Not just mad, *bedbugs* mad

“And if you can’t find bedbugs, even a good foot fungus is hard to get out of municipal carpet. Can you say ‘tinea pedis?'”

Mr. Rogers once famously asked in song, “What do you do with the mad that you feel?” It’s hard for children and even adults to sometimes learn how to manage our intense feelings when simultaneously angry and yet powerless to change our situation.

Some people, as Fred suggested, might channel that energy into something positive — playing tag with their friends. Or organizing a food drive. Maybe even counting to 10, playing with your trolley and moving on.

Others bring a cup of more than 100 bedbugs to their source of frustration, slamming it on a counter top so that they spread all over their office building.

There are just so many options to what to do with that mad you feel. What do you do, neighbor?

Guy wears horns on head in ID photo

Pagans are followers of Paganism, an ancient mystical religion honor nature and some obscure European gods. They are split into two groups, those who listen to metal and those who listen to harp and lute stuff. And just in time for the War on Christmas, Maine is giving the pagans the right to look silly in their driver’s license photos.

Pagan priest Phelan Moonsong, which probably isn’t his given name, has successfully argued for the right to wear the fake horns he wears all day long in his driver’s license photo. The state agreed that Moonsong’s horns are a religious headdress, and thus allowed in ID pictures.

And yes, ladies, he’s available.

Good news for people that work in the newspaper industry

Do you need a job? Can you write a 200 word essay about why you should be able to own an inn?

Then you just might be able to run the Center Lovell Inn and Restaurant. The current owner, Janice Sage, won the place via winning an essay contest, so if it worked for her, then clearly, it’s gotta work again! Has the internet made you and your job redundant? No worries! The inn is idyllic enough to make people forget about such things as the internet!

Some might think that those with an English or Writing degree might have an edge, but one of the requirements for the job is working a 17-hour day. Depending on the degree holder’s age, that can be a real push.

You Missed It: Fireworks edition

EAT IT, SEAGULLS!
EAT IT, SEAGULLS!

Why aren’t there any good Halloween songs coming out anymore? I get that “Thriller” may never be topped, but it feels like there’s a market for Halloween songs that just hasn’t been tapped in a long time. We have tons of scary sounding music from scary looking people, but nothing has really seemed to click in decades. Maybe musicians should do Halloween albums, rather than the crap they put out for the holidays. That’s the world I want to live in. If you were busy announcing a bunch of movies this week, odds are you missed it.

Sticking the landing
This week, a commercial rocket carrying supplies and scientific experiments exploded just six seconds into its launch at a NASA facility in Virginia. Officials say that the rocket was terminated when it was clear there was a problem that would keep it from reaching orbit, plus it’s fun to scare the crap out of the local wildlife.

Breaking out during an outbreak
Because of the paranoia surrounding the Ebola virus, there have been various quarantines put in place for any military or health workers coming back from African countries where the outbreak still exists. To protest the forced quarantine she was under in New Jersey, nurse Kaci Hickox made herself into a political pawn. She broke her quarantine, was sent home to Maine, and broke her quarantine there, too. She hasn’t shown symptoms of the virus yet, but karma hasn’t yet been reached for comment.

Pee-Wee Three
After years of talking about it, Paul Reubens announced that a third Pee-Wee Herman movie is in the works. Production is set to start early next year. Fans are excited at the news, because it’s long past time we traumatized the younger generation.

The animal automobile invasion is on

It’s bad enough that the animals have pushed us into a war that we didn’t necessarily want to join in, much less that they could win. But it happened, and as such, here we are. That said, invading our cars? What purpose does that solve?

First, a pair of normal, unsuspecting tourists rented a car to go sightseeing in Maine. No problem! Except when they opened the trunk, therein lied a python, presumably lying in wait to kill. Problem! Except Maine is not exactly a climate friendly to pythons, so the mighty serpentine warrior was easily subdued by police with a pillowcase. Problem (for the python)!

And then, a lazy coyote in decided to hitch a ride in a train conductor’s car. We know this is highly unusual because it took place in Wisconsin and as such, if the coyote was trying to smuggle people into the country, he was doing a bad job. The conductor let mercy shine upon the animal, nestled in the car’s front bumper, and drove the car all the way to his job, not letting the coyote be bothered despite it lowering the car’s fuel efficiency. Sadly, the coyote did not chip in for gas.

SG is the hero to your children

In what sounds like a story one might find in The Berenstein Bears, thievery is afoot! A patch of 100 onions, grown by fifth graders in Maine, were completely stolen. The children are let down, as they grew the root vegetable for the homeless.

Allow us to solve the crime. The culprit is either:

  • the newest seller at the farmer’s market with a giant bushel of onions to sell
  • whoever reeks of onions

You’re welcome.

Saying ‘Shell-no!’ to shellfish

Nature sent their latest crustacean warriors at us recently and we found them wanting.

Their first pair of warriors may have been a miscalculation on their part. In Maine, a duo of fishermen dredged up two albino lobsters (warning: autoplay). Their uncolored, all-honkey nature makes them poor warriors and even worse spies, though what’s truly scarier is the news that we’ll have to break to Joe Bates:

“He’s a survivor and he’s one of a kind, and I mean that in a good way,” said Bates.

Then, in Florida, a man caught a shrimp estimated to be a foot and a half long! Not out in the deep sea, but at a dock! The crustacean was this close to striking land! And then, the man that found it, Steve Bargeron, made the worst mistake of his life. Unlike the fishermen in Maine, who dropped off the albino lobsters at a top-flight research facility, Bargeron, after taking pictures of the monster shrimp, threw it back into the water. WHAT?! How can we study our enemy when pity is taken upon them? For shame, sir. For shame.

The McBournie Minute: Searching for France, finding Newfoundland

There is something that exists in the hearts of all men that dares us to try to do something new. This feeling is why we built the pyramids, why we “discovered” new continents, why we went to the moon. Common knowledge said that it couldn’t be done, and someone finally got the courage to prove common knowledge wrong.

It may end up being the thing that saves or kills mankind, but either way, it will define us. Our thirst for knowledge and new discoveries will continue to drive us as a species. That is why it’s unfortunate that we tend to misuse that feeling. When someone tells us, “You’re a damn fool to try that,” we think we’re just smart enough to try it.

At some point, someone told Jonathan Trappe of North Carolina that he couldn’t travel by balloon solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Searching for France, finding Newfoundland

Have fun tipping the bartender on that drink

When The Guys were in college, the typical tip for a bartender was a dollar a drink. Does that still apply if you buy a cocktail that costs $40 grand?

Beeteedubs, don’t choke on the included ruby. It might be elegant, but choking on an item in the drink is so very less than elegant.

Leroy Jenkins not a credible reference for politicians

Colleen Lachowicz is a democrat running for state senate in Waterville, Maine and she also happens to play a lot of World of Warcraft. As per Maine Republicans, this means that she is more than unfit for office, and as such, the Maine Republican Party has set up an entire website dedicated to digging up old forum posts made by Lachowicz.

“Colleen Lachowicz is a Democrat candidate for Maine State Senate. In Colleen’s online fantasy world, she gets away with crude, vicious and violent comments like the ones below. Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.”

Yes, this is an actual website set up by the Maine Republican Party.

This whole situation is hilarious in the “you can’t believe it’s actually real” hilarious, kind of like in the beginning for the replacement refs for the NFL. To use the fact that she plays World of Warcraft as a political dig against her? It’d only be an understandable claim if the woman played Second Life.