Tag: marriage

An unholy marriage

People in the Mid-West are a little strange. There’s not much to do, and quite often it is colder that survivable for most human beings. But in North Dakota, it only makes them more colorful, if not traitorous.

Though North Dakota is known for an abomination or two, this one has a tinge we don’t much like. A moose named Ana, the namesake of the town of Anamoose, North Dakota, has married another moose. What makes it worse is that the ceremony was performed by humans!

The only thing keeping us from declaring a blog jihad (or “jiblog) against that whole state is the fact that the people involved seemed to be a bit sarcastic when they married the moose (mooses?). They have been declared “miserable mates.”

Yeah, see you in hell, Ana!

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

Take it from Snee: 2028 Predictions

OL, so most a few of my 2008 Predictions were proven wrong. (There’s no point in revisiting any of them or eating any crow.) I’ve learned my lesson about dabbling in the dark, forbidden arts and will never repeat my mistakes again.

So, now I’m going to make a prediction that I can smugly point to for 20 years before proven wrong. I hereby introduce my first in a series of 2028 news predictions. Continue reading Take it from Snee: 2028 Predictions

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd whammy!

Or double whammy according to this headline.

This is where the eastern countries have it wrong and we have it right. In this case a man now has to go tell his next girlfriend (or wife) that he has been divorced twice … simultaneously. We here encourage multiple girlfriends, so that way you don’t have two people going over half your estate at once, for those math wizards out there 2 x 50% = ?

How To: Get married

We’ve provided several How Tos on how to get into a relationship. This isn’t one of those.

No, this How To is about making the whole ordeal much, much easier. At some point, you’re going to consider taking the plunge, whether it’s a matter of financial security, citizenship, wanting to breed or the government finally said it’s OK. (Keep your chins up, robo sapiens!)

That is why The Guys sat down and drafted this handy guide that explains how to get married.

Continue reading How To: Get married

The McBournie Minute: Wedding receptions

We are gathered here this morning to discuss something very important in everyone’s lives, more importantly, other people’s lives. That subject is the beauty of a wedding and the free alcohol that comes with it.

This past Saturday I spent in Boston for a friends’ wedding. For those of you who have never been to Boston in February, I highly recommend it. It’s beautiful this time of year. It was an oppressively warm 26 degrees on Saturday, with not a cloud in the sky. Most of the snow had melted, leaving only salt and mud behind. This is why Boston’s tourism flourishes during February.

I am convinced that everyone who attends a wedding has one thing on their minds: “I hope this thing has a nice spread.” In this regard, some weddings are better than others. This is what can make or break a wedding for most people. On Saturday, I was not disappointed. There were roughly five courses, or plates, I can never remember the difference, and each one was better than the one before it.

But the best part was the open bar. There, I was free to imbibe as many Jack and Cokes as my liver desired (there was also some drink ordering for the date, as well). There is something mystical about an open bar and being all dressed up for an event. It makes you want to drink, but look fancy doing it. What may have been the smartest move overall at this wedding was there was no dancing, nor was there karaoke. I say this not because I was in danger of dancing or singing (though I was tempted on the Frank Sinatra songs), but because seeing other people do it can ruin an experience.

The year is still young, and by my count, I still have four more weddings on my schedule. May the brides and grooms have eternal happiness, and may the food at their receptions be excellent.

How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Continue reading How To: Control that man o’ yours