UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Japanese nude restaurant: No fatties

The latest restaurant trend is nude dining. A London restaurant recently made headlines when it opened because its patrons are expected to dine completely naked. This trend is sweeping the world.

The next stop is Japan, where the idea of the nude restaurant has been improved upon. To ensure that no one loses their appetite, The Amrita will introduce a “no fatties” policy. Anyone found to be overweight will not be allowed to dine in the establishment.

The Amrita opens in late July, and in a rare display of taste by the Japanese people, patrons must be at least 18 to get a seat there. We can only hope the menu is tentacle-themed.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

British mail takes hard line on cats

Not a person.
Not a person.

Cats are everywhere on the internet. We lost a lot of ground to them early on in the War on Animals, and your girlfriend isn’t making it any easier for us to gain it back. Luckily, the British have no time for the nonsense that cats bring in real life.

In London, the mail service has refused to deliver an advent calendar because it’s addressed to a cat, which doesn’t have a valid ID. Yes, once again, animals are trying to wreck our highest of high holy holidays by taking over the fun. The Crown refuses to let that happen. Here in the U.S., the cat would probably be issued a driver’s license and social security card by our inept bureaucracy.

Between this and the beer tree, we’re thinking that London does Christmas right.

A tree pours beer in London

Some holiday magic landed in London last Friday. The bad news is that the holiday cheer is already dried up.

Carlsberg, a brand of beer you’ve probably seen on soccer jerseys, set up a Christmas tree along the Thames River in London on Friday. This wasn’t just any Christmas tree, it came with a gift for everyone: the gift of free beer. For seven hours, Londoners got to drink free beer. We can only assume that this led to other holiday traditions in England, such as throwing up in the street and getting into fistfights.

Here’s hoping for the Christmas miracle to make it here to the U.S.

Spiders seize town in Argentina

Proving that they can dominate summer headlines, too, spiders have started taking over towns.

In Argentina, one town has been covered in what locals call the “slime of the devil.” It’s a blanket of spider web that covers a large area and is only growing. Apparently a horde of spiders have descended on the town and are likely controlling it now. And they’re not alone. Spiders in London took over an intersection earlier this month.

This could be the most coordinated assault we’ve ever seen from the eight-legged monsters.

Drunkards in the mist

Improper lifting can lead to injury.
Improper lifting can lead to injury.

What’s the worst part about drinking? Having to move the glass to your lips and pour your drink down your throat, then putting the glass back down. What a hassle! One London bar is putting a stop to it.

When you walk into Alcoholic Architecture, you don’t drink at all. You just sit there and absorb the booze through your skin and lungs. The pub sprays a mist of gin and tonic (it’s England) into the air. That way, you don’t need to wait for the liquor to work its way through your digestive system–who wants to wait 20 minutes, anyway? Instead, it gets pumped directly into your system.

The place is considered a pop-up bar, probably because it will get shut down soon.

Animals and their human allies ruin a London bar

If you’re in London this month, you’re probably excited about Annie the Owl, a pop up bar that will be open for only one week. You are also probably a crazy person.

The draw of the bar is that you get to drink with owls. For those of you who don’t know, owls are huge, scary birds that can see you in the dark, and have long talons that could slice you up in a fraction of a second. A place filled with these flying death machines seems like a good place to drink, doesn’t it?

Now, the bar has cut the service of all alcohol in response to concerns from animal rights groups. So you can’t even enjoy the bar for the reason you’re there: to get drunk.

London sewers may not be able to handle the holiday traffic

When it comes to the holidays, Americans aren’t the only ones who gorge themselves. In fact, our former mother country tops us in it, so much so that they clog not just toilets, but sewers.

Every Christmas, or whatever they call it over there, the London sewer system gets even more clogged than usual with what can only be described as “fatbergs.” Everything remotely solid that Londoners flush or send down the drains daily, from fat left over from cooking, to wipes, to solid waste, congeals and causes sewers to slow down, even threatening them from over flowing. And it gets worse around the holidays.

Now try watching Love Actually.

A tale of two thieves

It was the best of crimes, it was the worst of crimes.

Over the pond, in the merry old land of Blighty, quite the villain has surfaced. Seemingly blessed with super powers or perhaps touched by an evil magic enchantment (hey, we don’t know what’s going on in the land of Alan Moore), a man was able to rob a shopkeeper via hypnotism. After putting the owner in the hands of his mystical prowess, the thief proceeded to rifle through his pockets, eventually discovering and then running off with the day’s earnings. And there’s video proof of the incident so there’s no way whatsoever that this couldn’t be a well-acted hoax!

Hopefully, this brigand stays over in his country, but if he does make his way across the ocean, we can only hope that he comes to New Haven, Connecticut. There, a robber attempted to relieve a convenience mart of its troublesome amount of money; however, the clerk working there was having none of it. He proceeded to shame the thief out of robbing the store. Despite facing an armed individual, he relied only on his words to solve the situation … and he was successful.

Unstoppable force, meet immovable object.