If you are reading this, odds are you are not on vacation right now. That’s a good thing, because I am not either, yet it seems that half the world has decided to take their vacation now. If I have to suffer, I’m glad you’re here to suffer with me. If you were busy getting psyched up for the anniversary of the moon landing this week, odds are you missed it.
Next up on C-SPAN theater
Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor faced several days of senators trying to get in the best sound bite while wrapping it up somehow in the form of a question. In response, Sotomayor responded in an honest, totally not-coached way. But through it all, the most important issue emerged: Sotomayor, pinned by questions, was forced to admit that she is in fact a “Latina woman.”
Oh yeah? Well ‘The Dark Knight’ still holds the top spot!
The latest Harry Potter movie, which we believe has something to do with Harry Potter and a prince of half-blood–or something along those lines, brought in $58 million in a single day, making it the best opening for any of the series, and fourth of any movie ever released. This just goes to show, if you make a movie about a kid’s book exciting enough for children, but dark enough and sexy enough for adults, both demographics will meet in a creepy, creepy middle.
If I have to watch that “Roosevelts” Taco Bell commercial one more time …
Major League Baseball, for the most part, was on a break earlier this week, but fortunately, your baseball viewing was in overtime. The Home Run Derby lasted nearly a fortnight, which resulted in Chris Berman running out of “Back back back back”s (followed by the celebrity softball game, which you know you stuck around for), while the All-Star Game itself clocked in at under three hours. Say, did you know that Albert Pujols plays for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? Did you know that Fox announcer Joe “Slamalama Ding-Dong” Buck’s father was a famous announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? In case you didn’t, ESPN and FOX saw to it to remind you once or twice.
It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.
The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!
Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.
And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?
It’s Friday, and by now your NCAA tournament brackets are messed up. Well, that’s what you get for gambling. You do know that it’s illegal, right? At this point, you are probably looking to find some sort of diversion from thinking about the massive losses you have incurred. If you were busy getting stalked by a guy on the set of “Dancing with the Stars,” odds are you missed it.
Everyone get ready for another bracelet campaign
Lance Armstong fell in the first stage of some bike race in Spain, breaking his collar bone. Along with it, Armstrong shattered the hopes and dreams of young Americans everywhere who dream of growing up and pedaling really fast professionally. Luckily, he did not break his Twitter, as evidenced by the fact that he continued tweeting leading up to his surgery. Still being investigated: if tweeting and riding caused the accident in the first place.
Gun gun be gun, gun gun be gun gun
Things are not good for Rihanna. Even though she’s now 21, a year by rights she should not have to remember, she is got a boyfriend who allegedly hits her, she is catching heat for staying with him anyway, and um, Jay-Z probably has something to say about all of it, too. Clearly, it is time for some image recovery. Rihanna knows this, that is why she got a tattoo of a gun near her right armpit. Perfect! Now we can no longer associate you with violence!
Nobody lies to Congress but Congress
Major League Baseball’s Miguel Tejada was sentenced to one year of probation, a $5,000 fine and 100 hours of community service for lying to Congress about his use of performance enhancing drugs. That’s right folks, let the word go our hence forth that if you want to do illegal drugs and then lie about it to federal lawmakers, all it takes is a fraction of your annual salary, some “Kids, don’t do drugs” public service announcements and a year of double-secret probation. Take THAT! Tejada will probably also have to buy his team, the Houston Astros, all lunch or something, too.
Now that the press is soiling itself over Alex Rodriquez’s admission to using steroids (courageously made after his failed test results hit the press), I’ve been thinking more about a piece I wrote back in 2007 when the Mitchell Report was released.
Personally, I’ve always taken it with a grain of salt anytime someone waxes philosophically about the “Clean Days of Baseball.” The history of the sport’s more saccharine than a fundamentalist’s interpretation of the 1950s: everyone got along (in their segregated leagues), they were good sports (Chicago Black Sox) and substance-free (Dock Ellis).
