Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

Oh, hello there, readers. I didn’t see you waiting there in the Internet. I have a few minutes between smoke breaks, so I’ll just answer a few of your medical questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Did you know that yesterday [April 19] was Clitoris Awareness Day? Did you do anything special?

Yes, I pretended that it doesn’t exist. Or is that the g-spot? I can never care. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

It’s a golden age for the Australian food industry

In Australia, you can now build a whole meal around cannabis. It’s being reported that ice cream, cake and beer made with pot have been given the green light in spite of fears that the “marijuana munchies” could trigger their own red light. Isn’t that just a fantastic name: “the marijuana munchies.” Nothing says panic like terms out of the roaring twenties.

The decision results from an appeal by Andrew Katelaris, a former doctor who was de-registered for supplying medical marijuana to patients, who said,

“Our vision is that anything you can do with soy beans or dairy you can do better with hemp seed.”

In fact, Food Standards Australia New Zealand found that industrial hemp contained such low levels of the psychedelic ingredient known as THC that no one eating food containing it would feel the effect. FSZNZ even went as far as to say that “hemp seed is nutritious food containing sizeable amounts of protein, polyunsaturated fats and dietary fiber.”

The best news about this? Maybe hemp advocates will stop making those ugly macrame bags and turn their attention to food. But honestly, I won’t lose any sleep if they go with just the former.

My favorite worst nightmare

I’m a capitalist, through and through. That’s the one creed that I subscribe to. I believe in the free market society. I believe in the trading of goods and services via currency. I believe that the market will decide on what is best.

I don’t believe in hippies. They are filthy gypsies that run around without a care in the world, not realizing the effect that has on our society. They crowd up already busy streets and drain our nation’s resources (there’s only so much peanut butter in the world, people!). Worst of all, they parade around and drown themselves in patchouli oil.
…..
DAMN YOU PATCHOULI OIL!

Most of all, I don’t want to have to trade you 5 carrots for riding on my bike for 30 minutes. That doesn’t work. And I don’t care for a marijuana farmer’s market. I don’t want to have to trade 2 lambs for a pound of kif. No, if I want that, I’ll do what every other hard-working American citizen does: move to California, fake an injury and get a prescription from a doctor.

Sharing is caring

Hey, parents: when your child brings something in for show and tell, make sure you know what they’re bringing beforehand. You know, just in case. This is especially important if they decide to bring something that is yours rather than theirs. After all, this isn’t the seventies anymore, and not everything needs to be passed around the room.

Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.

It’s fake reefer madness

The only thing worse than drugs are fake drugs. No, really-that’s what science tells us today!

It’s perfectly legal to buy fauxijuana “incense” blends (heck, you can do so over the internet), but according to Anthony Scalzo of Saint Louis University, smoking so-called “K2” blends can result in hallucinations and other unexpected, not-so-mellow reactions in its users:

K2 may be a mixture of herbal and spice plant products, but it is sprayed with a potent psychotropic drug and likely contaminated with an unknown toxic substance that is causing many adverse effects. These toxic chemicals are neither natural nor safe.

Now, some quick things:

1.) If you’re buying fake jazz cigarettes over the internet, you probably shouldn’t.
2.) If you’re smoking fake jazz cigarettes you bought over the internet, you definitely shouldn’t.
3.) If a cooler, rebellious kid offers you a K2 doobie, just say no – he’s neither cool nor rebellious. If he was halfway decent, he would have hooked up with a crazy hippy already by now.

In sum, if you have to resort to getting high from legal (albeit extremely psychotropic) herbs you bought from Amazon.com, you might as well be eating a bowlful of oregano.

New goal: become a ranger

Cannibis: The Scourge of JellystoneNobody believed Ranger Smith that not only were there picnic basket-stealing bears, but they wore height-appropriate ties and talked, too.

Stressed, they called him. Little did they know that Mr. Ranger Sir was lord and protector of acres of marijuana.

That’s right: national parks are now increasingly home to lower cartel marijuana growers. So, if you want to sit in the woods and not pay for pot, then hippie, have we got the job for you.

Is there a lack of miners or something?

Canada has vast natural resources. So much of the untouched wilderness is ripe with minerals, all they need to be is mined. But sadly, the country’s only marijuana mine is in danger of being closed, a potential victim of the recession.

For nearly ten years, a mine in Manitoba, buried under the tundra, has been serving as the country’s only legal marijuana farm. Why? That is not exactly clear, but it’s for medicinal use, of course. The problem is that the farm just isn’t producing enough weed to stay in business. Demand is simply too high–heh.

In other news, a secret, government-run, subterranean marijuana mine sounds like it is just begging to be used in a movie. Someone call Michael Bay.

Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know

Seriously, isn't this just Megan Fox and not a character?There’s an old favorite insult of mine, that “what you don’t know could fill a book.” It’s used when someone confesses to ignorance in response to what someone else said.

What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)

Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know