Tag: Lindsay Lohan

You Missed It: Gay old time edition

The Bible also says it's cool to take a mistress if your wife is barren. Though it's silent on Harry Potter characters.
The Bible also says it’s OK to knock up your mistress.

You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.

Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.

So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.

And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?

Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Machete’

While political movies projecting a serious tone around themes like war tend to drive audiences away from US theaters faster than rumors of a bedbug invasion, when heavy subject matter is laced with light laughs it’s an entirely different story. So even though Machete is just about incendiary enough to incite an all out border war around the current hot topic of immigration, spicing up the proceedings with devilish humor keeps the feverish temperature moderated more at playful than provocative levels.

Troublemaker Studio’s bay boy director Robert Rodriguez, who last shook up movie screens with Grindhouse and Sin City, returns with a vengeance with the bullet riddled, stylishly defiant slice ’em up action satire, Machete. Get even bilingual guerrilla warfare meets guerrilla filmmaking, as wickedly dark screen insanity fuels US north of the border revolutionary beatdown. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Machete’

Eat My Sports: Bring it, Madden

I am challenging John Maddden. No, not to a game of Scrabble, or a game of who can drop “boom” more times in a five minute conversation. No kids, this year, we here at SG are challenging the video game, to see how they can handle us.

Playing as your favorite team gets lame after a while, Bryan McBournie himself has even admitted to there being a limit as to how much he can take of Tom Brady’s digital butt. So you need to kick it up a notch, give the game a little spark. You need to create a team of you and your friends as “create-a-players” with perfect ratings, and see if Madden has the cajones to keep up with you.

McBournie and I are masters of this. Throughout college we perfected the QB/RB combo by designing a shotgun offense that allowed my golden arm and toned legs to plow through any defense like Lindsay Lohan and Misha Barton tag-teaming a 10-lb eight ball. This year however, SG will take on Madden. And we will keep you posted of the results, but before we update you every week. Here is our lineup, as we will make the Detroit Lions a playoff team. Why Detroit? We told you already, we like the shotgun. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Bring it, Madden

MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

I Know Who Killed Me feels like a deliberate exercise in cinematic ineptitude. When movies are released theatrically, they carry with them an obligation to at least appear professional and possess some kind of virtue to entice the audience. With its amateur presentation, “I Know” is better suited as a direct-to-DVD release, or perhaps as a midnight movie on the USA Network back in the early 90’s. It shouldn’t have been made this way at all. Many times, it’s been said about some movies by other people that “pornos have better plots.” I don’t know about better plots, but in regards to this movie, perhaps higher standards.

Given Lindsay Lohan’s colorful public behavior and continuing legal difficulties, playing a stripper with a crackhead mom might not have been the best way to distract from her tabloid image. Fortunately, in the attempted psychological thriller I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan also plays a wealthy college student who writes fiction, excels at the piano and refuses to sleep with her boyfriend. That’s all right, then. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

If a teenybopper is insulted on Sirius …

Jamie Foxx issued a bizarre apology to Miley Cyrus on Jay Leno last night for comments he made about her last weekend. The apology caught most of the free world — and probably Cyrus — off guard because they were made on his Sirius satellite radio show, The Foxxhole.

Note to Sterling, Virginia readers:
The Foxxhole is not to be confused with gay porn star/former high school wrestling coach Ty Fox’s Lair. But it sounds remarkably similar to be sure. (See you at the reunion, PVHS Class of 1999!)

Jamie Kentucky, also a Part-Time Pop StarThe In Living Color alumnus apologized for a joke where he suggested Cyrus “get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat.”

Foxx was forced to remind Leno’s audience that, when not winning Oscars as physically- or mentally-impaired black musicians, he is a comedian and will occassionally say things he doesn’t mean, like make fun of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan by advising Cyrus to act like them.

(Yeah, if you learned comedy from the Wayans, you might be confused about punchlines and targets, too.)

He also added, “Had I known Miley is — in fact — Hannah Montana, singing superstar, I never would have made that joke in the first place.”

Behind the eight-ball

Maybe she should have sent one of those STD e-cards.At least that’s what our early frontrunner for our headline of the day alludes too. Welcome back to the spotlight, Lindsay Lohan. The Mean Girls star is getting tag-teamed by three guys … in a court of law. It appears as if our powdered nose actress “commandeered” an SUV and held three people captive while going on quite an adventure.

Headlines not used:
-Lindsay Lohan beating off three guys, legally
-Speed kills
-Three men and a crack whore

Take it from Snee: Why does Hollywood have a closet?

As a junkie for hard-hitting, earth-shattering news, I was floored yesterday.

There are drama queens who think they are floored, and then there was me: F-L-O-O-R-E-D. “Floo” and “red.” Julie came home to find me a quivering ball of twisted manflesh, unable to lift a hand from the office carpet. For lack of a better modifier, I was f–king floored.

What had me in such a gravity-conscience predicament? Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan came out of the closet. On the same day.

No, not with each other. Straight people don’t live in closets. Aside from the occasional pantry-dweller, us breeders live in rooms.

Fortunately, yesterday’s news was enough to raise one nagging question, which in turn got me off the floor and back to the keyboard: why is there still a closet in Hollywood? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Why does Hollywood have a closet?

Sean Young shows young starlets how to get it done

Not to be outdone by Hollywood’s current stable of floozies, Sean Young recently took it upon herself to show Paris, Britney and Lindsay how to really make a drunken spectacle.

Ms. Young kicked it Olde Schoole by taunting a winning director at the Directors Guild of America Awards, unlike the current, lazier generation that gets drunk and stupid at clubs. Bascially, that’s like going down in Sunday mass as opposed to holding an orgy in a whorehouse.

Ms. Young has now trumped them again by entering rehab before an unseemly arrest. The word on the street is that she will go through it only once this year, proving that classy ladies are housebroken after one accident.

Take note, little princesses. You just got served by the Queen.