Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

Penises big on the ballot for Los Angeles

It’s a bigger matter than you think. Or depending on your search history, maybe not.

For our readers in Los Angeles, yesterday, you were able to take part in a decision that affects more of your financial situation than you know: putting the condom on the honker in the pron.

Measure B, the code name for the county ordinance that was voted on, was created in part due to the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and STD statistics for Los Angeles, of which porn actors there have more STD’s than Nevada (as in the entire state) prostitutes. Measure B could potentially prevent a lot of bumps being on someone’s noggin.

The ordinance doesn’t really affect The Guys, not because we live in Virginia, but because we like our porn with more heffalumps than what you usually find.

Rise up and, like, seize the day, man

Speaking of hippies, the City of Los Angeles wasn’t satisfied after putting condoms on adult film actors. (To be fair, few are.) Now, they’re looking to shut down medical marijuana dispensaries.

But the hardworking pot dispensarians aren’t going to take this sitting down. Well, after a couple of bong hits, sitting’s the only option. The point is, they’re not going to take it, and that means — you probably guessed it — unionizing.

We predict this will turn out like Newsies, only the music will be terrible … er. More terrible.

He should’ve ordered a chalupa

Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.

*Fun Fact:
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.

Cocaine is a helluva disease

I’ve heard from people both famous and not famous that getting high on cocaine is a fantastic high. Life feels amazing, you feel great and people look better. Sure, the come down is rough, but when the high is that great, what could make you want to not do the drug?

A flesh-eating disease would usually rank as one of the options, at least, I would think.

Said disease has begun appearing in outbreaks in New York and Los Angeles. It’s being reported that the cocaine is being mixed with levamisole, a drug normally used by vets to treat farm animals, and thanks to the skin-rotting effects of the drug, users are seeing their skin turn black with dying skin. Oh, and one last wonderful tidbit: over 80 percent of the country’s coke supply has the veterinarian drug in it. So there’s that.

Snort well, people.

It be a muuuuu-tiny aboard the waterless seas

People get nickeled and dimed left and right. This happens to everyone (seriously hotels? I have to pay a bed tax?), no matter who they are or what they do, and it’s never fun. As such, some of the offenders need to be aware that a revolution could be at hand.

They also might want to be aware that the revolution could come from their very own employees.

John Carney of CNBC was on a flight to Los Angeles. After being served a horrendously priced chicken sandwich, he was given a free beer. Awesome! Then he was given another free beer. Doubly awesome! And when a woman asked to buy a bottle of win, but it was given to her free of charge, that’s amazing! Factor in other passengers getting items gratis and you’ve got one nice flight.

It would appear that miniature or covert mutiny had been implemented by airline employees potentially tired of being yelled at by angry customers. It’s understandable. Is it against the law? Probably. But hey, just having a screaming baby to deal with rather than a screaming baby and a screaming old man is always the better of the two.

One box of nightmares, please

Have you made it all the way through the week without a case of the heebie-jeebies? Well, happy Friday, because the Germans are at it again.

By “it,” we mean mailing live tarantulas to the United States by the hundreds.

One box to Los Angeles contained 300 live tarantulas, another contained 250 and a third contained only 22, but they were endangered and ginger.

Seriously, Germany, what’s up?

We won’t go into 1938-1945. But, we were good and tired of David Hasselhoff when you sent him back to us with somehow higher self-esteem. And now you’re mailbombing us with spiders?

That’s it. You’re off our Christmas card list.

Schadenfreude: ‘She was asking for it’

There are many fine coffees in the world, many found in France, Switzerland and other countries with no extradition laws. The rest of us must settle for Dunkin’ Donuts.

Or, there’s also the ultimate pick-me-up: Schadenfreude.

Roman Polanski, who gets to enjoy those special international blends, recently spoke to the press about his unfinished sentence for drugging and having “unlawful intercourse” with a 13-year-old girl.

Polanski complained about the Los Angeles prosecutors’ who are using the case for publicity. (We’d use their names, but none of the news stories identified them.)

The Academy Award-winning director begged “only to be treated fairly like everyone else.” To which L.A. prosecutors replied, “We’re trying to.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

Last week I was scrolling through the channels because my cable box was having issues downloading program info. It was like being back in 1996. I had to scroll through the channels not pressing the page up/page down buttons, but the channel up/channel down ones instead.

I stopped at FX, because they are generally good to me, after all, they brought us the greatest show about Denis Leary’s stand-up world this side of The Job. But tonight’s fare was not quite at that level. Instead I got the last half hour of Snakes on a Plane. I know it was cool four years ago for blogs to be all excited about this movie, but really, it’s a second-rate action flick that’s never sure if it’s supposed to be sarcastic or not.

Naturally, I watched it.

I even got in in time for Samuel L. Jackson’s famous (if not edited) line: “That is it! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” Those of you who follow me on Twitter know where I’m going with this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.