You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

21st Century slated to deliver all of 20th’s promises

In 2008, Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy.

2011: Duke Nukem Forever.

And now, slated for 2012: Lucasfilm will finally release George Lucas’ World War II dream project, Red Tails. Always the “next movie” Lucas promised after every turd that came out since 1988, Red Tails is the story of the Tuskegee Airman, the first African American fighter squadron and also holders of a near-perfect escort record.

What’s next? Flash Gordon 2? Maybe our uncles will finally get us the bikes they promised us for letting them watch us bathe.

The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.

Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?

OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Scientists, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realize what you’ve done?

Let’s backpeddle a second for all the readers catching us mid-scolding:

Scientists in Japan have successfully cloned mice after freezing the donor to death. To repeat: they’ve brought mice back from the dead. Kind of. Pretty much.

Without death, there’s no way to stop animals from eating the Earth that God fitfully gave to us, humans. In fact, now there’s plans to bring back species we wiped out, like wooly mammoths.

Look, science, you wanna see a hairy elephant? Talk to Lucasfilm. They’ll show you a furry pachyderm with adorable bandage-swathed subhumans riding them. How about that?

Just — for the love of all that is holy — stop bringing non-people back from the dead. It’s not cool.

(Heh, “not cool.” Frozen mice. Still not worth it, science.)