Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

Syrupocalypse is upon us!

For those of you on the East Coast of the United States, you understand when we say that it was a brutally cold winter. For those of you on the West Coast of the United States, we will laugh when your half of the country falls into the ocean. Below freezing temperatures, consistently gusting winds and record snowfall in some parts just made it, well, frankly, unbearable.

It’s going to get worse.

Pancakes are, pound for pound, one of the most delicious food items on the planet. But they’re going to get just a little off in their taste. The aforementioned winter has managed to slow down maple syrup production (ironic, just a bit). The sap won’t flow unlike the spice and without temperatures heating up, a syrup shortage may come into affect.

So get out your prayer beads and start communicating with your sun gods, people, because The Guys refuse to our my pancakes and French toast without maple syrup.

The smell of money

When it comes to money, Canada seemingly has no idea what it’s doing. First, it puts pictures of animals on its coins, then they decided to make their bills out of polymer rather than paper, and then they decided to put such awe-inspiring events on its $5 and $5 polymer bills as the Canadarm (a space arm thingy) and a train.

And apparently it has accidentally made itself even more Canadian.

Their new money smells like maple syrup. Since the polymer bills began making their way to circulation in late 2011, Canadians have reported that their new bills smell like maple. They were so perplexed that they wrote to their government trying to find out if that’s how it’s supposed to smell.

At least they don’t smell like ham — we mean, Canadian bacon.

Victory is the sweetest taste of all

Chalk up another win for the food police of Vermont. Who knew hippies could be so stubborn? Starting February 1, McDonald’s customers in the state will be able to request 100 percent real maple syrup with their Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, after the Vermont Agency of Agriculture (VAA) called the company out for using the term maple in its advertising earlier this month.

Remember, there is no actual maple product in the menu item, which is kind of a violation of Vermont’s strict maple law.

Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin said that the only maple ingredient found in the Fruit and Maple Oatmeal was extracted from the bark of a bush that is a distant relative of the maple tree. That didn’t sit well with state officials, who immediately contacted McDonald’s about the sweet stuff.

For you eaters outside of Vermont, getting real maple syrup in your oatmeal remains a DIY-project. This settlement applies only to Vermont locations. Grrr.

The Golden Arches lack the sweet brown syrup

Factoid: a lot of food products that say “maple” in their name don’t really have even a single drop of real maple syrup. This is disturbing to people such as me, who absolutely love and crave maple syrup. The latest item to be found in this is McDonald’s Fruit & Maple Oatmeal. I’m not really a Mickey D’s person myself, so I can let them pass, but the people of Vermont? The people of Vermont take their maple very seriously and they want a change.

Says Former Vermont Agriculture Secretary Roger Allbee:

“Our maple laws say if it’s a natural maple product it has to have maple syrup. And it has to show that it has maple syrup and they haven’t done that yet…

We have communicated to McDonald’s that in order for them to be in compliance with the product, because we want them to do the right thing, they have to change the ingredients and labeling and we hope they do that.”

The perfect situation would be for McDonald’s to add real maple syrup to the oatmeal as it’s delicious and I don’t care if I end up with diabetes because of it but they’ll be fine with the corporate arches not using “maple” in the name of the product or its advertising. A statement released says that the business giant is in discussions to ensure state standards.

We like to think that these discussions involve the purchase of the state.

What’s this all aboot?

When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?

Wrong. Global warming, (for everyone that does believe in it), is beginning to affect maple trees in New England. And by affect, I mean “slowly decreasing the amount that grow.” But only in the New England area, which leads to my earlier comment: Canada’s maple trees are apparently not being affected by global warming.

Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.

To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!