Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

Man gets free sample of knuckle sandwich

Old people: they smell funny, they move slowly, they hate technology, and worst of all, they call people out for being jerks. It’s about time their uppance came.

Which is why today we celebrate the actions of Derrick Gharabighi, 24, who punched an old guy in the face. Gharabighi was enjoying multiple samples of Nutella at a Costco in the Los Angeles area, when Sahak Sahakian, 78, came along to ruin his day. The old guy reached for the last Nutella sample, Gharabighi grabbed his hand, and punched him in the eye when he protested.

Because all old people have glass jaws, Sahakian fell like a box of Nutella jars. Sadly, Gharabighi has been charged with elder abuse, further proof that special interest groups like senior citizens run the government.

Thanks, Brooke H.!

Machete kills, taco fills

Danny Trejo is bringing the most intimidating tacos to Los Angeles. So there’s that.

No, really. Infamous character actor Danny Trejo is opening a taco shop in L.A. Trejo’s Tacos will open later this month. Black leather seating found inside will represent the black leather pants that Trejo is known for wearing. Black Venetian plaster will apparently also represent the black leather pants that Trejo is known for wearing. Gnarled, threatening grimaces on the employees will represent the … well, not necessarily the black leather pants that Trejo is known for wearing, but definitely something that Trejo is known for wearing.

Name but not title? That’s messed up.

In a move that clearly won’t get your name and those belonging to other people in trouble or identified with crimes, a tattoo artist in her early 20’s has launched a Kickstarter project to have every space of her body covered with tattoos. You can even have your name added onto her leg for just ten dollars!

This feels like a move that devalues your name, tattoos, art and the paper that Alexander Hamilton is on.

Cobra-watch 2014

We don’t want to alarm anybody in California, especially those in the Los Angeles area, but a cobra is on the loose.


Despite the cobra being an albino (warning: autoplay) and thus notoriously weaker than humans except for the odd telekinetic power that they mysteriously gain, it’s still a cobra, and thus, pretty f*$^ing dangerous. As such, authorities have requested that citizens spotting the all white snake to stay away from it and contact 9-1-1. We also recommend confronting it with the cleansing power of fire … from afar.


Update: We got him.

Invite a stripper into your home and you’ll never get her out

Folks, never let a stripper into your home. No matter how cute they are, no matter how much they beg, ignore them. They’re not domesticated. That’s exactly what one family in Los Angeles is finding out the hard way.

Two years ago, the family rented out a room in their house to a 26-year-old woman named Sara Rogers. She said she was a student working at a local strip club, and that didn’t set off any alarm bells for some reason. After the first year, the homeowners say Sara had friends move in and got cats, but the worst part was “the screaming, the spanking, the moaning.” There was also no rent paid for six months. She refused to move out.

Rogers served the family with a cease and desist order for harassment and stalking, and she even changed the locks on her room. The family agreed to pay Rogers $4,000 to get her out of the house.

So that went well.

Wait a minute, that doesn’t look like Africa!

If there’s one thing the airlines hate about doing business, it’s the passengers. They insist on checking bags because they can’t shrink their clothes for major trips, they demand food and drink, and if they didn’t have legs, airlines could make more money by cramming more of them in. But worst of all, they demand unreasonable things like taking them to the correct city.

A married couple wanted to fly from Los Angeles to Dakar, Senegal after a friend invited them to visit. Somehow, Turkish Airlines decided that Senegal was not the place they wanted to go. Instead, they should enjoy a relaxing vacation in Dhaka, Bangladesh, which is not even on the same continent.

Since then, the couple has spent months trying to get an answer as to why they ended up in Southeast Asia, but no answer has come and no reimbursement, either. Most likely, the request for an investigation was sent to the wrong office, never to be seen again.

Penises big on the ballot for Los Angeles

It’s a bigger matter than you think. Or depending on your search history, maybe not.

For our readers in Los Angeles, yesterday, you were able to take part in a decision that affects more of your financial situation than you know: putting the condom on the honker in the pron.

Measure B, the code name for the county ordinance that was voted on, was created in part due to the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and STD statistics for Los Angeles, of which porn actors there have more STD’s than Nevada (as in the entire state) prostitutes. Measure B could potentially prevent a lot of bumps being on someone’s noggin.

The ordinance doesn’t really affect The Guys, not because we live in Virginia, but because we like our porn with more heffalumps than what you usually find.

Rise up and, like, seize the day, man

Speaking of hippies, the City of Los Angeles wasn’t satisfied after putting condoms on adult film actors. (To be fair, few are.) Now, they’re looking to shut down medical marijuana dispensaries.

But the hardworking pot dispensarians aren’t going to take this sitting down. Well, after a couple of bong hits, sitting’s the only option. The point is, they’re not going to take it, and that means — you probably guessed it — unionizing.

We predict this will turn out like Newsies, only the music will be terrible … er. More terrible.