Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
Let me repeat that: there will not be a “dislike” button to click when somebody pisses you off. You’ll still have to use two mouse clicks to either ignore or unfriend them.
That said, Facebook is, however, developing a too-be-named empathy button based on at least thousands — if not millions — of requests for one because it feels kind of sh*tty to “like” when somebody’s grandma died. But what those potentially millions of users don’t realize is that it’s also kind of sh*tty to use a single mouse click and think they’re empathizing with someone’s pain.
The fact that thousands — if not millions — of users will finally achieve their dream of expressing empathy with the same calories burned to not type “LOL” at someone’s joke isn’t Facebook’s fault; it’s ours. (Although I will entertain arguments that it’s our fault because of years of using Facebook.) Continue reading →
Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.
The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.
If you’re tired of deleting Facebook notices about the latest “Crotchpunch War” from your inbox, then get ready for more spam … from the administrators.
In response to whiny users worried about not owning their Sex in the City quiz results, Facebook has caved, posting all service agreement changes on their site. This will most likely be at the top of your news feed every time Mark Zuckerberg’s lawyer finds more ways to bleed an aging Web site dry.
If the proposed change receives 7,000 comments (“protest” groups don’t count), then the measure will be put to a vote. 30 percent of all users (or about 53 million people) must vote to affect the change. The AP story does not mention what happens in the event of a tie, but we’d like to think it involves counting friends.
So, if that’s the way it’s gonna be now — since Facebook admins are too scared to run their own site — The Guys have a few new service agreement terms we’d like to see:
Please allow breastfeeding pictures. Motherhood is so hot.
Allow us to carry our concealed weapons while using Facebook. The Internet’s a scary place, is all.
If a werewolf user bites a vampire user, we want that user to die. The real vampire vs. werewolf war should be depicted seriously, for it is a serious subject. If bitten, no more profile; they’re dead to Facebook. They can go to MySpace for all we care. And no, they can’t come back as a zombie. Them’s the occult rules.