You Missed It: Concentrated Orange Juice Edition

Your normal YMI is being interrupted by the one, the only, Chugs! Yes, Bryan McBournie is off this week but still on assignment, deep in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Yemen.

We don’t know why either. The last we saw him, he was muttering something knowing that part of the name of the country is misspelled and he’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Regardless, if your wife was busy withholding your tax returns, odds are you missed it.

Never trust a drop-out

Investors unclicked the Like button for Facebook stock this week as it saw a plummeting drop. The fall saw the stock now sitting at below 20 dollars a share. Confidence in the offering is now at an all-time low, though it’s been spun that now 2 billion shares will be eligible for trading in almost the next year. When questioned about whether they had anything to do with this, the creators of Friendster thumbed their noses and blamed it on Tom.

Not so anonymous now, are you?

Julian Assange has now been spotted! And now he’s gone! No wait, he’s there! And by there, we mean the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Ecuador has decided to grant asylum to Assange, the noted person on the run behind the WikiLeaks scandal. Remember, this moment, because when someone asks you where you were when this happened, you’ll be able to respond “Sure, but where’s Ecuador?”

Now. You. See. Me. Now. You. Don’t.

Researchers at Harvard have managed to create a robot that can blend in with its surroundings. Basing this technique on squid, octopi, cuttlefish and the Muppet Babies version of Gonzo, the ro-butt also has a flexible body and can change the color of its body like a cheap novelty mug. Has anyone decided to look into maybe nuking Harvard for the sake of humanity?

Do not distribute unlicensed scumbags

There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!

Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.

But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.

Very bad badminton, indeed

The world of badminton is caught up in an Olympic scandal: players intentionally tanking games for easier playoff matches. Eight women in all have been disqualified from the 2012 London Games after very obviously underplaying, including teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia.

The scandal reached a head when both teams in a match were actively trying to lose, with the South Koreans and Chinese each hoping to outlast the other with net serve after net serve and wide returning shots. The longest volley of the entire match — which can last up to three games — was four volleys. China eventually lost the first two matches, so that means they won?

The takeaway from this story, we guess, is that even lady athletes can act like a bag of shuttlecocks.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this story to our attention!]

When I think of the Summer Olympics, I think of precipitation

Despite how insanely absurd this sounds, I swear to you, it’s not a joke.

The opening ceremony for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London will most definitely have a forecast of rain-and it’s not just expected, it’s purposely planned.

Danny Boyle, director of many incredibly somber but fantastic movies, has been put in charge of the opening ceremony. He plans to show off London in all her rain soaked glory. There is no other chance of that happening, not because it’s always raining in London (it almost always is), but because Boyle will have the clouds seeded beforehand to insure it. The thought is that by showing real rain, coupled with live farm animals, spectators there and the audience watching at home will be able to understand and see firsthand just what life is like in the British Isles.

This is a spectacularly dumb idea.

It’s raining, it’s pouring, nobody’s snoring but England will probably continue its streak of not winning a gold medal in anything that matters.


Teaching about discrimination at more than 47 grand a lesson

Gender discrimination, sadly, exists in our world. You may not witness it, as you’re a capable, intelligent and responsible man, but for women around the world, as horrible, uncouth and lazy unlucky they might be, they have to see it every single day.

But no more in the United Kingdom! And by United Kingdom, I mean England. And by England, I mean London. And by London, I mean a solitary bus stop.

The children’s charity Plan UK has put up an advertisement at a bus stop that, using technology, only shows a 40 second video to women. But not to men! The technology involved is a camera that measure the facial features of passer-byes, activating only for people that are sans-penis.

Perhaps it’s because of the testosterone in me, but I’m having a few problems figuring out something that discriminates people will impart the lesson of why not to discriminate.

“It’s called dedication. Not that YOU would know anything about that.”

All of you are familiar with the fight or flight concept, right? Personally, I’m a flight-type of guy, but not everyone is. Rick Snee Some people like to put up their dukes like they’re the spitting image of Notre Dame’s mascot. Some people, like me, like to take off as if they were competing against The Flash and Jesse Owens in a track match for omnipotence.

Convicted sex offender Paul Reid is similar to me in that regard. After giving evidence in his trial, Reid slipped his handcuffs and took off. Not one for tomfoolery, malarkey and other such nonsense, Judge Douglas Mark Moore did the only sensible thing a judge should do in the situation: he rugby-tackled Reid down to the ground.

“As he went through the door his honour Judge Marks Moore grabbed him round the throat to try to bring him down.” After falling down three steps together Reid broke free but the judge gave chase. As Reid was about to open a push-handle fire door, Judge Moore rugby-tackled him around the waist and brought him crashing to the ground, landing on top of him.

Look, I don’t know about you, but that’s my anti-crime deterrent.

Justice … to go

After a month of terror, Britain’s long national nightmare is finally over.

The Fine Dining Dasher has been caught and will finally pay for his grand food larceny!

All told, Janis Nords has amassed 2325 pounds … on three unpaid dinner bills, which according to our American math equals $300 quadrillion. No one is quite sure how he managed to run after a 1000-pound French meal, but it probably lead to his eventual surrender to authorities.

Doubloons be sparrrse across th’ Seven Seas

Due to the overindulgence of a few landlubber thieves on Wall Street, times be tough for Buccaneer-Americans of all shapes and sizes. But we be not the only ones keeping an extra eye on the treasure chest these days: the Brits and the Russians are lacking in the booty department.

In fancy-pantaloons England, parents no longer give their younger crewmates their fair share of the loot! Average pocket money for the little hearties fell from 6.24 pounds a week in 2009 to 5.89. 5.89!? How much grog can you get for a lousy 5.89? Certainly not enough for fresh, pink lights and livers.

And in Russia, where pirates drink vodka with their limes, the local constabulary’s shanghaied a debting lass’s Shar Peis! What’s next? Marooning malamutes? Lashing labradors? Keelhauling koolies? Wenching Welsh corgis?

Terminator 5: Rise of the Resistance to the Machines

When we started the War on Animals, we did so with a clear sense of purpose. Animals were mauling people left and right and stealing our expensively-hormone-injected crops and livestock.

Robots, which can only be considered animals in some Transformer units, have been on our to-do list for a while. The problem was that we needed a Pearl Harbor moment; otherwise, we’d just look like dicks if we declared war on iPads.

Gentlemen (and warlike ladies): we have That Moment. Computer viruses are spreading into humans like monkey AIDS. To borrow the enemy’s binary language, it’s either us or not us (them).

We’d like to add that it’s not our fault that primates are sexy in a Billie Piper sort of way.

Muslim Scholar: Terrorists can go to hell

It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.