The Boy Scouts of America have decided to try something new and start reporting their sex offenders to the police. Their previous method mirrored the Catholic Church, which was to
1. Maintain their own private records of sex abuse incidents.
2. Ignore that list and kick out all the gays.
BSA reports that, by turning over criminal justice to the professionals, they’ll be able to concentrate more on identifying atheists by a list of inaccurate stereotypes and purging them from the ranks.
“Figuring out which boys are atheists will be tough, you know, because the uniform coves up their Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirts and Darwin fish undershorts,” said Chief Scout Executive, Wayne Brock. “Say what you will about the seriousness of child abuse, but at least the pedos got these shy, godless boys to peel off a few layers.”
Gays and lesbians will still not be allowed to join, of course, because Jason Voorhees.
Spec plot synopsis: Take two ca-raaaaaaaazy lesbian lovers, have them rummage around through the houses of New Jersey, taking anything and everything that they can (including, but not limited to, budget-wise:
Jewelry, video games, cameras, laptops, watches, $22,000 in cash, Euros, pesos, poker chips, $2 bills, toy ponies, toy cars, toilet paper, a .22-caliber revolver, a Sony PlayStation, a Nintendo Wii, knives, autographed baseballs, Crazy Glue, lubricated condoms, a Virgin Mary statue, sneakers, iPods and baby lotion
along with flat-screen TVs and facial creams, but those are a dime a dozen). From there, have these crimes take place even in broad daylight, because who would suspect a broad? Then have the pair attempt to get into Samantha’s house, except … when they open the front door, they’re chased off by a lion (which is actually Darrin thanks to a screw-up).
For those interested, this sounds like a long-lost script from Bewitched or potentially real life.
The Republican Party’s had a rough couple of weeks. They lost the fight over health care reform. They had some trouble outright condemning death threats and failing to distance themselves from racist lunatics. The Pentagon’s trying to make the military more gay-friendly. The President even co-opted their idea to expand oil exploration off the mid-Atlantic coast.
Through all of that, the faithful have remained …
… that is, until LesboStripperGate 2010!
After it was revealed that the Republican National Committee funded a $2000 field trip to see How Lesbians Work, family values “expert” Tony Perkins, Sarah Palin and others have announced that they are boycotting the RNC and encourage others to do the same.
Really? Strippers are the line? They do realize that there is no–none–sex in the champagne room, right?
All the same, we’d like to officially welcome the GOP to the third party ghetto now.
The list of ways to have sex with ladies without getting them pregnant is now one method shorter. It appears that women can get pregnant again when they’re already pregnant, so don’t believe all the hype on that fetish.
Fortunately, that still leaves:
- Post-menopausal women
- Condoms (though only 99.9 percent effective and everyone reading this must be exceptional)
- Being a lesbian
- Painting a second egg on the uterine wall, causing your sperm to crash headlong into it instead of fertilizing the real egg
You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.
Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.
‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.
All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.
Some men have real prestigious claims to fame, like being President of the United States, anyone who can find a succesful way to date Megan Fox and a stripper, or being Tom Brady. However in this case in South Australia, one man has impregnated 30 LESBIANS. Is there some sort of medal for this?
Greater odds than impregnating 30 lesbians:
–Clay AIken actually being gay
–Brazilian military assisting the animals in the war
-Cubs win World Series
SeriouslyGuys like to think of ourselves as very, very world-reknowned. I mean, we have to be in order to get you, our adoring audience and fans, the very best in news. We also like to think of ourselves as very attentive and determined. After all, who else would have brought you the news about the epic “Lesbos v. Lesbians” in May? What site would update you in June when Lesbos got their time in court? Certainly not the official Lilith Fair site, I can tell you that. And what site gives the final piece in this saga? SeriouslyGuys, that’s who.
Speaking of which, yes, it would seem that the case has finally come to a close. A court in Athens recently ruled that a word could not truly define the identity of those that reside in that area, and as such, lesbians was a fine enough word to describe gay groups. Also, the cost of the word lesbian is approximately $366.20 USD. Key words were spoken by Vassilis Chirdaris, head of G.L.U.G. (no, I swear to God that I’m not making up that acronym):
This is a good decision for lesbians everywhere
Personally, I’ll definitely agree with him. I’m hard pressed to think up of anything that goes along with “TOTALLY HOT ______ ACTION”.
So, in May, SG reported to you about how Lesbians are trying to get their own name. Well, their time in court is here.
Lesbians from Lesbos are suing the other lesbians because apparently being a Lesbian doesn’t mean that you’re, you know … into lesbians. Attending Lilith Fair, though, still continues to mean that you are. Did you understand all of that? Because despite the number of times that I’ve read this story, all I got out of it was a headache.
OUR OWN NAME!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
RIGHT AFTER LILITH FAIR!
“Campaigners on the Greek island of Lesbos are to go to court in an attempt to stop a gay rights organisation from using the term “lesbian” … publisher Dimitris Lambrou says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos’s inhabitants.”
I can sort of see that being a problem. I mean, if I went to some fabled island in a drunken haze, only to have all of my hopes and dreams come crashing down, I might cause some daily problems to the social life of the island’s inhabitants too.