Now that he’s “come clean,” I was wondering when the League would get involved. I mean, either they’re against doping or they are for it. A lack of consequences is clearly a silent vote for “Please break some more crusty old records and raise our ticket sales!”
True to fashion, Rodriguez practiced with his team, uneventfully. There’s been no talk of suspension, fines or even mandatory PSA from the Yankees or MLB. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps faced criminal charges for a f#%king photograph and fortunately avoided arrest by not admitting that the pipe contained marijuana.
So, let me restate for the record: let the bums into the Hall of Fame. If professional athletes want to use steroids, HGH and whatever else sucks nads to grow muscles, go ahead. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let the bums into the Hall of Fame (A-Rod Edition)
It’s really hard to type in costume, my nails keep getting in the way. (Does that mean I’m one of the Girls Next Door or Dracula? You decide.) Welcome to a special Halloween edition of You Missed it. No, there’s nothing really Halloweeny about this week’s edition, but it falls on the second biggest commercial holiday in the U.S. Stay tuned tomorrow for special Dia de los Muertos posts on our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com. If you were busy being convicted in your corruption trial this week, odds are you missed it.
That bleedin’ wanker oughtn’t be buggerin’ her!
British comedian Russell Brand resigned from his weekend show on BBC Radio this week after a battle or as they say in England, “row,” over one of his latest bits. Brand called actor Andrew Sachs’ home but failed to reach him. Instead, Brand left a series of messages detailing his (fictional) carnal knowledge of Sachs’ 23-year old granddaughter. The bit was deemed “gross” and “offensive.” For those of you keeping score of British humor at home: prank calls = offensive, silly walks and old men chasing after young women in fast motion to music = hilarious.
And now for something completely similar
Can’t get enough of Sen. Barack Obama? Neither can his campaign. This week Obama aired a 30-minute infomercial about his stance on things and showing people who are helping or can be helped. In it, Obama stood talking to the camera in a room that looked like the Oval Office, but with natural looking stain on the wooden window frames, instead of painted white. The title of the special: I Know You Really Want to Watch the Rest of Game 5 of the World Series, But I Need to Burn This Campaign Money. Speaking of which …
You know what’s clever? Spelling ‘F’ words with ‘Ph’
In the longest game in World Series history, Game 5 was concluded more than 48 hours after it began. The Philadelphia Phillies finished off the Tampa Bay Rays. Philadelphia’s football fans are known for their rude and overbearing behavior, luckily, Phillies fans showed restraint in their celebration, setting fires, flipping cars, firing guns into the air and accidentally injuring and/or killing themselves. WOOOOOOOOOO!
It’s Friday, which is known in some countries as the end of the work week. Fortunately, it is not the end of the news cycle–there is no end to that. Is everyone else getting sick of election-related stuff yet? We are, and if you’re looking for updates on the election this week, look somewhere else. If you were busy faking an attack on you because you’re a McCain supporter, odds are you missed it.
The games have just begun
Today is a big day for the moving picture industry. In the much anticipated sequel, the stars of Disney’s High School Musical 3: Senior Year are back for yet another choreographed romp through the halls of their school. This time, Troy, Gabriella, Sharpay, Ryan, Chad and Taylor wake up in what appears to be the lair of the notorious Jigsaw. The Wildcats must spring from their elaborate traps and fight to the death in order to survive, but it’s so hard to sing with those metal clamps in your mouth.
Hey, at least we don’t have to listen to cowbells
Sure, our beloved Red Sox may be out of the playoffs, but believe it or not, Major League Baseball still keeps playing anyway. So far, two games have been played in the World Series, and it’s even at a game apiece between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies. The series now heads to the home of the Philadelphia, where if they are anything like their local NFL team counterparts, the fans will harass, heckle and pummel Rays fans all in the name of good fun.
Everybody hates tourists
Richard Garriott, the latest space tourist, returned to Earth safely on Thursday. He is the sixth tourist in space and the first second generation astronaut. Garriot’s father was on Skylab 3. The incredibly rich man paid $30 million for his 10-day stay in space. Upon his safe arrival back to the planet, Garriott said, “It really reminded me of Space Mountain.”
