Newt pledges third time’s the charm

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich signed the Family Leader’s pledge to personally uphold the institution of marriage by remaining faithful to his current spouse, something that wedding vows to God and the state have failed to cover in Newt’s past for some reason. But, the former Speaker of the House who once spent months impeaching a President for similar behavior says that — this time — he means it to an Iowa social conservative group in the run-up to their primary.

Newt acknowledged his prior whoopsididdles, reminding everyone that he is now a 68-year-old grandfather. “C’mon, it’s not like I’m gonna do any better than this blonde blowbot,” he ended the written statement.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.

Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.

How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.

David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.

Here’s my interpretation of his data. Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re about to get dumped

This is the best headline that you will ever hear

Not yesterday. Not today. Not this week.


It’s bad enough being part of a shotgun wedding. It’s even worse when the person you’re to marry isn’t so much a person, but an animal. BUT.

But when you pass out before you can, so to speak, complete the wedding duties, and in front of a ton of onlookers? Well, we can understand the end results of the ceremony.

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

I’m taking you to lover’s court

You know how all those women are coming out saying they slept with Tiger Woods? (We’re cutting back on covering this story, we swear.) That might not be a great idea for the 10+ ladies. It seems that if you are the other man or woman responsible in breaking up a marriage, you can be sued.

This is our country.

It’s called alienation of affection, and you really don’t want to get slapped with it–at least if you live in one of the seven states that recognize it. If you happen to be the one to lose out in the love triangle, you can get over $1 million to help console you and get you through the lonely nights.

If you love marriage so much …

Is it just us or does it seem odd that a group of unmarried freeloaders are considering themselves experts on marriage? It’s kind of like learning the ins and outs of scuba diving from people who are afraid to swim.

That hasn’t stopped the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops from issuing a series of letters to explain their positions, again, on marriage, reproductive rights and cyborgs patients on life support.

We haven’t read these earth-shattering documents, but we’ll sum them up for you anyway:

“You got married, now have babies and don’t you stop until the corpse of your spouse is cold.”

(If the other week was bad for Scientology, how weird is it that the Catholics were next for this week?)

What’s the world coming to?

B-b-but there's a cross on his bathrobe. War on Christmas!You know, we can only guess where we’re headed in this handbasket when an old Southern man is accused of racism simply because he:

1) Refuses to marry interracial couples.

2) Does so because he worries about mixed-race children.

3) According to the phone call, seems mostly concerned about black-and-white interracial marriages.

4) Believes that, if “you really and truly feel down in your heart,” this isn’t wrong.

Is that all? That’s all the evidence you have?

What? This Justice of the Peace actively violated the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court decision that “the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State?”

That’s it?

Gosh, folks. What’s next? Will other people be accused of racism simply because they think a quarterback is overrated because he’s black, implying that there has never been a good black quarterback in the history of the NFL?

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

Keeping your finger-the latest version of a dowery

It’s no secret that Japan’s graying population and shrinking birthrate are major concerns, and everyone is being asked to pitch in and help out in their own way. From attractive public service billboards to special cash bonuses, businesses and government are all working to encourage the young people left in the country to get busy and make more young people.

What’s really weird is that there’s now an industry. Opportunities are to be found everywhere to be labeled as “marriage brokers”, or people who matchmake without the help of a weird website and weirder commercials. Obviously, if there’s a new industry, then there’s opportunity for crime. Fifteen men with ties to the yakuza have been arrested for running a series of marriage brokering scams and making off with as much as 1 billion yen from 200 victims. It’s hard out there for a yakuza.

Posing as “celebrity marriage brokers”, the gangsters would entice victims into signing up for their service with a “membership fee” of about 100,000 yen, and then setting up dates with accomplice “sakura” girls. Each date would cost a fee to set up along with various “deposits” and convenience charges. The client would then be strung along for more and more dates as his bride-to-be feigned growing affection. When the time was right, the gangsters and their girls would just disappear. One victim was taken for nearly 80 million yen. Their scams also went small-scale, targeting rural, lower-income marks for about 100,000 yen apiece. Victims in those cases were more likely to just write off the losses rather than shame themselves trying to get their money back.

Do the yen to dollar translation yourself. And no, we won’t make a joke about a shotgun wedding.