On Friday, non-terrible people across the country celebrated the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide. The decision came toward the end of Pride Month, and the international LGBT held impromptu celebrations. Landmarks were suddenly lit up like Rainbow Brite had come to town. It was a victory for love.
But that hasn’t kept the nation’s Wrong Side of History movement down. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has said that county clerks in his state don’t need to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples if it is against their religion (read: if they have a problem with it and claim to be Christian). Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant said he is exploring legal recourses to the decision (spoiler alert: there aren’t any). Louisiana Attorney General Buddy Caldwell said his state doesn’t have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, because the decision didn’t come with a specific order, because “It is so ordered,” isn’t clear enough. Amazingly, the South isn’t totally on board with social change.
The war against animals is not an easy one, but there are ways around it to change that. Take for example a situation in Natchitoches, Louisiana. A tractor trailer had pulled over on a road, but due to recent rains, it was close to tipping over.
Arby’s, who for the longest time had only one job to do and didn’t even do that job right, is now selling both reuben sandwiches and a variation of the reuben they call “the Rachel.” And because fate is a cruel and fickle monkey-lord, a Rachel and a Reuben are getting married. Not only that, they’re both fans of Arby’s.
Guys, I’m a little nervous. There are all these articles out there today saying that an asteroid is going to zoom past the Earth on Sunday. They claim there’s no real danger, but I don’t trust them. For example, the Europeans just got a probe to orbit and soon land on an asteroid, NASA says it wants to land people on an asteroid. What if the asteroid race is warning us not to mess with them. The next one could have our number. If you were busy getting your hopes up for what will surely be a disappointing football season this week, odds are you missed it.
Joan Rivers dies, parts of her aged 81
The world of comedy was dealt another big blow this week with the death of Joan Rivers. She was known as one of the first women to do real comedy once women were given such a right via a constitutional amendment, and managed to stay relevant decade after decade. First Robin Williams, now Joan Rivers. I’m calling it right now: it’s the Curse of the High-Profile Louie Cameos. Look out, Jerry Seinfeld!
Celebrity skin not celebrated
This week, nude photos of dozens of female celebrities were posted on a forum online, supposedly from hacked Apple iCloud accounts. The media and many of your friends on social media were outraged that such a thing could happen, because celebrities shouldn’t have to deal with the same problems and normals. The FBI announced that it would investigate the alleged crimes, because only the feds are allowed to violate citizens’ privacy. We can only hope that the victims and their families are OK, and that they don’t decide to have their own reality shows.
Virginia is for bribers
Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell and his wife were found guilty of several counts of corruption while he was in office. Among other things, they were accused of accepting gifts in exchange for favors and sweetheart deals. They were given hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash, gifts and trips while they were in office. It’s the first time a Virginia governor has been convicted of a crime. Nice try, Virginia, but you’ve got a long way to go before you have as many convictions under your belt as Illinois or Louisiana.
Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.
In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.
Fairs around the country took a moment of silence when the news of tragedy reached them. Strewn across the lane of westbound I-220, corn dogs covered the highway. It was all done thanks a truck, carrying the dinners of lazy mothers across the country, rolling over in the early morning.
Listen, corn dog thieves, you do know that if corn dogs hit the ground, they’re no longer good to eat, right? Right? Eh, probably not.
Surrounded by commercial fishermen, Jindal reminded the crowd that seafood is hugely important to the state’s financial health (and that of the region as a whole). In Louisiana alone, the impact on the economy is estimated at $2.3 billion. The proposed safety plan is essentially a 20-year initiative that calls for industry safeguards and repair the damage done to consumer confidence regarding seafood in local waters.
As public anger over BP’s perceived lack of action continues to mount, it’s a savvy time to request funds. Jindal said the $457 million represents “a fraction of what we would lose year after year after year” should BP decline to the request. It’s just a drop in the bucket of what the oil company is going to end up shelling out for this mess, but for PR value alone, the money could be well-spent.
Remember people, it’s only acceptable to take money from big organizations for state purposes when it’s an election year.
Let’s be clear on one thing: oil spills are not cool. We’re going out on a limb with that one, even though it often means killing dangerous animals. However, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico just took a turn for the awesome.
As the oil slick gets closer to the Mississippi River Delta, the federal government is thinking about setting the whole thing on fire. Take that, Louisiana!
Of course, part of their data was collected before Hurricane Katrina, and part of it afterwards, yet they still managed to average happiest over states like Florida, Hawaii and Wyoming, which everyone knows is called “the Happy State.”
Factors that raised states like Hawaii and Florida to the top and states like New Jersey and Antipathy (a secret volcanic island off the Jersey Shore where the government tests wild dog repellent on newborns) included climate, crime rates, air quality and schools.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a news story about a study unless someone reached startlingly untenable conclusions based on research that wasn’t present and ignores the other 48 states in between the top and bottom results: the USA Today believes faith is the the reason why Louisianna beat out New York. Well, you know what they say about ignorance.
Look, GOP. We understand that it’s not your fault that, for the mostly anti-gay party, you’ve had your share of gay sex scandals. However, phrases like this about your new poster boy don’t help:
“‘The speech is very important. This is [Bobby Jindal’s] coming-out party,’ said G. Pearson Cross, head of the University of Louisiana’s political science department, who has observed Jindal‘s political rise.”
Just sayin’. We’re sure you’re much better at being Republicans than we are … not that there’s anything wrong with that.