Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

The U.N. stinks

The U.N. Security Council and General Assembly were evacuated from their Manhattan headquarters Tuesday for the world’s first smell day.

After spending several hours in the cold outside, making fun of each others’ cooking, the delegates were finally let back in when it was determined the odor was nothing dangerous.

Authorities believe the smell was a combination of factors stemming from the East River and sewage lines, but Pakistan still insists that India has “the curriest curry farts that ever curried.”

Say whatever the 5#*& you want

Sort of kind of maybe, that is.

A Manhattan court of appeals has thrown out the FCC’s regulations on the First Amendment. Well, on First Amendment grounds, that is. The basic gist of this is that now live television doesn’t have to live in fear of heavy fine because a single, solitary curse word slipped through.

Which is very good. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we should start dropping the f-bomb or Harry Seeward on the evening news (even if Rick likes it when Katie Couric talks dirty, and we’re talking about the oil spill), but accidents do happen. Though, like all good things, this bit of news does have its detractors.

“Let’s be clear about what has happened here today: A three-judge panel in New York once again has authorized the broadcast networks unbridled use of the `F-word’ at any time of the day, even in front of children,” [Parent Television Council President Tim] Winter said in a statement.

Not quite, though I do have some suspicions that Brian Williams would give one awesome Mel Gibson-esque speech if pushed too far.

New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

Men pay two-thirds more than women at bars

Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum (a lady) ruled that Ladies’ Night is not discriminatory against men. She threw out a lawsuit in Manhattan’s federal court on the grounds “that nightclubs are not representatives of the state.”

Oh, really, your honor? Where do bars get their liquor licenses? And where are the state-owned liquor establishments?

Attorney Roy Den Hollander, whose case was thrown out, did not fail to notice the judge’s gender, either.

“He called the judge a feminist and said her dismissal of his lawsuit was consistent with the discrimination embedded in many of America’s institutions.”

When? When will men be free from discrimination? Probably never, because women are pigs.

No sex in the champagne room, nor anywhere else in the building

We live in what some might call a “hallowed age”. Technology is all around us. It’s in your camera. It’s in your phone. It’s in your portable music player. The Orwellian concept of “Big Brother is watching” isn’t so much untrue, as it’s more flipped around-we’re showing ourselves to everyone. With the dubbing of “WEB 2.0”, we’re everywhere that can see us. We’re showing our world to the world and having a blast doing so. Maybe that’s why apparent ignorance is so amusing.

A Manhattan strip club owner is “shocked”—shocked—to learn that his VIP rooms might have been used for more than just lap dances and claims (from the jail cell where he is being held on prostitution charges) that he runs one of the “cleanest” clubs in town. Oh sure, he trusts his strippers so much that he would never put cameras or anything such as that into his club, right? I mean, we can trust a lawyer that owns a strip club called “The Hot Lap Dance Club”, right?