London’s fatberg going on display at museum

A month ago, we told you about a massive fatberg in London clogging up the sewer system. It weighed some 140 tons and stretched more than 800 feet long. It took nine weeks to clear. If you read that story and thought, “I wish I could pay to see that,” we have good news for you.

A chunk of that mass of hardened fat, diapers and nasty solids British people apparently think are OK to flush, will be on display at the Museum of London sometime next year. Because this is what British culture can bring us now. A museum curator said the fatberg “will be one of the most fascinating and disgusting objects we have ever had on display.” That is a real quote.

So if you’ve been on the fence about traveling to the U.K. Consider your mind made up.

London sewer blockage cleared after 9 weeks

The citizens of London can breathe easier now that a massive blockage has been removed from city’s sewer system.

It took crews nine weeks to clear out the blockage, which was over 800 feet long. The blockage, affectionately called a “fatberg,” was a mostly solid mass of fat, diapers, wipes and other gross stuff that probably isn’t supposed to be flushed or sent down the drain. Workers used jets of water and even dug it out manually.

There’s no doubt the weary workers have some horror stories to tell. Let’s hope they’re getting a knighthood for their living nightmare.

Crocodile invasion of London fake — this time

Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.

A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.

It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.

UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Japanese nude restaurant: No fatties

The latest restaurant trend is nude dining. A London restaurant recently made headlines when it opened because its patrons are expected to dine completely naked. This trend is sweeping the world.

The next stop is Japan, where the idea of the nude restaurant has been improved upon. To ensure that no one loses their appetite, The Amrita will introduce a “no fatties” policy. Anyone found to be overweight will not be allowed to dine in the establishment.

The Amrita opens in late July, and in a rare display of taste by the Japanese people, patrons must be at least 18 to get a seat there. We can only hope the menu is tentacle-themed.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

British mail takes hard line on cats

Not a person.
Not a person.

Cats are everywhere on the internet. We lost a lot of ground to them early on in the War on Animals, and your girlfriend isn’t making it any easier for us to gain it back. Luckily, the British have no time for the nonsense that cats bring in real life.

In London, the mail service has refused to deliver an advent calendar because it’s addressed to a cat, which doesn’t have a valid ID. Yes, once again, animals are trying to wreck our highest of high holy holidays by taking over the fun. The Crown refuses to let that happen. Here in the U.S., the cat would probably be issued a driver’s license and social security card by our inept bureaucracy.

Between this and the beer tree, we’re thinking that London does Christmas right.

A tree pours beer in London

Some holiday magic landed in London last Friday. The bad news is that the holiday cheer is already dried up.

Carlsberg, a brand of beer you’ve probably seen on soccer jerseys, set up a Christmas tree along the Thames River in London on Friday. This wasn’t just any Christmas tree, it came with a gift for everyone: the gift of free beer. For seven hours, Londoners got to drink free beer. We can only assume that this led to other holiday traditions in England, such as throwing up in the street and getting into fistfights.

Here’s hoping for the Christmas miracle to make it here to the U.S.

Spiders seize town in Argentina

Proving that they can dominate summer headlines, too, spiders have started taking over towns.

In Argentina, one town has been covered in what locals call the “slime of the devil.” It’s a blanket of spider web that covers a large area and is only growing. Apparently a horde of spiders have descended on the town and are likely controlling it now. And they’re not alone. Spiders in London took over an intersection earlier this month.

This could be the most coordinated assault we’ve ever seen from the eight-legged monsters.