Man getting away from wife robs bank, is sentenced to house arrest

After decades of marriage, some people start to resent their spouse, or at least that’s the cliche. Rather than just splitting up, some people go to extreme measures to get away. Sometimes those backfire.

Last fall, a 70-year-old man robbed a bank, only he didn’t leave the bank once he got the money. Instead, he sat in a chair and waited for the police to arrive. He told the cops he wanted to go to jail so he could get away from his wife. This is true.

We’re bringing this up the better part of a year later because this man was given his sentence for the bank robbery this week. The judge sentenced him to six months house arrest for his crime.

This could be cruel and unusual punishment.

Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Demonic possession is grounds for divorce in Italy

Zuuly, you nut!

Here in America, they hand out divorces like free samples companies used to give out before they had budget cuts. But it’s not nearly that easy to end your marriage in Italy. In some cases, it takes an act of Satan.

An Italian court has granted a man a divorce from his wife because she is possessed by the devil. He claimed that since 2007, the woman has been displaying unusual behavior, which include an incident where she threw a church pew wind a single hand, and eyewitness account of her levitating. A priest, a monk and even her own sister attested to the woman’s strange behavior, and if people like that will testify against you, you’ve got to be a huge bitch.

Reportedly, exorcisms haven’t worked, and doctors can’t find a medical explanation for the woman’s behavior.

This guy has been living that “There is no Dana, only Zuul” scene from Ghostbusters for 10 years — without 300 ccs of thorazine. He should be up for sainthood.

A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.

Science: Drink your way to a happy marriage

If you’re like The Guys, you’ve got two loves in your life: your significant other and your drink — and usually not in that order. Science now has an indicator of whether you two can go the distance. What is it? You both need to drink as you get older.

According to an analysis of American couples over 50, dissatisfaction with spouses was more common if both parties didn’t drink the same amount. It appears to be especially true in women. Researchers found that couples that drink together (or don’t drink at all, but that’s not a real choice) were more likely to express satisfaction with their spouse. It backs up the findings of an earlier study. Scientists don’t know why, but it seems obvious that you care less about your significant other’s annoying traits when you’re getting crocked.

So, drink together for the kids.

Your spouse keeps you sober, science says

Do you drink a lot? Are you worried that your drinking habits are slowly turning into alcoholism? Get married — it will fix everything.

According to a new study, being married can significantly reduce your risk of becoming an alcoholic, like, 53% lower if you’re a dude, and 73% if you’re a woman. Despite what every hack comedian says, your spouse doesn’t drive you to drink, they actually make you want to drink less. But you should still enjoy World Whisky Day tomorrow.

Except if your spouse is cheating. The study found you’re really likely to turn to booze if that’s your situation.

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

Science: If you want a happy marriage, don’t have more sex

If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.

According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.

So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

NYC woman allegedly addicted to marriage, divorce not so much

Some people take the adage “if you don’t succeed at first, try, try again” way too seriously.

Liana Barrientos is alleged to have married 10 men in 10 years. What she’s not alleged to have done is divorce 9 men in 10 years. Or even 7 men in 10 years. Therein lies the problem. Police theorize that she’s taking part in legalization status marriages. SeriouslyGuys theorize that she has an extreme phobia toward obtaining divorce paperwork.

As the only single member of SG, I can’t begin to understand her logic.

The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of college, and even then, MySpace was the clear favorite of the cool kids, and would be for another two years or so. Before that, you didn’t declare your relationship status publicly. You might brag about your new fling to your friends, or bring someone home to meet your parents if things got really serious, but that was about it.

But before long, Facebook and his relation-ship labeling technology beat out MySpace and its profile song autoplay functionality. If you met someone and eventually had the “define the relationship” talk, you could then announce the results to all your friends with a couple clicks. Of course, this also meant you had to publicly acknowledge when the relationship spiraled out of control and eventually met its demise.

Then things got complicated. People started getting married. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook