Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
Other clinics across the nation are offering copies of Sports Illustrated, 3D glasses, T-shirts (“He got this vasectomy, and all I got was an empty pizza box”) and bags of frozen peas to the man who has it all disconnected from his balls.
They believe men intentionally choose March so they can get a few days off of work to watch the tournament, guilt-(and baby-)free.
The only drawback to this plan? You can only do it once.
You can smell it in the air, can’t you? It’s the smell of hot dogs, freshly cut grass, beer, and vomit. Yes, baseball season is here once again. It’s time to break out the tar, scratch yourself and spit often and for no apparent reason. If you were busy massacring The Beatles’ best work this week, odds are you missed it.
The end of March Craziness
In a case of David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil, Justice vs. Crime, Black vs. White, On vs. Off, Up vs. Down and Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, Butler and Duke squared off in the NCAA men’s basketball final. Missing a buzzer-beater and down by two points, Butler fell to Duke, a decision that pleased virtually no one. In other news, someone beat someone else in women’s basketball the other day.
Don’t mess with the perks of a job
Working at a brewery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, just ask the staff at Carlsberg. Warehouse workers and truck drivers are on strike for the second day in a row. Why? It’s not because of a wage cut, or a mandate for longer hours. No, the bastards are ending their free beer policy. And this, Republicans, is why we have unions.
It took three days–seriously
A man in Oregon beat the world record for points in the video game “Asteroids” during a webcast attempt. We know what you’re thinking. Yes, ladies. He’s still available.
Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.
You got health care in my government
Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”
The games will continue
March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.
Someone’s not living up to their title
A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?
As you may have heard, Bryan Schools leading a protest against his hometown’s new AA baseball team, the Richmond Flying Squirrels. He’s at their field The Diamond (this play oozes originality) saying he doesn’t want a mascot named Nutzy. Last we heard he climbed one of the light posts armed with a bottle of whiskey and is refusing to come down.
So until next week, I, Bryan McBournie, will be filling in, which makes sense, since a power outage yesterday kept me from posting my own weekly column. I’m here with all the regular sports expertise I am known for (none). Since there’s really only one thing that matters right now in the sports world: March Madness.
I’d like to be clear on this point: I know nothing about college basketball. I don’t much care about basketball as a sport, and the whole March Madness thing had been lost on me–until this year. Due to some peer pressure, I made a bracket for my office pool. Now, I’m sitting in 13th place out of 25, and have the highest potential points left. How did I do it?
If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.
Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.
Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.
There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!
Yes, it is spring–a time when warmth, love and even March Madness are in the air. Trees bud, bears come out of their caves, and humans get the sudden urge to travel.
Science still is unsure what it is in humanity that causes this urge to migrate, or why it has to be some place the individual or their offspring has never been. The current theory is that in ancient times, Neanderthals survived when the seasons changed, by grabbing their primitive cameras and hopping on buses to see big piles of rocks they had learned about in history class. This was a very short class, since nothing had happened yet.