Tag: marriage

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

That oughta show ’em

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this.

Love can make you do some crazy things, it can make you lose track of logic, and in some cases, it can also make you a little impulsive.

A 25-year-old man in Egypt tried for two years to convince his parents to let him marry a girl from a lower-class family. For him, love did not conquer his parents, so he did something that may seem a little rash. To get back at his parents, he heated up a knife and cut off his own penis. Have fun trying to concentrate this morning after hearing that one.

Stay together for the planet

Are you in a bad marriage? Was that night in Vegas a little too crazy for you? Does it look like it’s just not going to work out in the end? Are you tired of your spouse’s abusive ways? Do you want to get a divorce? Don’t be so selfish, you need to stay together for the sake of the Earth.

One lawmaker in Australia claims that married couples are less wasteful than ones that are not. If you get a divorce, you’re even more likely to live a wasteful lifestyle, according to Senator Steve Fielding. That whole single thing means you need more water, more electricity and you know, your own place to live.

What’s left out is the wasteful side effect of happy couples: children. They eat more food, they poop in non-biodegradable diapers, and they represent another future car on the road.

Take it from Snee: This is how married life is

Hey, readers. How’s it going? Been working on the novel you talked about? (Rhetorical questions.)

Oh, what’s that? “How’s married life?” you ask?

What a great question that I haven’t been asked since the receiving line five minutes after slipping the priest a fiver. Until now, I’ve been fumbling through it, answering as objectively as I can with less than three months of experience.

However, it’s been three months, so I can honestly explain what married is like now. The past 90 days have turned me into a marriage expert — a marriage Nazi, even — in that anyone else’s advice about marriage is sad, ridiculous and should probably be exterminated in a camp somewhere. (The advice, not the person.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: This is how married life is

Whoever will they marry yet?

Oh those crazy Japanese–if it weren’t for you, where would SG be?

In news that’s sure to make fans of Ah-ha think it’s life imitating art, a Japanese man has created a petitioning campaign to make it legal for human beings to marry fictional characters.

Seriously.

Stating that he is “no longer interested in three dimensions” and that he “would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he is a sign that the world has completely gone bonkers. This could create an entire quandary of concerns:

  • If he marries a known character, such as Optimus Prime or Speed Racer, do the rights of ownership stay with the original owners or become his?
  • Since same-sex relationships are not recognized in Japan, what happens if Japan acknowledges the petition, but only allows same-sex marriages to take place?
  • What would be proof of marriage? Fan-fiction? Bad fan-fiction (redundant, I know)?
  • If the creator of the character is still alive, does he get say-so as the “parent”?
  • Is Manga polygamy allowed?
  • Have the Japanese just given up on informal socializing and procreation at this point?

Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

Alright, so I threw away my broken toys last week and got married. I have now played with man things, like post-season baseball, college football and even dabbled in tuning out my wife. Yes, like a butterfly emerging forth from my basement cocoon, I have unfurled my wings to let the light beer of my college years drip off and become … a married comedy writer.

But don’t worry, SeriouslyReaders. I’m not about to turn “Take it from Snee” into Tim Allen’s next sitcom. No, I have more to bring you this week than anecdotes about my wedding. (Take my wife, for instance … please!)

No, I’ve also turned into an international man. You see, for two whole days, I had the honor–nay, privilege–of holding a temporary Bermuda driver’s license. Bermuda, of course, is an overseas territory of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II; therefore, I was Her Sovereign’s humble subject for two glorious days in the oldest remaining British colony!

So, as a married man who’s now seen how the rest of the world lives, let me share a few insights with you ugly Americans. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

You Missed It: They spent how much on what? edition

The weekend is upon us. Rejoice, for a great and miraculous time of drinking and a life away from the office is upon most of America. Or maybe that’s just us. No, wait, that’s probably just us.

Oh, what’s that? We said last week that there wouldn’t be an edition of You Missed It this week? Well, we lied. About YMI not showing up this week. Rick Snee is indeed getting married tomorrow (as of this post) and Bryan McBournie will indeed be in attendance. As such, you’re stuck with me. This is your first and only warning. Nonethless, if you were busy cleaning out your retirement fund before Wall Street does it for you, odds are you missed it.

The world is on AIG’s tab

AIG, the insurance giant that was recently bailed out financially by a Congressional bill, came under fire when it was revealed that executives were sent on $440,000 retreat just days after receiving money from said bill. It was expected that along with basket-weaving, wallet-making and bug-juice drinking, they’d also learn how to make a s’more with ingredients that cost less than 45 dollar.

It’s just a case of he said, she he said

The hopes and desires of armchair politicians were sated as yet another debate between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain took place on Tuesday night. Adopting a townhall style format and moderated by Tom Brokaw, Obama was noted as looking “very statesmanlike”, while McCain drew comparisons to “your crazy Uncle Fred that’s looking for his meds”.

It’s a golden age for Unremovable Windows Inc.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average took numerous dives this week, ultimately landing at 679, the lowest level that it’s been to in 5 years (as of writing). The effect of this was so bad that even the Nikkei 225 Stock Average followed similar suit, dropping rapidly with an expected low opening. Noted French industry analyst was Doctor S. Urkelle was heard asking “Est-ce que j’ai fait cela?“

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

You cannot kiss the bride any time soon

It is still wedding season, and in upstate New York, a man was arrested on his wedding day because he got too close to his new wife.

The ceremony went just fine, but the groom allegedly got into an argument with one of the wedding guests during the reception (when most fights at weddings are known to occur) and the police were called. Police knew the groom had a protective order protective order against him filed by the bride (apparently this guy was not a stranger at the police barracks) and they arrested him. He was charged with first degree criminal contempt and held without bail.

There is no word yet as to when these star-crossed love birds will be able to consumate the marriage.

‘Do you take this woman?’ ‘Roger that’

Normally, we don’t cover much that has to do with love, aside from a series of features covering such a topic. We try to keep that mushy crap underneath, buried way, way down. None Only one of the guys is getting married. We are just too manly for such paltry things.

But wait, what if there was something that made it seem like an action movie? That’s what piqued our attention.

In England, where mostly crazy people live, a couple got married several hundred meters–err, we mean several thousand feet in the air. The bride and groom were each on top of biplanes flying side by side, while another biplane flying just ahead of them had a minister standing on top of it. The witnesses? Um, they were on the ground watching three biplanes fly around in formation.

For kicks, the entrance to the wedding reception wedding reception was a 50-foto high trapeze wire with an open bar at the other end.