You don’t see this type of thing happening to Catman

The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Leviathan. Doctor Simon Hurt. All of these villains are seriously contenders for the greatest adversary to Batman, and yet, none a one of them can claim it. Oh sure, they’ve all done some incredibly crippling (some literally more than others) acts of terror to the Caped Crusader, but when it comes down to it, they’re not the worst enemy of dark vengeance.

No, that would be Captain Paul Starks of the Montgomery County (Maryland) police department.

Your flash mob sucks

A flash mob is a group event that participants coordinate with cell phones and social media or, to anyone who’s ever arranged to meet anyone anywhere in the last five years, not carrier pigeons. They’ve been characteristically annoying, inconvenient and embarrassing, occurring in crowded malls, public squares and on YouTube.

Leave it to unruly kids and their unmonitored Facebooks to weaponize what was once a plot device on Modern Family.

They’ve got death threats on the Xbox Live now?

A boy from Maryland has been arrested after stealing access to a stranger’s Xbox Live account and using it to issue Columbine-style death threats, which is awesome if you want to get arrested quickly and surely.

Union County Prosecutor, Theodore J. Romankow revealed that the boy obtained access to the account via some shady deal on a “third party website.” Apparently the transaction involved a copy of “the Madden NFL”, although no further details have been made known. This would have made a TON more sense if it involved “the Madden PGA.”

The teenager then took the account, belonging to a Berkeley Heights HS student, and proceeded to send death threats to everybody on his friends list, which included other high school members. He declared he would bring a gun to school and start shooting people. After parents were alerted to the threats, they contacted the police. The owner of the Gamertag denied sending the messages, and after cops traced the account history, they discovered the actual perpetrator in Maryland. After cops finally tracked him down, it became clear there was no real threat.

Except for him getting plugged in prison (and we know what I mean). He could nonetheless face serious charges since stealing accounts and using them to issue death threats is still, y’know, a crime.

Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Note: I know this looks like yours truly, Bryan McBournie, wrote this, but in fact it was written by Bryan Schools, who is currently chained up in Ben Roethlisberger’s love dungeon. Luckily Big Ben allowed Schools a cell phone to keep himself amused. Rather than calling for help, he wrote this via text message.

Ladies and gentlemen of the D.C. area, you had reason to doubt your Landover football team had reason for concern to begin the season, now you should be in full-blown panic mode! The Lions were bound to beat somebody at some time in their future, and that time came sooner rather later unfortunately for Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell.

The loss to Detroit is an early icing on the cake for a snowball that began in a Week 1 loss to the Giants, but gained an enormous amount of steam after an embarrasing win against the Rams. Notice, the Redskins are probably the only team in the league who can have the word “embarrasing” attached to a win. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

When I was a kid–wait, where are you going? Stop it. I promise this isn’t some sort of “I remember when” story, despite how the lead sentence sounds. Can we start over again?

When I was a kid, I knew on weekends I could always find my dad watching golf on television. He would eat his lunch, a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips mixed in, and sit for hours watching. I tried in earnest several times to watch it with my dad, but my interest always wained.

You see, golf on TV is really, really boring, and this is coming from someone who sits through entire baseball games.

Sure, you can follow along if you know where everyone is and who is leading in the tournament, but the coverage is forced to skip around from one hole to the next after a single shot. This is because nearly every hole has action going on (that’s what she said) and it takes so long for golfers to walk to their next shot. The result is something along the lines of picking up a book, reading page 1, then skipping to page 56, then going to 32, then to page 2 and so on. There’s not much of a story told unless you unscramble it yourself. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Quiet on the tee, please

Life can be stranger than fiction

For anyone in that case, there’s the computer game “Second Life”. However, stories involving “Second Life” always tend to be more surreal than normal. This one is no exception.

A woman wanted for the attempted kidnap of her ex-Second Life boyfriend has been caught after a search that spread across several states. 33-year-old Kimberly Jernigan had an online affair with a 52-year-old man via Second Life, and when he ended the relationship, she became quite distressed … as well as demented. It always works out that way, right?

The relationship ended after the pair had met in real life (likely meaning she didn’t resemble her Second Life avatar enough), and in the beginning of August, Kimberly allegedly drove to her ex-boyfriend’s Pennsylvania workplace and attempted to kidnap the man at gunpoint. Apparently she couldn’t even manage that successfully, and had to come back two weeks later and track him down to his Delaware home, posing as a postal worker to find his address. After cutting and removing a screened window to gain entry to the man’s house, she lay in wait for him with a set of handcuffs, a roll of duct tape, a taser, a BB gun and her dog Gogi.

Her foolproof scheme failed after the man simply ran away, having entered to find a laser beam pointed at his chest. Kimberley had fled soon after, but her dog was discovered bound in duct tape and abandoned in the bathroom to stop him making noise. She was found an hour later in Maryland and taken into custody after a “brief struggle” at a rest stop. For all we know, being bound in duct tape like a dog may be something possible in the Second Life world.

No more condoms!

According to today’s Headline of the Day, residents around the Chesapeake Bay have less to fear about crabs. The population is apparently dwindling, probably because everyone’s finally using those little combs and special shampoos.

In other news, Bryan McBournie has been spotted at more bars since this headline debuted. If you are a human being between the ages 18 and 75, be advised.

Books–the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems

Ellicott City, Maryland has spent 11 years battling “The Pack Shack” (lamest name for any kind of store ever or what?) adult store and all they’ve managed to do is pass a few clearly unconstitutional laws and give $187,000 in tax money to the store’s owners. But, at least now they can choose from a fine selection of used paperbacks to go with the sex toys and lingerie. You can’t fight city hall, but can city hall itself fight a determined sex shop?

SeriouslyGuys Exclusive: By the way, if more laws are thrown against the store, I hereby speculate that the next move it will make is to start selling antiques. You heard it here first, guys and gals.

Staying active in the twilight years

Getting in a car accident can be a bummer (just ask my roommate). Getting into a car accident on your 72nd birthday can be even worse. That’s what happened to Rodell Alton Cole of Maryland recently, but that wasn’t the worst of his day.

Cole got into a minor fender bender with another motorist, so the police had to get involved. They found the senior citizen was driving on a suspended license and asked him to empty out his car. During this process, Cole removed a rather heavy bag police found to allegedly contain 156.2 pounds of marijuana, a street value of $1.4 million.

Police said they think Cole was on a drug run from New York City, but failed to comment on whether or not he had driven the whole way down going 45 mph on the highway with his blinker on.