Someone bought Hitler’s underwear for some reason

Hitler’s underwear went on the auction block last week and you missed out on it–unless of course you’re the highest bidder.

An auction house in Maryland sold a pair of Adolf Hitler’s underwear, fetching $6,737. The monogrammed white boxers were said to have been left at an Austrian hotel after the Nazi leader stayed there in 1938. The hotel owner’s grandson sold the weird item.

Some readers may recall that Eva Braun’s panties were auctioned off just last year. Turns out both pairs of Nazi underwear were sold at the same auction house, Alexander Historical Auctions.

So if you’ve got some creepy OG Nazi stuff you want to unload (and alt right rallies show the market is hot right now), apparently Maryland is open for business.

The military and the dirigible, no good, very bad day

Grab it! It's getting very gradually away!
Grab it! It’s getting very gradually away!

Hey, uh, if you’ve seen a blimp dittybopping around, the military would very much like to know where it is. (It probably sounds like this.)

The blimp was part of a $2.7 billion research project being conducted at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. (Apparently, good rope would cost an extra billion or so.) It somehow broke loose and, at the time of this reporting, is floating somewhere over Pennsylvania according to NORAD.

Of course, NORAD also tracks Santa Claus, so maybe the blimp only exists in our hearts, you guys.

Indecent exposure not just for male lawmakers anymore

Today is a proud day for gender equality. Typically, when a lawmaker gets arrested for something stupid, that lawmaker is a man. But this time, a woman gets the spotlight.

According to a police report, Maryland Del. Ariana Kelly dropped off her children at her ex-husband’s house. Apparently there are still some hard feelings, because when she found out that her ex’s fiancee was home, she rang the doorbell repeatedly and yelled. Her ex-husband later showed police a cellphone video of her at the front door whipping out her boobs and shaking them up and down with her hands. She was charged with trespassing and indecent exposure.

It’s good to know that our leaders are just as irrational as the people who elect them.

Middle schoolers are officially the scissors of the age triumverate

Teenagers beat adults.
Adults beat middle schoolers.
Middle schoolers beat teenagers.

It’s been a system in place for eons. Not only has it been true, but it’s worked. Why change something that’s successful?

Because people get greedy. And greedy people get hungry. Gabriel Taylor Smith is alleged to have been one of those greedy, hungry people. The teenager is purported to have taken a box of Girl Scout cookies from a pair of girls selling them. And he even might have been successful … had the girls not been middle schoolers. One of them took off after the lad, reclaiming the wagon full of cookies while also notifying others about the crime. Said others then followed him in his getaway vehicle. He was caught at a gas station and charged with misdemeanor theft.

Remember people: it’s not worth becoming the subject of a manhunt over overpriced snacks.

For Halloween, kids get candy, adults get cash

Smarties, anything from Palmer’s and pennies. What do they have in common?

All are swiftly thrown asunder for the better items that make their way to people on Halloween.

Sure, kids might get chocolate coins, but this past Friday, in Maryland, adults on I-270 got real coins … and greenbacks. A bag of cash (which we can only assume had a cartoonish dollar sign on it) fell out of the back of an armored truck, sending money flying all over the road.

Pro: They were able to recover some of the money back!

Con: The amount recovered was just $200. Win some, lose some.

When soliciting sex, try not to call a police officer

Cold calls are dreadful. People hate getting them, and the people making the calls don’t like it that much either, but it drums up business. So it works for the most part, provided that you’re not doing anything illegal, and you don’t say, call a cop.

A Maryland woman learned that lesson this week. Police say a member of Frederick Police Department’s Drug Enforcement Unit received a call from the 44-year-old woman offering money for sex. She didn’t dial a random number, she had the officer’s number from an unrelated incident, and apparently forgot to write down “Cop” next to it.

And of course, when the woman arrived at the agreed upon place, the authorities were waiting. This is exactly what the Do Not Call List is for, people.

Secession watch: Hilljack Maryland

The drums of secession are beating once again. This time it’s Maryland. Well, part of Maryland, anyway.

A group of people in the western counties in Maryland want to break off and form their own state. The conservatives there are tired of living under the Democratic-controlled state government. For those who don’t know, western Maryland is squeezed between West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Virginia. It’s also known as the only place in the state worse to live than the city of Baltimore.

The leader of the Western Maryland Initiative, Scott Strzelczyk, envisions a free, mountainous utopia that emphasizes “personal liberty, less government intrusion, less federal entanglements.” Grammar, it seems, would not be emphasized.

According to Strzelczyk, “If we have more states, we can all go live in states that best represent us, and then we can get along.” Yes, if you don’t agree with the people your neighbors, break off all contact and form your own group. That’s how problems are solved–and cults are formed.

And you thought your weekend was crazy?

"Now listen here, see? You're gonna give me all your money, and no funny stuff, see?"
“I’m gonna punch in my PIN one more time, see? And you’re gonna give me all your money, and no funny stuff, see?”

Police and Hyattsville, Maryland are looking for two men who they say attempted to steal an ATMthe entire machine — early Monday morning. All authorities know about them is their gender, that they were driving a white pickup truck and that they really, really needed a bunch of $20 bills.

If caught and sentenced, they can expect a $3 service fee added to their fine.

The right to keep and bear pastries

In the school's defense, there's more research on how many people Pop-Tarts (gun-shaped and otherwise) have killed than guns.
In the school’s defense, there’s more research on how many people who Pop-Tarts (gun-shaped and otherwise) have killed than guns.

If you thought things couldn’t get stupider in The Case of the Boy with the Pop-Tart Gun, don’t worry. The NRA and a Republican state delegate have it covered.

8-year-old Josh Welsh was suspended from Park Elementary School in Anne Arundel County, Maryland, after taking bites out of his Pop-Tart until it resembled the shape of a gun. The shape violated the school’s zero tolerance policy against guns and judgement, so Josh had to go.

Josh’s lawyer has appealed the suspension in court, presenting pictures of the states of Idaho and Florida that the school uses that, in his estimation, look more like guns than Josh’s breakfast pastry remains. (Fun fact: eleven of twelve jurors also believe that each state looks more like a penis than Josh’s Pop-Tart.)

And now, Maryland Delegate Nicholaus Kipke has ponied up $550 to buy Josh a lifetime Junior Membership in the NRA. Kipke believes that the membership will be good for Josh since, as neither he nor his parents own a gun, it’s up to Wayne LaPierre to teach him how to safely and properly handle his breakfast.

Fortunately, we can focus on this case rather than do anything meaningful about actual gun violence.

The McBournie Minute: A feast emerges

We’re just days away from a terrible invasion. Underground cells will rise up and begin their terror on us. It’s going to be a gruesome summer, and there’s nothing the government can do about it. For 17 years, cicadas have been hidden underground, hibernating, growing and waiting for their chance to take over the East Coast.

They’re preparing to rise up once again this summer. Once the ground temperature reaches the right level, these fat insects are going to crawl out of their holes and start annoying the hell out of everyone with their loud chirps. It’s going to be an unpleasant summer, unless you’re a windshield washer.

But did you know that you can eat cicadas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A feast emerges