I feel like crap right now. There’s a pretty good chance it was my meal last night of cheese fries and chili, washed down with some Mountain Dew and vodka, but for the sake of my argument, let’s go with ALCS Game 7’s results last night as the cause. Bryan Schools will probably have more comprehensive reviews of the game, so let’s just stick with the fans.
I hate Tampa Bay fans. Say whatever you want about the team, those guys proved they’ve got what it takes this season again and again. However, their fans simply do not. For pretty much the entire season, the Rays were in first place in the American League east, yet they couldn’t fill the 36,048 seats at Tropicana Field all season long, save for when the Boston Red Sox were in town. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Let’s go, Phillies!
And so the sun begins to set on yet another joy-filled week here at SeriouslyGuys. We don’t know about you, but this week has seemed to be a long one, perhaps that is because we were too busy staying up late drinking for one reason or another. In that spirit, let’s examine what made us stay up late this week. If you were busy uncovering a city of the dead, odds are you missed it.
OK, where the hell did that come from?
Despite wishes of most non-committed MLB fans, TBS, and the weeks-old legion of Tampa Bay Rays fans, the upstarts, or “these young Rays” as the announcers keep calling them for some reason, did not manage to win the American League pennant this week. After winning three games in a row, with the ALCS at 3-1 in favor of Tampa and its Bay saw its seven run lead evaporate in just seven outs (which began in the 7th inning). The Boston Red Sox pulled off the biggest single-game postseason comeback (played in a ballpark in the western hemisphere with winds out of the southwest) since the 1920s, winning 8-7. See you in Game 6 (with more booze).
‘Congratulations, Joe, you’re rich’
You may have thought that Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama were campaigning for your vote. You are wrong. They are actually going for Joe the Plumber’s vote. Joe the Plumber is a nickname the two candidates used in this week’s presidential debate for an average guy, a plumber, making $280,000 a year, who wants to buy his business. You know, a guy just like the rest of us. Joe Sixpack, John Q. Public and Joe Cool were visibly distraught to see they had been cast aside by both candidates.
Oh yeah, there was that other game, too
The Philadelphia Phillies clinched the National League pennant this week, defeating the Los Angeles Dodges (who are not, mind you, of Anaheim). This cause for celebration for Phils fans, because they haven’t been there in like 15 years, which is almost the same as the Cubs’ 100 years. Woooooo! The curse is broken!!!!!!!11 However, Dodgers fans are not as happy, because they have to go back to living in L.A. and acting like that’s a good thing. Manny Ramirez was last seen wandering off, muttering something about potato farming in Idaho.
It’s Friday afternoon once again. For those of you who are out enjoying the nice weather in most parts of the country–well, you are not reading this anyway, so we will just stop right there.
Grain Price Riots
Earlier this week, the price of most grains skyrocketed because of scarcity and other grain-related reasons. Riots broke out among the hungry in many third world countries, most notably Haiti. The panic was beginning to hit the American South when it was finally realized the grain shortage would not affect the price of grain alcohol.
Pope Visits D.C.
This week, Pope Benedict XVI made his first trip to the U.S., starting off with a three-day tour of Washington, D.C., part of which was his birthday. The 81-year-old virgin celebrated a Mass en masse at the brand new Nationals Park, home of the Washington Nationals. The Pope was lauded for his big entrance when warm up music started playing and the announcer came on: “And now, the right-hander hailing from Vatican City, number 16 in your programs but number one in the Church, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI!”
Long Baseball Game
The Colorado Rockies may have worn out their welcome as the San Diego Padres hosted them for a night game April 17. The game ended up lasting 22 innings, falling four innings shy of a league record. The game ended after 3 a.m. local time on April 18. Many players complained that their drug dealers were already in bed at that hour.
‘Sims’ Hits Milestone
Video game The Sims hit 100 million sales this week, the milestone being hailed by critics as a sign of the franchise’s endurance in the gaming world. The critics then ducked their heads back down again to continue beefing up their World of Warcraft characters for battle.