Leroy Jenkins not a credible reference for politicians

Colleen Lachowicz is a democrat running for state senate in Waterville, Maine and she also happens to play a lot of World of Warcraft. As per Maine Republicans, this means that she is more than unfit for office, and as such, the Maine Republican Party has set up an entire website dedicated to digging up old forum posts made by Lachowicz.

“Colleen Lachowicz is a Democrat candidate for Maine State Senate. In Colleen’s online fantasy world, she gets away with crude, vicious and violent comments like the ones below. Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.”

Yes, this is an actual website set up by the Maine Republican Party.

This whole situation is hilarious in the “you can’t believe it’s actually real” hilarious, kind of like in the beginning for the replacement refs for the NFL. To use the fact that she plays World of Warcraft as a political dig against her? It’d only be an understandable claim if the woman played Second Life.

Cut your arm off, win a switchblade

Moving to Maine is, in a lot of ways, like cutting your arm off.  Sometimes, you do what you have to in order to survive, even if that means moving to the state that Stephen King made famous by immortalizing its killer alien spider clowns and demonically-possessed cars.

But, what if you got some chocolate in your lobsterbutter/lobsterbutter in your chocolate? Maine’s got your back, one-armed badass.

Maine’s legislature has approved a bill that would make it legal for amputees and other people with one arm to legally own a switchblade, enabling them to use a pocket knife without opening it with their teeth.

Governor LePage is expected to sign the bill into law, but has refused to comment on a follow-up amendment that would award lap dances to armless people who can twirl butterfly knives.

It’s not Walmart’s fault that you’re a bad driver

Remember Richard Griswold? Remember his adventures in a Walmart parking lot? Remember how he backed into a light pole that was painted a bright yellow?

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t. But SeriouslyGuys and District Court Judge Sawako Gardner both do. We both know that Griswold somehow managed to make a clod move on his part and then decided to blame someone else for it. However, only Gardner had the legal ability to do something about it (vote Yes on Proposition 456235.SG to make that a reality for SG!) and did he:

In a decision released by the court on Wednesday, the judge wrote that Griswold failed to meet the burden of proof during a previous court hearing. The judge noted Griswold claimed the pole was “not placed properly,” that other drivers had struck it and that it should be moved by Walmart. The judge also wrote Walmart’s opinion that the crash was due to Griswold’s “own negligence.”

It’s never fun to have your inability to simply operate a vehicle in a parking lot become a matter of legal record.

There’s a ‘You might be a redneck’ joke here somewhere

I’m not very tall.

Seriously. When I back out of places, I have do a near total turn of my body while sitting in order to make sure that I don’t hit anyone or anything. This is also compounded (or perhaps helped) by the fact that I drive a car that isn’t exactly the largest on the road. Nonetheless, I’ve never backed into anything.

A friend of mine, while embarrassed at one point in her life, once peeled out of a parking lot, but not before accidentally backing into a light pole, doing just a little bit of damage to the end of her car. Lawsuits? What are those?

Richard Griswold of Maine drove into a light pole in a Walmart parking lot after subsequently dropping a passenger off, feels he’s not to blame and has now sued said Walmart because of that. So, who’s got a line on how quickly this suit ends?

You mean you’re canceling the cod feast?

A sunny day, a crowd, some alcohol and a greased up cod is usually a recipe for fun, but in Milbridge, Maine, it turned into danger.

In Milbridge, the town has a tradition of celebrating its birthday the way most towns do, by forming teams dressed in firemen’s turnout gear and seeing who can carry a greased up, 20-pound cod fish 90 feet the fastest. But it got ugly over the weekend–ugly big time.

Fisticuffs broke out over a minor driving infraction that happened earlier in the day. Two people ended up being sent to the hospital after a brawl involving 50 to 60 people was put down local and state police.

In related news, guys, I’m not supposed to be up there until next week, you were supposed to save the drunken fights until then!

Hoooo the hell just hit me?

Once again, a reminder that though spring may more or less be here, the War on Animals continues. In fact, the warmer temperatures are inspiring beasts all over to attack us. Usually, we only warn you of a potential threat. This is not one of those posts.

An owl in Maine really, really doesn’t like people. It has been attacking cross country skiers that come near its locale. The attacks are so frequent that warning signs have been put up in the area to prevent anyone else getting hurt. The owl swoops in at night (but really, why are you cross country skiing at night, if not to be attacked by wildlife?) and smacks people in the head, then flies off again. Worst of all, it’s a great horned owl. AN OWL WITH HORNS?

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.