Always check your beer for lizards before drinking

It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.

A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.

Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.

Woman drinks low-carb beer with dead lizard in it

Here in America, we take it for granted that there aren’t dead animals sealed inside our beer bottles — until the craft beer movement decides that’s the next cool trend anyway. But if you go drinking in the land of New Zeals, make sure to look your drink over first.

A New Zealand woman reports that she found a dead lizard at the bottom of a beer she was enjoying over the weekend. She took to Facebook to complain that her Pure Blonde beer, an Australian low-carb brew, had a nasty surprise at the bottom. What’s worse than finding a dead lizard in your beer? Being forced to admit online that you drink low-carb beer, which tastes so bad that you couldn’t tell there was a dead animal soaking in it.

We’ll just stick with Zima, thanks.

New Zealand prime minister goes to the vet

Here in the U.S. we know that our elected officials aren’t good people, but at least we know they’re people. New Zealanders can’t always say the same.

John Key, the prime minister of New Zealand, had to confirm this week that he is not, in fact, a shapeshifting reptile person. No, really. A man filed a formal request under the country’s Official Information Act, which we assume is like our Freedom of Information Act, only there, they actually answer things, instead of giving you documents covered in redaction pen.

Key went to a doctor and a vet to confirm that he isn’t a lizard, all because some guy asked nicely. Can you imagine Barack Obama going to a vet? He’d sooner go to the gyno. And George W. Bush? He won’t tell you about the fact that he had breast reduction surgery in college (he did), you’ll have to wait until he dies to go through his medical records. Decades!

All in all, Key’s non-reptileship is good news for his country and for himself. If he had actually been a reptile man, he would have had to fight William Shatner.

Attack of the cloned pitbulls (and dinosaur relatives)

We all remember back in 1997, when the Scottish cloned Dolly, The Sheep That Will Send Us All Into A Moral Abyss. But since then, aside from a few cloned things here and there, we have been fairly safe in terms of force multipliers. No more.

An American woman had DNA from her pitbull dog Booger used to make a litter of clones in South Korea. Great, just what the world needs, more pitbulls. Only these pitbulls are super pitbulls because they are all identical and probably share the same thoughts through a psychic connection.

This is horrible news. As Bob Barker likes to remind us any time we sit down with him, there are way too many pets in the world as it is. They breed like vermin because they basically are, so who are we to decide which ones get to be copied and which ones eat out of the dumpster? We need to solve this problem by eliminating them all before they grow out of hand.

Speaking of multiplying, a rare lizard in New Zealand is still at it after 110 years. He is going to become a father. The geezer lizard did not like females for years until scientist found a tumor near his genitals and removed it. Now it seems he is back in action as an eligible bachelor. This species is rare and we need to keep it that way. Who wants an omlette?