Just before Thanksgiving last year, the animals tried to end the world. Perhaps you hadn’t heard about that.
On Nov. 20, 2016, the Large Hadron Collider was under attack. Authorities say that a weasel-like animal called a marten climbed over a fence protecting the enormous particle accelerator. It was a suicide mission, an attempt to sabotage the LHC and hopefully blow up the Earth. The marten touched a transformer and was instantly killed as 18,000 volts coursed through its body. Luckily, the LHC didn’t blow up.
Why is this news now? Because the marten’s charred remains are now on display in the Netherlands at the Museum of Natural History Rotterdam. Make sure to stop by if you’re in town.
Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.
I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.
Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.
It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)
From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways. Continue reading
Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.
A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:
- Showing us invisible matter.
- Revealing other dimensions.
- Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
- Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
- Dog and cat cohabitation.
Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.