Parents live longer to post more pictures of their kids

They grow up so fast and yet postpone the merciful release of death. Children are selfish.

For all the talk out there about parenthood being hard — we wouldn’t create an entire industry of blogs if it wasn’t — there are allegedly benefits. And not just for chores. New research indicates that having children may help older people live longer than those who never do.

The researchers believe there are several factors — you can guilt adult children into caring for you, older adults may live healthier lives to beat their grandchildren when their kids aren’t looking. Personally, we think childless older people are more likely to fall off their jetskis or flip their dune buggies. You know, the ones they can afford when they retire because they didn’t pay for tuition, karate gis and dowries.

Researchers also noted that when people who live longer with children are asked about that time, they agree that life does feel longer and “like, an eternity since they pooped with the door closed.”

May you live to an uncomfortable 115

The only upside to living past 85 is a guaranteed spot in any Ken Burns documentary.
The only upside to living past 85 is a guaranteed spot in any Ken Burns documentary as a living witness.

Based on an analysis of previous and the current generation, scientists now believe that 115 years may be the upper limit of how far we can age until everything just shuts the f*ck down. Sure, there might be one or two every couple of generations who make it past 120, but it’s so unlikely that “you’d have to scour 10,000 planet Earths to find just one 125-year-old.”

Skeptics of the research, however, note that we previously thought that 65, then 85, and then 105 were the longest the average person could possibly live. So, how do we know 115 is the definite limit this time, right?

The answer: maybe it’s not. Maybe we’ll continue to extend life long past it was supposed to end, filling project housing with unwashed Cryptkeepers in their early one-teens and -twenties. Because, while the number of years continues to go up past 65, are they even worth it? Or did our predecessors know something we didn’t about holding on past continence and mobility? All that smoking, drinking, fighting and bacon grease couldn’t have been for nothing.

The jerks will inherit the earth

You are a ... Cold Fish ... and you have ... 6 ... weeks ... to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice ... 6 ... weeks.
You are a … Cold Fish … and you have … 6weeks … to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice … 6weeks.

There are a lot of expensive, invasive tests to determine how much time you have left on Earth. But there are also cheap, non-invasive ways that have nearly the same results, like the Sit-to-Stand Mortality Test. (By seeing how long and how many limbs it takes to help you stand, doctors can calculate how far along you are in the line to Mr. Death’s Wild Ride. Being unable to do it at all is pretty much Fast Pass.)

But an even simpler way is to test your grip. The stronger your grip strength, the longer you will survive cardiovascular disease, cancer, falls, fractures and respiratory illnesses. It won’t prevent those things (well, maybe a stronger grip will keep you from falling), but it paints a simple portrait of how much strength you have to endure and recover.

Of course, this test will only work until people start gaming the system by only working their wrists out. And the research still isn’t in on the Pornhub Workout.

Are you a bad enough dude to live?

Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.
Women may regenerate microlives faster, but men can jump higher.

Remember waaay back to Monday, when some crazy physicist suggested that our entire universe could be a simulation created by our evolutionary descendents to study us, sort of like a Sim Jurassic Park but for grandpas? Turns out Dr. Bostrom was close: we live in a video game.

Dr. David Spiegelhalter, a statistician at the University of Cambridge, authored a study on the impact of food and lifestyle choices on human life expectancy:

Calculating that the average life spans about 80 years, he divided that time up for adults 35 and older into nearly a million half hours, and assigned each 30 minute period to be 1 microlife. Each microlife is about one millionth of life expectancy after age 35. He then assessed how unhealthy eating habits would impact a person’s total microlives.

If you, Average Human, start out with 1,401,600 microlives that begin ticking down immediately at your spawn point, then you can slow this down or even regain microlives by, say, eating a salad a day or exercising. Meanwhile, smoking will take away 10 microlives for every pack smoked.

Even gender affects your microlife count. Women regain 4 microlives a day compared to men, which explains why men are more affected by our mid-live crises: we’re desperately seeking a savepoint.

There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

Paging Dr. Obvious, paging Dr. Obvious

Sharks: the scourge of our next generation.A New England Journal of Medicine study is blowing the roof off of the house that is everything we understand about medical science.

Now that smoking rates are down, everyone should be healthier, right? That’s what we always heard.

However, the obesity rate is still rising. So, while lower smoking rates raised the average life expectancy for current 18-year-olds by 0.31 years, obesity lowered it back down 1.02 years.

So, after all that quitting, we finally learned that if (a) one thing doesn’t kill you, (b) something else will.

Also, maybe you were better off smoking?