Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

‘Aloha, mahalo for all the fish’

There are many foes to humanity in the War on Animals. Some are more obvious than others. While the hedgehog has quills that disperse the most virulent strain of AIDS in nature (citation pending), people still think they make cute pets.

But, there’s no question when it comes to sharks. It should go without saying that sharks are one of man’s oldest enemies. Why, if you open their stomachs, you’ll find SCUBA tanks inside. That’s right: they don’t even bother to outright eat humans, just take our air and leave us to drown.

So, why does Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle love sharks?