We’re about to run out of tequila

Folks, we don’t want to alarm you, but if your weekend plans include drinking a margarita, make sure you enjoy it, because you may not get to have another one for a while. There’s a tequila shortage coming.

Just in time for Spring Break, the tequila industry in Mexico is having trouble keeping up with demand, as well as a supply crunch. Agave prices are six times higher than they were just two years ago. On top of that, the demand for tequila keeps going up. That means that distillers aren’t making the money they used to, and they don’t have enough agave plants to work with.

It’s so bad that some farmers have been forced to sell agave plants that aren’t fully mature and don’t produce as much tequila. That makes the supply shortage even worse.

And because agave plants take years to grow, it’s not likely that supply will catch up to demand any time soon. There’s always whiskey though.

Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

A drink to celebrate an arrival, or forget on departure

Flying sucks, and Las Vegas knows that. Unfortunately, unless you live in the southwest (and really, who does?), you have to fly to get there and back to where you call home.

MacCarran International Airport in Las Vegas already has slot machines in it, but it’s time to up the ante once again. They are considering putting a liquor store in it. This isn’t the duty-free kind of shop thing, we’re talking full on liquor store.

It’s time to fly high.

Driiiinks in spaaaaaace

You’ve tried every beer. You are tired of hearing the same old thing from beer merchants trying to sell you something that will taste better and get you more buzzed than ever. You just might be chasing the beer dragon. Fear not, bored boozer! Japan has come up with something that raises the bar several miles up: space beer.

Sapporo Breweries Ltd. has grown barley from grains that were taken into space and is using them for its new experimental beer. This is much like having a conversation with an astronaut’s son, it puts you less than three degrees away from space.

In other hammered happenings, the Anglo-commies have banned booze on London’s subway system, the Tube. Before the ban took effect on Sunday, English people held a system-wide party Saturday night drinking whatever they felt like bringing with them.

This is the latest assault on transportation-related multitasking. A similar ban is already in effect on drinking in car. However, it is still legal to drink while floating around on an umbrella.

It’s April 7 somewhere

Stop whatever you are doing and have a drink.

Good. Now that you have done that, we will tell you why. Seventy-five years ago today, the Volstead Act, better known as prohibition, was nearly torn down in a single swig, when 3.2 percent alcohol beer was allowed to be legally made and consumed again. Granted, it was not exactly strong beer, but hey, booze is booze.

The stronger beer meant we were one step closer to vanquishing the self-made demon known as prohibition, which was enough to drive a man to drink in the first place. To celebrate, at the broke of midnight April 7, 1933, Anheuser-Busch threw a party it called New Beer’s Eve.

It was only a matter of time, before freedom once again rang across the nation, and Lady Liberty could legally belly up to the bar.

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

You ate the worm? So what?

Worms, scorpions and other tiny animals are often found at the bottom of liquor bottles. One animal you can cross off that list is the rattlesnake.

A rancher in Texas was recently arrested after he had begun selling bottles of vodka with rattlesnakes inside them. The idea had been pretty profitable for him because he sold it as an “ancient Asian elixir.” Bayou Bob Popplewell was arrested and charged with selling alcohol beverages without a license. It could mean a year in jail and $1,000 fine.

Not only was this man selling booze to people who need a nip, but he managed to incorporate the genocide of rattlesnakes into the process. He should be praised, not arrested. FREE BAYOU BOB!

How To: Stay healthy

Remember lunch time as kid, when your parents would tell you to eat the crust of your sandwich, because it was “good for your teeth?” Or how about when they told you an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or the so-called experts, who can’t decide if eggs are good or bad for you? What a bunch of crap you’ve been fed all your life.

Now it’s time to set the record straight. Here are some simple tips to help you stay healthy and save money from expensive visits to the doctor’s office. Here’s how to stay healthy. Continue reading How To: Stay healthy

The drink giveth, the drink taketh away

Remember those tornadoes that ripped through the South earlier this week, and how our own Rick Snee whined about nearly being killed by one? Turns out, if he really was scared for his life, all he had to do was start drinking the nearest bottle.

That’s exactly what one Tennessee man did. James Kruger was up late watching the Super Tuesday results on television when he saw a tornado warning for his county. Among his other preparations, he took a shot of whiskey. As soon as he took the shot, the tornado hit his house. He hit the ground and prayed for his life.

“Lying there, everything in the house flew over him, scraping and banging his back, Kruger said. Then the chaos stopped. ‘I was laying in the dirt. There was no floor. No nothing.'”

That’s right, there was no nothing left but Kruger and his buzz. Why was he saved? Most likely, because of the drink. Alcohol has been known to have strange powers over otherwise physical realities. It has the ability to play with the time-space continuum, prompting many philosophers to ask, “How the hell did I make it back here last night?” and “wasn’t she prettier when I was drunk?”

However, alcohol even has the power to inspire the evil genius inside us all. The drink inspired one man to threaten to blow up the city of Brisbane, Australia. The obviously inebriated man had a standoff with elite police units ranting about, amongst other things, that he had a device to trigger bombs all over the city.

That device? A television remote control.

State of the Sops

We begin this post with some very sad news from abroad. German beer sales are at their lowest in the past 15 years. Analysts are saying this means the German population is losing touch with its proud, beer-drinking culture. However, this blog suspects the Germans are merely busy preparing for other things. This blog suggests building and then tearing down a new Berlin Wall, so the Krauts have something to celebrate.

Now let’s head over to the States, where American drunkards refuse to let their need to bend an elbow get in the way of being responsible. A Wisconsin 911 operator, who no doubt is used to getting all kinds of unusual phone calls, got one that sets a new standard in drunken whoopsies: a drunk dial. A woman drunk dialed 911 saying she was took intoxicated to be driving. She said this as she drove along in her truck. Wonder how the cops knew to look for her?

“The woman’s boyfriend in the passenger seat suggested she call 911 to report her own drunken driving, so she did, Nehls said. The boyfriend was not driving, she said, because he was too drunk.”

Continue reading State of the Sops