It’s Friday, which means only one thing: news from Tinseltown! For those of you who didn’t lose your virginity in a depression (and recessions don’t count), we mean Hollywood: land of dreams and stained casting couches, home of the neediest waiters and baristas in the world!
Did your parents ever explain to you where Hollywood leading men come from? They’re made, just like mafia dons! For instance: Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio made Taylor Lautner yesterday, just as Tom Selleck and John Stamos once did to them back in the ’90s. And they received their nods from Burt Reynolds and Henry Winkler and so on and so forth, et cetera, et cetera.
Let’s hear it for Taylor Lautner! May his abs never congeal into a gunt, his face never wrinkle or develop jowls and his career never end as an Old Spice spokesperson!
You may now return to your dumpster-diving, and thanks for reading this on stolen Starbucks wifi.