Tag: lies

What’s really up, doc?

Did you know that your doctor could be lying to you? It’s likelier than you think. In a survey of doctors in the medical journal Health Affairs:

  • 55 percent admitted to sugarcoating a patient’s prognosis.
  • 10 percent to saying something that just wasn’t true. (Probably the doctors who claim to know someone who lost a patient to a marijuana overdose.)
  • About 33 percent didn’t feel the need to admit mistakes to patients.
  • 40 percent would prefer to keep their financial ties to drug and device companies on the down-low.

It just goes to show: never trust anyone who attends eight years of college and doesn’t die.

The SG Guarantee

If you’ve ever used the Internet read the news today, then you might be having trouble trusting what you read online. At least 17 percent of respondents managed to not lie to an online survey long enough to admit that they lie about who they are online.

If you think that number is low, be aware that this survey was conducted by Norton, who has a hard time tracking down viruses, much less people who lie about:

  • Having a 9-inch wiener.
  • Their time as an Army Ranger.
  • The research behind their paranormal studies/religious expertise/conspiracy theory.
  • Totally not using a Mac right now.

The Guys just want to reassure you right now that we are who we say we are: Will Smith’s backup dancers. To be honest, though, we didn’t all dance for him at the same time.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Dear Dr. Snee,

What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?

–Johnny Laster, age 8

A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.

But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.

A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

In democratic America, video tapes you

In a story more meta than anything written by Grant Morrison, two former Neiman Marcus security employees who were paid to secretly videotape customers as they shopped are now suing their bosses for secretly videotaping them … as they had relations in the security office. Relations of the biblical manner. Whoopsidoodle. Of course, the story does ask the question of how could they have possibly guessed that someone would be watching them?

US teens learn to lie during surveys

According to a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, US teens are more likely to lie about having sex, doing drugs and smoking cigarettes than they were in the 1990s.

“About 48 percent of high school students were no longer virgins in 2007, down from 54 percent in 1991.

“Meanwhile, just 15 percent said they’d had four or more sexual partners, down from 19 percent in 1991.

“And 62 percent of sexually active students said they’d used a condom the last time they had sex, up from 46 percent in 1991.

“Some 35 percent of teens had at least one drink of alcohol in the month before they were surveyed in 2007, down from 42 percent in 1991.

“Marijuana used has fallen to 20 percent of students from a peak of 27 percent in 1999 while methamphetamine use is down to four percent of teens surveyed in 2007 from 10 percent in 2001.

“Nearly half as many students admitted to carrying some kind of weapon: 17 percent in 2007 compared with 33 percent in 1991.”

So, at least teens are smarter than their counterparts in the 1990s.