Reason #6: You read this article

Do you *really* want to know why?Listen, single ladies. We know it’s tough out there when you don’t have a man to all marry you and give you socks to clean.

And, speaking as (The) Guys, we don’t make it any easier on you by dumping you. But you’re not going to find the answers by reading articles like these or asking a guy friend* to interpret it for you.

There’s only one reason straight men dump you: we don’t want to hang out with you, watch your TV shows, eat your food, talk to your friends, play with your cats and ride in your car anymore.

Also, there’s never somebody else; there’s everybody else.

There: mystery solved. Now go show your boobs to somebody else.

*Really, just one? What’s his qualification, an PhD in Manwatching? We’re not exactly scientists here, but what if your one male friend is retarded or in love with you and trying to prove it through subtle responses to an article about why jerks dump awesome women?

Big is beautiful and single

That’s right: if you’re a woman who happens to be a chubby-chaser, then you’ve got the chance to land yourself a jackpot of a man here. The sumo grand champion Asashoryu announced that he’s getting a divorce from his wife of five years. The two have had troubles for years, as she apparently wasn’t even publicly seen in his trip to Mongolia two years back, nor have they been living together. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM.

So, what can you do to win this man’s heart? Well, it’s been said that he’s big into fashion, so might I suggest a date to the fashion district of Japan (whatever that is)? He’ll enjoy going around and talking to the high-end designers, no doubt. It’ll suck that his handler will likely follow you on the date, as an overprotective parent would, but they can also be a good resource on knowing the right places to go eat. Also, you might not want to make any comments about his weight. You know, just in case.

Love hits the road

Every guy knows how it is when he’s seeing a girl whose parents don’t like him. You get the dirty looks, the snide remarks, you even catch a bit of your girl yelling at her parents about how you do in fact have a job and you are very proudly working at the office building downtown–as a janitor. Such is young love.

Something else young love can be: a one way trip to Northern California.

A young man from outside Los Angeles got his on his girlfriend’s mom’s bad side–so much so that she recruited a friend to drive over to his house, where they tried duct tape him and haul him up to NoCal, where, presumably, they were going to leave him. The cops arrested the two women on kidnapping charges.

Police said later the girlfriend was arrested, too, for trying to convince her boyfriend not to testify against her mom and her mom’s friend. Wonder what her bargaining chip was.

That oughta show ’em

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this.

Love can make you do some crazy things, it can make you lose track of logic, and in some cases, it can also make you a little impulsive.

A 25-year-old man in Egypt tried for two years to convince his parents to let him marry a girl from a lower-class family. For him, love did not conquer his parents, so he did something that may seem a little rash. To get back at his parents, he heated up a knife and cut off his own penis. Have fun trying to concentrate this morning after hearing that one.

Online dating is hell

Online dating sites are corrupting America, and we’re not talking about erotic ads on craigslist. Apparently, the number of members of our military joining those sites is huge. This means that rather than being hooked on various kinds of drugs, like in Vietnam, our fighting men and women are now becoming addicted to love.

What is the world coming to? Every one of us knows that online dating is the enemy and a dangerous gateway. You know, first you start dating people, then you start posting cutesy pictures of each other on your Facebook page, pretty soon, you’re telling everyone how great this person is, nauseating everyone within earshot. Folks, this is not what our troops need. They need to remain celibate like Jesus and focused on the fight so they can come home alive and start a baby boom.

Our brave servicemen and women need to stop thinking about who winked back at them and lay down some covering fire.

Science says Whitney Houston did not lie

Very romantic scientists at Stony Brook University in New York discovered that certain amount of married people experience “Endless Love.” They also proved that someone may or may not “Always Love You” and verified that the entire Michael Bolton catalog applies to a handful of test subjects.

For the study, they compared brain scans of couples who had been together for 20 years to those who had just reached third base, maybe made it home once. About 10 percent of the longtime couples reacted the same as new couples when shown pictures of their partners. (Another 10 percent reacted by needing a drink.)

So, if you’re in a committed relationship and feel just as strongly about your partner as when you met, great. For the rest of you, you now have to fake it because your partner will read this report.

‘Kissing is normally very safe’

If you read this blog, there is no doubt you are suave and sophisticated. You have no problem getting ladies to hang out with you and perhaps wish you to touch your lips to them. You are the man or woman.

So, here’s a tip for you: when passionately kissing your lover(s), try not to suck out their eardrums in the process. This happened recently in China. A man kissed his girlfriend’s ear, somehow reducing the pressure enough to pull out–alright, well you get the point. It’s gross.

“While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution,” the paper said.

The McBournie Minute: Infidelities, screaming or not

On Saturday night, I found myself sipping a mixed drink and searching through the channels for something to watch. Finally, I came across my old standby for late night entertainment: Cheaters.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, people contact the show because they have suspicions that their lover is cheating on them. If the case is sexy enough, Cheaters goes in with all the investigative furvor it can muster. Hidden cameras, night vision, stake outs and research are all employed and compiled until, surprisingly enough, it turns out the lover is indeed cheating. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Infidelities, screaming or not

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.

Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)

So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Get a haircut, lovebirds!

Saudi Arabia is known as the, well, Saudi Arabia of the Middle East. Sometimes it’s friendly to westerners, sometimes they have public beheadings, so really, it’s a coin toss as to how we view the country.

That’s why we’re glad to hear the country is making its version of hippies get a haircut. And by “hippies” we mean men who flirt with women in public places. This blog isn’t sure what that means, but if that means public display of affection (PDA), then we are all for it. It’s time to cut back on people making out in public worldwide by threatening to cut their hair.

It is annoying to see, disgusting to watch and a problem plaguing our nation’s long-haired youth of both genders. Say, we could enforce it on the womens, too!