May he fingerbang our daughters’ hearts forever

It’s Friday, which means only one thing: news from Tinseltown! For those of you who didn’t lose your virginity in a depression (and recessions don’t count), we mean Hollywood: land of dreams and stained casting couches, home of the neediest waiters and baristas in the world!

Did your parents ever explain to you where Hollywood leading men come from? They’re made, just like mafia dons! For instance: Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio made Taylor Lautner yesterday, just as Tom Selleck and John Stamos once did to them back in the ’90s. And they received their nods from Burt Reynolds and Henry Winkler and so on and so forth, et cetera, et cetera.

Let’s hear it for Taylor Lautner! May his abs never congeal into a gunt, his face never wrinkle or develop jowls and his career never end as an Old Spice spokesperson!

You may now return to your dumpster-diving, and thanks for reading this on stolen Starbucks wifi.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Inception’

Here’s the quick and dirty review of Inception: go see it. It’s a phenomenal movie. Go. NOW.

You’re still here. Why are you still here?



Okay, fine, click the jump to read more words from me about it. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Inception’

First Favre, next teens

Flava Flav asks the latter question every time he wakes up.

The Guys like to think that we not only keep our fingers on the pulse of pop culture and youth, but that we also forecast emerging trends and try to push them into the public arena.

From Irish chic to pirates and ninjas to vampires and werewolves, we’ve followed along. We even had our list of contenders for 2011, including:

  • News Reporters (e.g., a sparkling Brian Williams in every locker) — Bryan McBournie
  • Daleks and the Japanese — Chugs Taylor
  • The Pittsburgh Steelers — Bryan Schools
  • Soviet Cowboys — Rick Snee and the Markettron 2000 2100

Boy, did we not see Vikings. Way to scoop us, MTV.

Take it from Snee: Shut up, actors

Look, actors, you can't ALL be Arnold.You know what irks me?  Having to apologize to myself whenever I watch a movie starring Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Edward Norton, John and Joan Cusack, Martin Sheen, Darryl Hannah, Edward James Olmos, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Christopher Reeves or any other politically-involved actor.

The same internal dialogue happens during the opening credits:

“OK, Rick.  You’re just watching their movie.  You’re not really paying them, more like paying their producers who only want you to see explosions and sequels. 

“Just pretend you didn’t accidentally read how they’re really into environmentalism, peace or walking again.  (Thank god the ‘Superman’s Grounded’ hoopla is over and done with!)  All you wanted to do was find out they were voted ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ again or made a sex tape to Google later. 

“It’s not your fault they told you things you didn’t want to hear.  You can just watch this movie where they read lines like the meat robots they actually are.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up, actors