You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Winter Olympic gays edition

"You volunteers realize you'll be sent to Siberia if you wear those outside this room, right?"
“You volunteers realize you’ll be sent to Siberia if you wear those outside this room, right?”

I really hate all those songs about how great California is. There seems to be one that becomes a hit at least every other year. I’m sure parts of it are quite nice, and I’m glad to hear you’re having such a good time, but I don’t really care. It’s a clear sign that the songwriter has run out of actual life experiences to convey. It’s kind of like how every other country song is about how much the singer enjoys living in their small town and is satisfied with his meager means. It’s a lie, because they’re millionaires. So can we stop writing and supporting songs like these? If your house got raided for eggs this week, odds are you missed it.

Putin promises Olympics to be as gay as ever
Russian President Vladimir Putin said this week that gays will be welcomed at the Winter Olympics in Sochi next month, and they won’t be arrested either, provided they stay away from children. However, they shouldn’t go around spreading their “gay propaganda,” he said. This coming from the guy who has spread more gay propaganda in Russia than anyone else.

Dead island
Did you know that there was a Japanese soldier in the Philippines who refused to abandon his wartime post until 1974. It’s true, he wouldn’t stand down until his commanding officer came to relieve him of his duties. Anyway, Hiroo “World War II Isn’t Over Until I Say It Is” Onoda died this week. Also dead , actor Russell Johnson, who played the professor on Gilligan’s Island. So in all it was a bad week for people who used to live on remote islands.

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham is on the cover of “Vogue” magazine this week, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture has clearly been touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and for this to happen betrays all that, they say. In other news, Dunham was just given an award for best magazine cover ever.

The McBournie Minute: Award shows are only fun when things go wrong

I watched the Golden Globes last night. It’s out there now, no taking it back. What I can say is that it wasn’t really something intentional, it was just sort of, “Well, this is on. This ought to kill a little bit while I eat.” Then I couldn’t turn it off.

I’m not a fan of award shows, (and judging from their ratings in recent, neither are you) I just find the whole “industry patting itself on the back” thing is pretty trite. I may pay attention to who wins the bigger Oscars, but I certainly don’t mind missing it. In fact, I probably haven’t really been excited for an award show since the MTV Video Music Awards back when I was in high school, when the bassist from Rage Against the Machine could get arrested for climbing the stage scenery on live television.

So yes, it’s been quite a while. And yet, there I was last night on my couch, learning about what not to do when hosting a fancy event. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Award shows are only fun when things go wrong

You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!