As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.
So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.
In the heat of an argumenta domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.
Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.
If you’re like The Guys, you’ve got two loves in your life: your significant other and your drink — and usually not in that order. Science now has an indicator of whether you two can go the distance. What is it? You both need to drink as you get older.
When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.
Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.
The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.
If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.
According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.
So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?
Some people take the adage “if you don’t succeed at first, try, try again” way too seriously.
Liana Barrientos is alleged to have married 10 men in 10 years. What she’s not alleged to have done is divorce 9 men in 10 years. Or even 7 men in 10 years. Therein lies the problem. Police theorize that she’s taking part in legalization status marriages. SeriouslyGuys theorize that she has an extreme phobia toward obtaining divorce paperwork.
As the only single member of SG, I can’t begin to understand her logic.
For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of college, and even then, MySpace was the clear favorite of the cool kids, and would be for another two years or so. Before that, you didn’t declare your relationship status publicly. You might brag about your new fling to your friends, or bring someone home to meet your parents if things got really serious, but that was about it.
But before long, Facebook and his relation-ship labeling technology beat out MySpace and its profile song autoplay functionality. If you met someone and eventually had the “define the relationship” talk, you could then announce the results to all your friends with a couple clicks. Of course, this also meant you had to publicly acknowledge when the relationship spiraled out of control and eventually met its demise.
Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.
In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.
In less than a week I’m getting married. As I mentioned last Friday, that means this is the last missive you’ll be getting from me for a bit, as I will be drinking my ass off helping my fiancee put the finishing touches on our wedding, then spending a week drinking my ass off drinking my ass off on a tropical island.
I’m exhausted, I’m excited, but mostly I just want this all to be over with. Everyone knows that wedding planning is a lot of work and a fair amount of craziness, but I don’t think people really understand to what degree the insanity will reach.
You’re in luck, unmarried reader. I’m here to share with you the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Continue reading →
The Almighty is a complicated figure. He has more names than Sean Combs, yet hasn’t given an interview since the Exodus. And none of this has damaged his brand: three world religions still claim him as their God, and he remains the number one person most discerning homeless people argue with.
How do we try to understand the intentionally un-understandable in our modern age? The same way previous humans did with the Bible and fan fiction like Paradise Lost: by examining our own contemporaneous beliefs about him and then translating those into “things we know.”
So, based on a quick scan of the headlines today, here’s what we know about the notorious G-O-D. Continue reading →