he only had to write once (twice if you count Ender’s Shadow, but that was admittedly the same story told through another perspective and still consisted of more scene changes than Potter’s entire series).

“A young kid growing up in an oppressive family situation suddenly learns that he is one of a special class of children with special abilities, who are to be educated in a remote training facility where student life is dominated by an intense game played by teams flying in midair, at which this kid turns out to be exceptionally talented and a natural leader. He trains other kids in unauthorized extra sessions, which enrages his enemies, who attack him with the intention of killing him; but he is protected by his loyal, brilliant friends and gains strength from the love of some of his family members. He is given special guidance by an older man of legendary accomplishments who previously kept the enemy at bay. He goes on to become the crucial figure in a struggle against an unseen enemy who threatens the whole world.”

The Boy Who Lived is in serious trouble this time, gang: he’s up against the Boy Who Commited Xenocide.

Starbucks is in trouble, gang!

Sorry to interupt today’s observance of the War on Animals, but Starbucks is in trouble!

The San Diego Superior Court has ordered the company to pay over $100 million to all of its waiters baristas in California.  They were sued by a former employee who claimed that shift supervisors were included in tip-share, which is in violation of state law.

This venti order of justice could not come at a worse time.  Starbucks has been in financial trouble for almost two years now because caffeine junkies have turned their back on them in favor of quicker fixes like Red Bull, Dunkin’ Donuts and crack-coccaine.

Remember the world before Starbucks?  When you had to drink a Coke to wake up in the morning?  When your tongue wasn’t stained hemorrhoid brown?  When you didn’t have a place to show off your Macbook?

Do you really want to go back to using PCs, having money for cigarettes and listening to Peter Cetera un-ironically? 

We didn’t think so.  Get to a Starbucks today, and let them know what America is really about: not drinking tea.

Justified Lawsuit of the Day

A 15-year-old is suing his his school. Not because he was sexually abused, not because he was racially discriminated against, not because he feels his teachers are not holding up to their end of the unspoken education contract. No, he’s suing because he was woken up.

Vinicios Robacher was sleeping in class when his iron-fisted teacher slammed her hand down on his desk. Robacher is suing, claiming to have suffered ear damage from the loud noise made close to his ear. And well he should. For far too long we have allowed educators to keep our nation’s sleepy youth conscious. They forget these kids are up all night doing important things like text messaging, giggling on the phone or the occasional “sleepover” that involves alcohol.

Our children need their rest!