Always check your beer for lizards before drinking

It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.

A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.

Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were¬†even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!