Tag: London

Muslim Scholar: Terrorists can go to hell

It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.

Still not a full-service hotel

If you’re like me, you hate it when you get into bed and it’s cold. Also, you don’t like to wait a minute or two for the bed to warm up and get comfortable. Also, you are so big a fan of the Earth that you don’t want to use a hot water bottle or electric blanket to warm up the bed.

Holiday Inn in London hears you! They have implemented a new human bed warmer policy at a few of their hotels in the city. And by human bed warmer, we mean, someone climbs into bed and uses their body heat to get it to 68 degrees Fahrenheit. We can only assume the bed warmer then gets out of the bed, so you can’t ask any other favors.

All you have to do is get over the creepiness of enjoying a stranger’s body warmth.

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!“

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

It’s OK to say no

Hey girls, we need to have a little chat. The Guys know what it’s like to be a teenager, we know it’s tough, and we also know you want to do anything for the boys to like you. We were the same way once–well, you know what we mean.

But it’s important for you to know that you shouldn’t hide a gun for a boy even though he asked you to. You don’t always have to say yes, especially when it comes to firearms. So, in review, have some self-respect. Don’t hide guns for a dude–unless he’s really cute.

London 2012, here we come!

We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada seal controversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).

In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.

So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!

Take it from Snee: Shepard Fairey is a hack

This may surprise you, but when it comes to art, I am a snob. By snob, of course, I mean that I have an appreciation of it that far surpasses your fascination with painted light and the sad Bible-screwing that this “light” portrays.

(Seriously, folks: just read your Bible. Don’t take it home, fornicate with it and tell me all about it later. It’s disrespectful to the Bible and the lewd details upset my sensitive Crom-worshipping morals.)

So, as a hyperaware art snob, or psnob, a certain work of art has not escaped my attention. Yes, I mean the Obama “Hope” image by Shepard Fairey. I ignored it for most of the election, but now it’s being hailed as a masterpiece. Some people are actually converting their own pictures into the red-white-and-blue style.

When Facebook and Twitter accounts are being wantonly defaced, I cannot stand by as this piece of “art” becomes a phenomenon. Shepard Fairey is a hack … but it’s not his fault because his competition, the real street artist, is a mother#%king ninja. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shepard Fairey is a hack

Silly capitalist whores

The brothel business is booming in London town, BOOMING, we say, and the competition is creating a price war where you can get unprotected sex for just £25. That’s like … $350 American or something, so that might be a pretty good deal. One warning though–your chance of getting an STD and/or a new spawn is over 9,000. So, you might want to factor that into your decision.

Adam Smith would be proud. He’d still be dead, mind you. Horribly, horribly dead, but so very, very proud of the lesson that he’s taught.

You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition

Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.

Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.

Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.

Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.

What’s that saying about ‘any publicity?’

SeriouslyGuys -- because you can't drink cosmos on the job.As part of this summer’s blockbuster movie fest, Sex and the City promises to be a rollicking good time for the entire family. In fact, The Guys often pretend we’re the Fab Four when drinking. We put on some strappy sandals, order nothing but cosmos and talk about all the sex we’ve had in the past week.

(McBournie insists that we call him Samantha. Schools, with his profound addiction to horserace betting, is our group’s Carrie.)

However, not everyone shares our excitement. New York’s Time Out magazine is protesting the movie because it premiered in London instead of NYC. They slapped the Sex girls hard — the way this blog understands they like it — by featuring them on the cover, but with the title of “No sex! Enough already — we love ’em, but it’s just too much.”

Just to recap: they’re protesting the movie with a Sex and the City-free issue by featuring the film’s stars on their cover. It’s obvious they haven’t read “Take it from Snee: Protest effectively or kindly go home.”

Amy Winehouse: Fun chick at a bar

Few singers have break out hits that are really about their personal lives, Amy Winehouse is one of those few. (For those of you who don’t know, her hit single is “Sweet Home Alabama.”) The English singer has been in and out and in and out of rehab, but now it appears she’s in trouble with the law once again.

Winehouse, whose name appears to be as booze-soaked as she was, took on two men in a barroom brawl in London recently. She allegedly hit one man who got in her way while she was playing pool and headbutted a “bloke” as he tried to hail her a cab–both grounds for suspected assault.

Oddly enough, alcohol may have been involved.