Eclipse watchers loading up on booze, weed

There’s a solar eclipse headed our way next month. It’s going to cut across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina. And like a full moon, it’s driving people crazy.

People are buying up hotel rooms and any other lodging accommodations they can to be in the path of the Aug. 21 solar eclipse. But they don’t want to just see it happen, the want to get loaded for it, too. In Oregon, locals are bracing for a rush of people coming to their area, and stores selling alcohol and marijuana are stocking up to meet their every need. The state liquor board predicts an 20 to 40% increase in sales, and some marijuana shops expect their sales to at least double.

So when the eclipse comes, it won’t just be the sun that’s blacked out.

Fighting whisky: Bottle found sealed in decommissioned warship

There’s nothing better in the world than found booze. You either find booze you forgot you had, or find booze that someone else lost track of. And it’s been mellowing the whole time.

A bottle of whisky was found on board an Australian warship, hidden away for 35 years–the bad news is that it’s Canadian whisky. The HMAS Sidney, a frigate in the Royal Australian Navy since 1982, is being decommissioned and torn apart. When it was being built in Seattle, crews placed a small bottle of MacNaughton Canadian Whisky inside a post on the ship. Since then it’s sailed around the world a couple times and no doubt fought off invasions from New Zealand.

When American workers who built the ship learned it was being torn apart, they notified authorities of the bottle’s location. So if Canadian whisky is your thing, go grab a sip of history.

World is drinking less, despite Guys’ best efforts

We can’t do this alone, people.

Global alcohol sales were down 1.3% last year, and no one knows why. The world economy has been improving, and global gross domestic product was up 3.1%, which should mean that people around the world have the cash to go boozing, but they just aren’t.

It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.

The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.

Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.

Canada apologizes, recalls high-proof gin for being too awesome

There is a land, a magical land, where your favorite booze is twice as strong as it used to be. And for a short time, that wonderful land was Canada.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it is recalling 1.14 liter bottles (Really? 1.14 liters?) of Bombay Sapphire gin because it’s a higher proof than what the label says. It’s supposed to be 80 proof, but the bottles in question are more like 154 proof because they weren’t diluted properly. This means that unless they are foolish enough to return their treasures, some lucky Canadians are going to really enjoy the NHL playoffs.

The Guys are already planning a road trip.

Science: Booze is booze is booze

If you see a difference between these drinks, you’re biased.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and whether that means you’re drinking wine with your lover, or pounding cheap whiskey mixed with tears because you’re alone, your body treats it all the same.

According to researchers, your body can’t tell the difference between the alcohol in one drink from another. Which means if tequila makes your clothes fall off, the same amount of alcohol from hard cider will, too. The real factor is how much alcohol is in your drink, and how much alcohol is going into your system.

So don’t worry about buying the good stuff. Once it’s past your tongue, your body doesn’t know if it’s rotgut or septuple-distilled vodka.

 

Finally, a gin that makes you look younger

Alright kid, you've had enough for tonight.
Alright kid, you’ve had enough for tonight.

Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.

Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.

Like most other shady sounding beverages we feature, Anti-aGin is only available in the U.K. Write your congressman today and tell them you want to drink from the fountain of youth.

Virginia goes on a bender

Thanks, Nature!
Thanks, Nature!

The Guys all live in Virginia, which is supposed to be hit with a big snow storm over the weekend. You know that we have all taken the proper precautions to ensure our safety, but you may not realize how much of an effect we have on our fellow Virginians.

In getting ready for the storm, people have been stocking up on the essentials, namely, liquor. Stores throughout the state, especially in Richmond, are selling out of hooch because so many people are stocking up for the weekend blizzard.

We’re thrilled to have inspired so many people. We all stocked up earlier this week, and don’t plan on being without a drink in hand until Monday morning at the earliest.

North Korea totally invented a hangover-free liquor, you guys

We have long awaited this day. Every boozer that has ever lived has dreamed of seeing it happen. The Guys want to salute North Korea for inventing a liquor that doesn’t give you a hangover.

Sure, North Korea may have lied about successfully testing a hydrogen bomb recently. And we’re still waiting on proof that they invented a single drug that cures AIDS, Ebola, MERS and SARS, but it seems like we should trust them on this one. According to state-controlled media reports, a ginseng-based liquor has been made with scorched, glutinous rice instead of sugar, which is supposed to eliminate hangovers. The drink was called by North Korea media as “suave,” which should go to show that someone needs to pay their English translators better.

Hopefully Kim Jong-Un will send us a case for our review, until then, we’ll have to take his word for it.

Prison is too good for him

When you buy a bottle of something, you expect to get what the label says is in the bottle. Only the lowest forms of life would defraud at thirsty sot.

In Backpool, England, a man has been charged with selling fake liquor. To be fair, he was selling it in a designated area in town where there are slot machines, so people probably knew it wasn’t on the up-and-up in the first place. However, according to authorities, the man sold sealed bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and Smirnoff vodka that were actually filled with water. Worse yet, the bottles of Jack contained human urine and feces, probably for color.

But let’s be clear, the most heinous crime of all is selling fake hootch. Do they still draw and quarter people over there?

Americans fail to medal in team liquor drinking

The year is only two months old, and we’ve got more bad news for the U.S. in the realm of international drinking. We already told you that India leads the world in whiskey drinking.

When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.

Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.

The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.