Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.
Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.
Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.
After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.
As I established 
So, last week I mentioned that married men are forced to watch chick flicks. Of course, the more whipped boyfriends out there have probably done the same, which is why they’ll always be groomsmen: gentlemen, you don’t give the back rubs away for free. (Whores.)
OK, so there’s talk that President Obama might lift the ban on gays in the military — you know, because there definitely aren’t any gays or lesbians in the military right now.
If you thought this would be a slow news week, hold on to your butts, animal warriors.
As a junkie for hard-hitting, earth-shattering news, I was floored yesterday.
With Mike Huckabee being somehow considered a more viable presidential candidate than Ron Paul, the 10 million dollar question has been raised again: should we amend the Constitution to reflect “God’s standards?” Of course, it was a blanket statement made on a campaign stump with no elaboration, so we can only wonder what he meant.