Tag: magic

Here’s another weapon for you

Magnets are proof that there is magic in the world, there is just no other way to explain how they work. God gave us these things that stick to metal so now we can hang our pretty drawings on the refrigerator. But people in Miami have figured out how to turn them into a weapon. (The magnets, not the pretty drawings.)

“Wildlife managers” in Florida are using the mangets to mess with crocodiles. In particular, to keep them away from neighborhoods. This is excellent news, because it means we can keep our homes safe from one more threat posed by the area. Now if only we could figure out a way to deal with Swamp Thing.

The story isn’t all good, though. It seems authorities in Florida have a nasty habit of looking the other way when they take a croc into custody. Rather than making him into a new pair of boots, they drive the croc out to a new swamp and set them free. Folks, catch-and-release doesn’t work for terrorists, and it sure as hell doesn’t work for animals.

Important consumer tip

Watch out, consumers! No matter how tempting it is, no matter what promises they may make, no matter how wonderful it sounds, DO NOT buy the magic cheese.

A French man is being accused of selling kits to make “magic cheese.” French officials have been dispatched to Chile to investigate the customers claims and to determine if it is indeed a pyramid scheme. Authorities claim Gilberte Van Erpe sold magic cheese to customers in Chile as an ingredient for French beauty products.

Also, if you eat it, it gives you the ability to fly, walk through the Great Wall of China, and make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Magic beats out science using science

The finger fairy is just like the toothy fairy, but with 50% more syphillis.Once upon a time, there was a gentleman who had unfortunately lopped off the bittiest bit of one of his fingers. Though this may seem but inconsequential to you and I, to Lee, this was horrid. Alas, how could he perform the most dire of functions, such as flipping off other people, scratching his nose or even getting that hard to reach booger in his nose? Indeed, his days were most dark. Lee spent many a-night, always praying and wishing that someday, somehow, his finger tip would come. As often as his days were dark, his wish would go unanswered…

And then, one night, Lee’s brother a magical little pixie sprinkled scrapings involving the cells from the lining of a pig’s bladder pixie dust over his finger tip. This continued for nine more evenings, and then suddenly, POOF, the finger appeared, right out of nowhere! Science could clearly not explain this, as it was nothing but magic! Huzzah!

So children, the moral of the story is this: every night, pray and wish upon that first star that you see every night, and all of your dreams can come true as well … as long as your wishes and prayers involve only asking for your middle finger tip to regrow.

(Story courtesy Adrienne S.)