You Missed It: Disowned edition

Now he's going to hate Asians, too.
“Come to think of it, I don’t like Asians now, either.”

It seems like every week some columnist is declaring social media dead, like they’re ER doctors or something. As much as I would like it, Facebook isn’t dead, and luckily, neither is Twitter. Things don’t die just because you tell them to, they die because you were so quick to move on to the next big thing you didn’t look back. When someone has to remind you that it existed, it’s dead. If you were busy drooling over the cast of the new Star Wars this week, odds are you missed it.

Clipped
The NBA banned Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life, after recordings surfaced of him making racist comments involving black players, and his girlfriend taking pictures with Magic Johnson. A picture of Sterling in his underwear was also released this week, and it came out that he has been diagnosed with cancer. You had a better week than Sterling did.

Good-time Harry is back
England’s Prince Harry and his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, announced that they have ended their two-year relationship this week. The revelation dashed many hopes in the U.K. for a royal wedding, since Harry introduced her to his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth, a few months back. So when your girlfriend talks about how said this is, just nod.

Call of Cards
It was announced this week that Kevin Spacey will play a central role in the next Call of Duty game, due to be released later this year. Fans of the series hailed the announcement, as the plotlines of CoD games have become to convoluted that it will help when Spacey turns to the camera and explain in detail what is going on and what he’s about to do.

So that’s how it is in their school

B.M.C. Durfee High School in Fall River, Mass., has employed a new tactic for getting chronically tardy and truant students into class:

The best part, though? New York City schools use a wake-up call recorded by Magic Johnson, making robo-phone sex the safest sex you could ever have with the former NBA all-star.

First new Late Show failure coming up

It happens every time the annointed King of Late Night announces his retirement: the courtiers battle for the not-yet-vacant throne.  This post isn’t about that: we already know that Conan will be the new Leno king … but that is another story.

No, this is about the scurry to fill the other late night slots once the hosts shift around.  For every Craig Ferguson, there is an ill-fated Magic Johnson or Chevy Chase.  They’re the virgin sacrifice to the Safe Comedy Gods, getting some TV time for a week or less, then slaughtered to ensure a solid ten years of unchallenging celebrity jokes.

The first sacrifice has been announced: Jimmy Fallon will most likely take over Conan’s Late Show.  May the Gods be sated with his blood.