Cut your arm off, win a switchblade

Moving to Maine is, in a lot of ways, like cutting your arm off.  Sometimes, you do what you have to in order to survive, even if that means moving to the state that Stephen King made famous by immortalizing its killer alien spider clowns and demonically-possessed cars.

But, what if you got some chocolate in your lobsterbutter/lobsterbutter in your chocolate? Maine’s got your back, one-armed badass.

Maine’s legislature has approved a bill that would make it legal for amputees and other people with one arm to legally own a switchblade, enabling them to use a pocket knife without opening it with their teeth.

Governor LePage is expected to sign the bill into law, but has refused to comment on a follow-up amendment that would award lap dances to armless people who can twirl butterfly knives.

Spoilers: Snape touches students

If the internet was made for sex, then what are young adult books made for?

Well, if you’re in Britain, then they’re clearly made for pedophilic tendencies. Isn’t that right, J.K. Rowling?

Oh yes, that’s right, the woman behind the financial marvel known as ‘ARRY POHTTAUH may have to register as a potential pedophile simply thanks to the literature that she’s written. Now, mind you, the Harry Potter series is clearly not of the Lolita style of writing, but simply because she has the possibility of visiting students at schools, Rowling must go onto a list of people who may have a greater likelihood of becoming white unmarked van drivers. Oh, and also, she’s required to pay a fee to go onto this list. Genius.

And no, this is not an article from The Onion. We could only hope that it was.

Florida law gives wedgies to youths

There are many things that take a bag seat to more important matters. Things like two ongoing wars, a tanking economy, presidential primaries and the color of Britney’s undergarments all take a back seat when something as crucial as baggy pants is addressed.

As we reported last year, Atlanta tackled the baggy pants issue first, leading the way for the country. We have covered the national crisis since then. But the latest development comes to us from Florida, where the state legislature has just passed a law requiring students to pull up their pants for crissakes, why back in my day we never wanted our pants to be baggy or touch the ground, we even wore suspenders to ke–AHEM! Sorry about that, as far as we know that is what most Florida voters are thinking.

So just to clarify:

Scurry to Meghalaya

Most westerners think people in India have odd sounding names. They have no idea. Over 300 politicians in the remote Indian state of Meghalaya are running for the state legislature. Let’s just say they sound like American write-ins.

This blog’s favorites:

  • Adolf Lu Hitler Marak
  • Frankenstein Momin
  • Britainwar Dan
  • Hilarius Pohchen

Ready for something that will drive you nuts all day? Why is it politicians in a remote Indian state have such pronounceable names, but you can’t find a single vowel in the name of the guy driving your cab?

South and South: Civil War II?

It’s been one busy week for this Southern correspondent. On top of tornadoes, a sugar refinery explosion and Mike Huckabee delegates, Georgia lawmakers are instigating an expansion of their border into Tennessee.

Georgia’s legislature has proposed a resolution to “move the Tennessee-Georgia boundary about a mile to the north of where it now lies,” placing it exactly at the 35th parallel. The shift would give them access to the Nickajack Reservoir on the Tennessee River to help alleviate Georgia’s water woes.

Tennessee residents of the proposed Rhineland are opposed to the measure and have already drafted unofficial responses:

“One state senator offered to settle the issue with a football game. Another suggested floating an armada of University of Tennessee fans down the Tennessee River to defend the state’s territory.”

Could the 35th parallel become the equivalent of the 38th parallel between North and South Korea? We smell a new Ken Burns special! Stay tuned to this blog for updates as we cover, “South and South: Civil War II?”