The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

Last week I was scrolling through the channels because my cable box was having issues downloading program info. It was like being back in 1996. I had to scroll through the channels not pressing the page up/page down buttons, but the channel up/channel down ones instead.

I stopped at FX, because they are generally good to me, after all, they brought us the greatest show about Denis Leary’s stand-up world this side of The Job. But tonight’s fare was not quite at that level. Instead I got the last half hour of Snakes on a Plane. I know it was cool four years ago for blogs to be all excited about this movie, but really, it’s a second-rate action flick that’s never sure if it’s supposed to be sarcastic or not.

Naturally, I watched it.

I even got in in time for Samuel L. Jackson’s famous (if not edited) line: “That is it! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” Those of you who follow me on Twitter know where I’m going with this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.

Ah, the life of an LAPD officer

Consider, if you will, Los Angeles.

Aside from its normal population of people who aren’t involved in Hollywood, it’s full of aspiring actors, current actors and has-been actors who are all insane. And that’s not even including the non-celebrity celebrities that are out-crazying the Arquettes.

Now, imagine you’re an LAPD officer. You’ve got to arrest these entitled people for DUIs, drug charges, public indecency, assault, chaining themselves to trees and the occasional murder.

Sounds like the toughest job in the world, right?

But, then you have to watch a sex tape because of possible “images that could link celebrities engaging in illegal activity.”

As long as it’s not the Screech tape, we say that’s a decent trade … this week.

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Love hits the road

Every guy knows how it is when he’s seeing a girl whose parents don’t like him. You get the dirty looks, the snide remarks, you even catch a bit of your girl yelling at her parents about how you do in fact have a job and you are very proudly working at the office building downtown–as a janitor. Such is young love.

Something else young love can be: a one way trip to Northern California.

A young man from outside Los Angeles got his on his girlfriend’s mom’s bad side–so much so that she recruited a friend to drive over to his house, where they tried duct tape him and haul him up to NoCal, where, presumably, they were going to leave him. The cops arrested the two women on kidnapping charges.

Police said later the girlfriend was arrested, too, for trying to convince her boyfriend not to testify against her mom and her mom’s friend. Wonder what her bargaining chip was.

Phil Spector, our producer, did something

Phil Spector, just one of many celebrated psychopaths in the American music industry (but the only one to hold The Ramones hostage), was found guilty yesterday of the second-degree murder of Lana Clarkson.

In an inconceivable situation, Clarkson was found dead in Spector’s Los Angeles home from a gunshot wound. His arrest and trial led to the world’s most bizarre collection of courtroom sketches in recent history. Seriously, people haven’t worn wigs this bad in court since the invention of the guillotine.

The Guys wish Phil all the best during his sentencing. He’s a talented individual that just can’t handle his guns, bullets, ego, wardrobe, talent or his individual self.

You may have only gotten second-degree murder, but it’ll always be first in our hearts.

Doing the bump may require waggle

Hammer, don’t hurt the gamers!

M.C. Hammer may just be back! According to his Twitter (only the latest social networking craze as of late — come visit SG’s now), he

“got one day to recover ,then it’s LA to Activision to get a glance of a top secrete project on Monday … Cannot wait !!!”

Which, you know, could be possibly and utterly horrifying if secrete is not a misspelling … which we are desperately hoping. Of course, the same could be said of a video game project involving M.C. Hammer. I mean, I love the absurd and nonsensical lyrics of Can’t Touch This just as much as the next human being, if I see something along the lines of “Bankrupt Rapper Hero” being greenlit, I may go on a murder spree.

Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.

AL East
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Warrior of the Week: Los Angeles

Yes, you read that right. Los Angeles, Calif. is leading the fight against animal-kind, now with a law “requiring most cats and dogs to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old.”

How will this be possible? They are using a van. (No, seriously.)

“Councilman Richard Alarcon, who […] is a co-author of the bill, brought his two pet Chihuahuas to the event to be neutered in a van operated by the city.”

Of course, we are talking about Hollywood here, so there are some shady exceptions, like “those that have competed in shows or sporting competitions, guide dogs, animals used by police agencies and those belonging to professional breeders.”

So, this doesn’t prevent another direct-to-DVD Air Bud, but it is a step that most cowards are too afraid to take in the War on Animals.  Congratulations, LA: you’re our Warrior of the Week.