It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.
The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.
Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.
There is a land, a magical land, where your favorite booze is twice as strong as it used to be. And for a short time, that wonderful land was Canada.
The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it is recalling 1.14 liter bottles (Really? 1.14 liters?) of Bombay Sapphire gin because it’s a higher proof than what the label says. It’s supposed to be 80 proof, but the bottles in question are more like 154 proof because they weren’t diluted properly. This means that unless they are foolish enough to return their treasures, some lucky Canadians are going to really enjoy the NHL playoffs.
Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.
Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.
The Guys all live in Virginia, which is supposed to be hit with a big snow storm over the weekend. You know that we have all taken the proper precautions to ensure our safety, but you may not realize how much of an effect we have on our fellow Virginians.
In getting ready for the storm, people have been stocking up on the essentials, namely, liquor. Stores throughout the state, especially in Richmond, are selling out of hooch because so many people are stocking up for the weekend blizzard.
We’re thrilled to have inspired so many people. We all stocked up earlier this week, and don’t plan on being without a drink in hand until Monday morning at the earliest.
We have long awaited this day. Every boozer that has ever lived has dreamed of seeing it happen. The Guys want to salute North Korea for inventing a liquor that doesn’t give you a hangover.
Sure, North Korea may have lied about successfully testing a hydrogen bomb recently. And we’re still waiting on proof that they invented a single drug that cures AIDS, Ebola, MERS and SARS, but it seems like we should trust them on this one. According to state-controlled media reports, a ginseng-based liquor has been made with scorched, glutinous rice instead of sugar, which is supposed to eliminate hangovers. The drink was called by North Korea media as “suave,” which should go to show that someone needs to pay their English translators better.
Hopefully Kim Jong-Un will send us a case for our review, until then, we’ll have to take his word for it.
When you buy a bottle of something, you expect to get what the label says is in the bottle. Only the lowest forms of life would defraud at thirsty sot.
In Backpool, England, a man has been charged with selling fake liquor. To be fair, he was selling it in a designated area in town where there are slot machines, so people probably knew it wasn’t on the up-and-up in the first place. However, according to authorities, the man sold sealed bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and Smirnoff vodka that were actually filled with water. Worse yet, the bottles of Jack contained human urine and feces, probably for color.
But let’s be clear, the most heinous crime of all is selling fake hootch. Do they still draw and quarter people over there?
When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.
Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.
The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.
The drink in your hand says a lot about you, provided it’s not beer. According to a new study, the type of liquor or wine you drink may not only tell about your political leanings, but how likely you are to vote.
National Media Planning and Placement released a chart of based on consumer data that connects how likely a drinker of a certain brand of wine or liquor is to vote, and how likely that drinker is to vote Democratic or Republican. Who’s ready for some fun observations about this fun, but mostly useless data?
Captain Morgan (spiced) is the drink of the moderate but unenthused, while Barardi drinkers are just as moderate, but more likely to stagger over to the polls.
People who are likely to vote seem to agree that wine is for them, but only freedom-hating left-wingers drink Smoking Loon, while conservatives sip Robert Mondavi as they reload their guns.
Conservative voters like whiskey, bourbon and scotch, while liberals like vodka and gin.
If you drink tequila, whether Democrat or Republican, your inability to stand makes it unlikely that you’re going to vote.
And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)
Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.