Alcohol trade group wants to legalize it, man

There was a time when the alcohol industry wanted nothing to do with marijuana. It didn’t want to be associated with illegal drug use. Apparently times have changed. Pass me a cabernet sauvignon, dude.

Last week, the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America, put out a statement supporting states’ efforts to decriminalize and legalize the recreational use of pot. This is not a small thing, because the group represents 80% of all wine and liquor wholesale distributors. If you drank something other than beer over the weekend, it probably came from these guys.

All this is great news for those stoner girls you knew in college who wanted a marriage of weed and wine in a single glass.

Talk to your pets about drugs before someone else does

A lot of people may think that Obamacare is bad, but treatment for animals may end up being far, far worse if veterinarian Doug Kramer gets his way.

He says that dogs should be allowed to have doses of marijuana, like they need to be high to chase their tails. Kramer said that he gave his dog weed when it was suffering from a terminal form of cancer, and in no time, she had a spring in her step and continued to enjoy her life, even if she did eat all of the Cheetos in the house.

What’s worse, he says cats and other animals could also see the benefits of marijuana. No thanks, Dr. Kramer. If our pets want to have drug habits, they can get a job and pay for it themselves.

It’s not a celebration until you level your house

Ever wonder what people do when they win the lottery? Turns out they do exactly what you think they will — plus blow up their house.

In Kansas, two brothers won $75,000 from the lottery and decided to celebrate by buying some crystal meth and marijuana. Apparently, during their party session, one of the brothers went to refill a butane lighter for their bongs and ended up leaking a significant amount of it into the air. All that gas found its way to the furnace pilot light, and suddenly, the lucky brothers didn’t have that pesky house to worry about anymore.

The one brother was taken to the hospital, wearing his lottery T-shirt, and treated for burns, while the other was uninjured and simply surrendered to authorities.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Uruguay takes first step to becoming California of South America

Uruguay, the South American country that you just don’t hear about it or even think about all that often (Guyana being the other), has decided to make news once again. It makes sense as it’s been a decade since anyone’s thought of them. The country will do more than just legalize marijuana: it’ll (maybe) be selling the drug through government dealers.

Mind you, a lot of this concept, proposed by Uruguay’s President José Mujica (who looks like a Hispanic cross between Wilford Brimley and Giancarlo Giannini playing René Mathis), is being done under the pretext of fighting off the already-present drug dealers in the country.

The next step for the country: replacing Mujica with an aging bodybuilder/actor.

Racking up those early, formative years

A 19-year-old mother in Phoenix accidentally left her five-week-old son on the roof of her car and drove off. The baby was fortunately in his child safety seat and suffered no injuries. According to the report, she admitted to smoking marijuana, which may have contributed to her forgetfulness. Her coffee, however, was securely placed in a cupholder and is fine despite being from Starbucks.

On a positive note, neither the pot nor the roof-top baby incident should bar her entry into the 2028 presidential campaign.

Hollandazed and confused no longer

Hey, pot smokers. While we appreciate your readership over the years (assuming you arrived here by mistakenly typing “Seriously guys, can I overdose on weed?” in your Google search), it appears that the Dutch have had enough of your s@%t.

A judge has upheld a proposed government ban on selling marijuana to non-Dutch citizens in their world-famous coffee bars. The government is hoping to clean up their reputation for catering to “drug tourists,” believing that this could bring back the kind of nice, clean-cut tourists that visit for Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

On the plus side, this should reduce the decibels of stoned conversation in the Van Gogh museum.

Perhaps this case goes all the way to the high court?

Frank Shoemaker, a Nebraskan attorney, really wants his state to legalize marijuana. Frank’s sponsored a petition drive to make legalization a state ballot issue. But, when he tried to take his message to the streets with a vanity license plate, the DMV refused, and now he’s fighting The Man (who is a woman named Beverly Neth) in court.

All Frank wanted was a license plate that said, “NE 420,” but Neth wouldn’t give it to him. She believes the plate could mean anything, from “Adolf Hitler, who was born on April 20, 1889” to “the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado, which took place on April 20, 1999.” Or, as Neth initially said, it could be about promoting marijuana use, an illegal drug in the state … unless:

  • Unless Frank Shoemaker gets his license plate …
  • And enough petition signatures …
  • And enough votes to pass his ballot measure.

What the DMV’s saying is: it’s a slippery slope.

Reefer (Funereal) Madness!

Three elderly people will have some dope yarns to spin once they are released from intensive care after being served pot brownies at a funeral. The tray was unmarked and left in grandma-reach in honor of the recently deceased’s affection for marijuana-infused baked goods.

The two 71-year-old women and 82-year-old man were sent to the emergency room, complaining of nausea, dizziness, an inability to stand without assistance and their grandkids’ freakishly small hands.

A Huntington Beach police representative began his press conference by stating that the matter is not funny, reminding reporters that three people went to the hospital, but lost his s%#t when Officer Steve — the funny one — did his “Scared Tripping Granny” impersonation in the entrance on his way to the snack machine.

“Damn it, Steve!” he said between laughing jags. “This is why the feds are moving back in this week.”

Buy a potzer a pizza, or listen to this crap all weekend

If you’ve ever wondered where the dubious claims of your local pothead come from, here you go: “Marijuana Slims? Why Pot Smokers Are Less Obese.”

In Time‘s and author Maia Szalavitz’s defense, they’re not saying that pot makes you skinny. In fact, Szalavitz goes to great lengths to explain why (a) that is definitely not the case and (b) the fact the respondents are slimmer than their non-toking fellow surveyees makes almost no sense.

Still, expect to hear these claims all the same. And probably from a stoner chick with a pot belly (all of them).