Tag: mall

Despite all his rage, the shark is no longer in a cage

The Guys don’t think it’s too much of a grasp to call an aquarium in a shopping mall ludicrous, or at the very least, gratuitous. Sure, we all like to see the prisoners of war in the conflict that we humans are involved in, but it just seems a bit … extravagant to have a glass cage filled with sea animals while you shop for the latest fashions.

But Shanghai is a different country containing their own excesses. Unfortunately, excesses sometimes have a limit. An aquarium located in a Shanghai mall burst, the six inch thick glass containing turtles, fish and lemon sharks breaking and sending its contents out onto the floor, but first into innocent bystanders (link contains an auto-playing video). Some citizens were injured, but no one died.

12-27-12: Never Forget.

Truly a Christmas miracle

Fun fact: Santa Claus is not Sylvester Stallone.

Do not let Rick Snee lie to you. Despite his claims and false joyful appearance as of late, facial hair can do nothing but lead to death.

In an event that will eventually be recorded as a stop-motion animated Rankin-Bass movie titled “The Year Santa Claus Nearly Died In a Mall In Front of a Bunch of Kids,” we learned that Kris Kringle is not an extreme sports rock climber. One of his many agents isn’t either, getting his beard stuck in rappelling equipment while entering a mall from its glass ceiling. The beardo eventually made his way down to the ground, but not in a speedy fashion.

Hey, Papá Noel: The next time you want to surprise a bunch of kids at a mall, try using the front door, okay?

The internet loves your mistakes

It’s often been said that we should dance as if no one’s looking. This is a stupid piece of advice, as in this day and age, everyone is watching you, especially if you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion. To run with that point, it’s been said to never be fully tuned out of your environment. This is a genius piece of advice, as it’s important to be aware of your surroundings, as once again, in this day and age, everyone is watching, whether or not you’re connected to the internet in some form of fashion.

After all, no one knows when you might be the next double rainbow.

(Courtesy of Liz)

HOLY S#@T!

Post updated at 5:00 pm EST on June 15, 2010.

The Guys don’t pretend to understand God’s thinking, but it’s possible to extrapolate from this story that he doesn’t much care for the evangelical Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH and what was their big honking statue of Jesus.

What we mean is that there are parables, and then there are direct f&%king messages in lightning and red font.

Now, if only he could smote Thomas Kinkade stores without burning down the entire mall ….

UPDATE (6/15/2010) Continue reading HOLY S#@T!

Smelliest flash mob ever

We’ve waxed poetic about Star Wars many times before in the past-truthfully, the majority opinion here at SG is that Star Wars nerds are absolutely hilarious to watch in real life. And we don’t care how hard you send your emails or how sternly you word them from the basement in which you reside.

But, wow. That’s a lot of Cheetos smell.

“I HAVE THE UPPER GROUND, GUVNA’!”

He REALLY wanted to make his return

Oh retail. You provide us with so many wonderful stories.

Four cops in a Detroit suburb overpowered a 43-year-old man who tried to return an Xbox without a receipt at a Gamestop and, once rebuffed, got so pissed that he threatened to kill someone.

These days, “I’m gonna kill someone,” are usually the magic words for a big time police response. When the dissatisfied customer left to get something from his vehicle, police answered a 911 call and did something called “active shooter response.” After cuffing the guy, they only found a stun gun on him. Coincidentally enough, possession of a stun gun is illegal in Michigan. Book ’em, Dan-o.

For raising a ruckus, he now faces a felony for the stun gun and a disorderly conduct misdemeanor. Nice one, dude.

This is, of course, Glenn Beck’s fault

You gotta feel for Sean Hannity. For years, he was everyone’s favorite Fox News host to hate since O’Reilly would–occasionally–prove his independent politics. But, then Glenn Beck moved over from CNN.

Suddenly, waving a flag to match the one on your lapel while asking why liberals are traitors wasn’t crazy enough anymore. Where’s your tears, Sean? Are you too wussy to quake and cry for your homeland? We bet Colmes could blow a snot bubble for the greatest nation on Earth!

What’s a guy to do when he’s losing his ratings to a man who invites America to teaparties? Why, doctor video footage of Michelle Bachmann’s anti-health care rally with footage from a better-attended one to make it look like more than 10,000 people skipped work to protest the laziness of others.