There is a lot of scary news out there today, and the positive spin is coming from that liberal bastion of print media, USA Today.
First off, a unicorn has been found in Italy. OK, well not a real unicorn, because it’s a deer. However, it does indeed have a horn in the middle of its head. No picture is available, but an artist’s rendering makes it look nothing short of frightening.
Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.
Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.