On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.
We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.
But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
Washington state, Oregon and Colorado are home to some of the finest craft breweries in the country, but beer isn’t selling like it used to in those states, thanks to marijuana.
According to a new report, residents in those states are increasingly choosing weed over suds. Legalized marijuana has allowed more choices for those who want a buzz, which means people aren’t picking up as much craft beer as they used to. Data shows that beer sales haven’t matched expectations in the past two years, meanwhile, marijuana sales are high. (GET IT?)
But all this really means is that the brewery that makes a smokable beer will be very rich.
At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.
Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?
Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.
Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.
Thousands of years ago, humans were scattered across what are now Europe and Asia. They hunted, they fought the brutal elements, and they survived long enough to found Western civilization. They also got down with cannabis.
Researchers believe the three tribes responsible for populating Eurasia long ago also spread cannabis across the land. Scientists found that the herb has been found at archeological sites in Japan and Eastern Europe at about the same time, suggesting that ancient humans started using it for food and a buzz around that time. The various tribe may have even traded it. That means cave men were drug dealers.
But if ancient humans smoked cannabis, why don’t all modern European and Asian language share the word “Dude?”
Sure, Easter was two days ago, but the stories keep coming. Imagine you’re holding a neighborhood Easter egg hunt when all of a sudden a man comes out screaming that his roommates are going to kill him. Sounds like the opening of a bad cop show, doesn’t it?
In Washington state, deputies were called to a disturbance at an Easter egg hunt, and ended up finding a lot more than the Easter Bunny brought. They searched the house of the man who complained about his roommates, and found a large-scale illegal marijuana operation going on. They found more than $200,000 in pot, and a whole lot of cash on hand.
All three roommates were arrested and charged, and no guns were found. So basically, the guy ratted on himself. It must’ve been a “come to Jesus” moment.
We now live in a world where our animal foes can shut down the government. Let thank sink in for a moment.
Last week, a Vermont Senate committee was discussing marijuana legalization (we thought it was legal there, too) when all of a sudden, the lights went out. It turned out that a squirrel took out a transformer powering the statehouse. There’s no two ways about it, folks, this is terrorism. Our animal foes are seeking to drive our policies by striking fear into the hearts of elected officials.
Apparently they are also against legalizing pot. We will not let the terrorists win.
It turns out, stoners and runners have more in common than they think, according to a new study.
It’s well documented that runners are usually drinkers. That’s why so many running events involve beer. But it turns out that runners don’t just like getting drunk, they get high, too. The runner’s high isn’t just about feeling superior to everyone else, it triggers cannabinoid receptors in your brain, which can also be stimulated by marijuana, researchers at Oxford found.
Dude, just think about how high you could get if you smoked pot while you ran.
Snoop Dogg has cast off his Snoop Lion title and reverted back to his nomenclature of Snoop Dogg. The reason? Snoop Lion is a relaxed raconteur, but Snoop Dogg is a no-nonsense businessman. And a businessman is most needed, as he’s now here to provide a service for Californians: app delivery weed.
Snoop and his investment firm, Casa Verde Capital, have invested, along with others, in Eaze. The app is designed like Uber: push a button on your phone and within 10 minutes, marijuana is delivered to you. If Denny’s could do the same thing, stoners all around the state might never be happier.